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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feeling like a bad person
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a bad time right now in one aspect of my life. I have met a great guy we have been dating for well over a year adn things have been good.

But suddenly the thought of him moving in and making it permanent makes me almost break out in a rash. I realized I don't want anyone moving in, I like my freedom. I realize he is looking torward a life together where I am happy with how things are. It makes me feel bad as I don't want to string him along but I dont' really want to break up or anyting.

My son loves him adn thinks the world of him which makes this so much worse. I almost feel like I should have spent more time dating but then another part of me says that I probably wont' find someone who treats me as well as he does.

So much back and forth is making my head spin. I wish I know what I wanted. :(


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't make you a bad person!!!

Relationships are not easy on a good day. You are just trying to be true to yourself. It sounds like you are taking his feelings into consideration while trying to balance your own.

(((ninebark)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17339 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does he have to move in? Is he pressuring you to move in?

I think it's ok to want/need some space, even if you are part of an exclusive couple.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2589 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's possible to have a loving committed relationship without sharing space. Lots of folks do it.

You just have to be on the same page from the first date.

You need to talk to him about what he envisions for the future.

Don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't want.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17393 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes it bad to me is that he is such a good guy and he has not pressured me once. But he has made it clear that he is in it for the long haul.

He went back to school and is just finishing up year one of two, so discussions about him moving in are definately off the table for a year. But I am not sure if after that year I will be ready to share myself that closely with someone again. I am not even sure if it is fair to keep seeing him knowing that. Ugh. Relationships can be hard. Perhaps ina year I will feel different.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw your post in D/S; you're just now getting divorced after a 2-year S. No wonder you're having these thoughts. You're only now ending one large part of your life; of course you're not ready to start another.

Cut yourself some slack. You admit that this will not happen for at least another year. Stop putting the cart before the horse.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20177 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I know I'll never want that again.

You need to be clear with him that you might not change your mind.

If he's not OK with that now, then a year from now it could be more complicated...

I would have the talk....


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17393 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree... talk to your SO about your timeline. And please, please don't let him move in before you're 110% ready. I did that and long story short, it was two of the worst years of my life.

Follow your gut. Always.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with talking with him now. And I think it's important that you are able to recognize the realistic possiblities of the future before you get there. It's insightful and impressive, and says a lot about who you are (in a very GOOD way).

You are NOT a bad person, you are an honest person - BIG difference - and it can make all the difference down the line.((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4527 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone had me ask myself this question when I was going through something similar.

"Are you not ready to commit, or are you not ready to commit to this person."

I dug deep and realized I wasn't ready to commit to that person. We had too many differences and didn't see important things (at least important to me) the same way. Our intimacy was through the roof, but our life decisions/goals were not compatible. I felt myself falling back into the co-dependent role that I had in my marriage. I can't keep taking care of people.

Maybe you know that there is an incompatibility with this guy. Maybe not. At least something to ponder.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found myself in a similar situation and the relationship lasted 8 years.

If I asked myself Tabitha's question I would have ended the relationship 2 years earlier than he did with an exit affair. I couldn't commit to that person.

I need to commit to me first.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moving in together is a huge step, and it WILL change your relationship. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.

I moved in with my SO recently. I thought I was ready, but it turns out I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

If your gut is telling you not to then you need to listen.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 12

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