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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Open your mouth! Jeez!
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me preface this rant with the fact that I am stressed beyond belief the last few months and because everything else in our lives is kind of in the toilet, the A is back front and center in my mind...even though nothing is going on.

I just am ready to throw in the towel on all of the hard R work because he still can't open his freaking mouth and talk to me! His FOO behaviors of "if we don't mention it, it doesn't exist" just don't stop.

Still, since 2006, no timeline and "IDK and IDRemember" answers. I can't take anymore. He honestly and vigorously defends these believing he has answered all my questions bc he said IDK or IDR.

He thinks not saying anything at all because he "doesn't want to fight" and I thought you needed space is legit.

IT SUCKS! I don't need space and I have been very verbal about what is needed. I need words. Over and over and over. I am so sick of living with an ostrich with head in the sand.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guarded,

I haven't been waiting for a timeline as long as you have, but I've been waiting 18 months. That is even too long.

I haven't verbally asked questions for a couple of months now because we never seem to have enough time, or it's not the right time and often he can't remember anyway.

I totally get your frustration. I made the timeline one of my requirements for R and I still don't have it although FWH thinks that we are nicely along in R.

So, what I did, was email him many questions in a time sequence, that if/when he answers them, will construct the needed timeline.

I also said that when he feels that my needs are important enough, he will sit down and think hard and answer them. He assured me that he does think that my needs are important and he actually devoted one evening to answering the first two questions.

He says it is a work in progress. We'll see when/if he continues.

One way I described my need was that I needed to sort out all the clutter in my brain. The information I have has come from me asking certain questions. I wonder what information exists that I haven't thought to ask for. That actually was one of my questions.

In writing them down, it helps to select those which are really important to you.

Try it and give him a deadline.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Really? No timeline? Oy.

I learned about conflict avoidance on this forum. I realized it was a key to our recovery and I insisted my FWH go back to counseling specifically for this reason. It made a world of difference. I would really push the issue at this point because I think it is a huge component in affairs and a major hurdle in recovery.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will never go back to counseling. We are still $thousands in debt for counseling bc that is what I insisted on to keep me from filing during false R for two plus years. Between a combo of bad counselors and his lying the whole time, it was a huge waste. He will never go back.

I really believenow,sadly, that it isn't lack if love or the affair that is going to end my marriage, but his inability to open his mouth appropriately. And more sadly, is it is obviously inherited from FOO. And what is worse, is he KNOWS it.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 4

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