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User Topic: How can i stop being combative?
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO says i'm always so combative with him... I guess i am sometimes but i looked at it as defensive not combative...

How do i change this behavior?


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..it is a normal and natural reaction to being hurt.. we go into defensive mode.. self-protection.

..have you both talked about your need to 'self-protect' ?

..as Dr. Phil says, "howz that working for you?"

When your strategy/reaction becomes a constant negative in your relationship, it becomes self-evident that you need to try something different, something better..to try to change the outcome..

..why not try an 'experiment' and take a totally different approach to the problem..

..i've heard that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar..if you get my drift!

..it's worth a shot anyway, if you're willing to embrace a new approach.

..hope you can reach a place of peace and love thru positive actions..

You may even surprise yourself!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you this way with everyone or do you just feel the need to be so vehemently defensive with your SO?

Are you arguing about the same/similar things all the time or does it happen with any argument?

I'm saying you should try to determine if it's situational or if it's your personality.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your posts SMY & SAD..

Example- On saturday we were out and about and said " this class must be pretty easy since you are hanging out, u are usually on the computer at this time" i said in a curt tone ( im saying curt but he used the word combative) no the reason im hanging out is bc i dont have to write a paper.. I finished my portion of the assignment on Wed and turned it into the team lead...... So i dont have anything to do......i guess my tone made it seem like i was combative.... When he ask me about school or homework it feels like a father asking his daughter dif you do ur homework?? I dont need anyone checking up on me and my schooling comes first and i dont let anything interfere with it, BUT when he makes comments like "shouldnt u be online now? Or why arent you online" or why are you watching TV?? It drives me batty... Hes gotten a lot better about it bc i told him hes not my dad so please stop talking to me like im a irresponsible child... Remember hes 11 yrs older than me but he forget sometimes that i was in going to college when we met....

By the way Ive never missed an assignment or late on any assignment in the last 4 yrs so im not sure why he's so concerned...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@SAD nope im not like this with everyone unless i feel like i'm being attacked and i have to use my coping mechanism ( defensive)...

We talked yesterday and i tried to explain to him how it makes me feel when he asks questions like that... I also told him i'll work on it....

I believe it stems from me getting irritated and inpatient...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is he concerned, or taking an interest in your life?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
GabyBaby
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Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of it is in how you read into what he's saying (or not saying).

Using the Saturday thing as an example, you read it as him "checking on your homework status".
It could also be taken as, "Cool! We get to hang out today when normally you're on the computer".

I wonder too if his comment is a comment that he wants more of your time.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Ama not sure why he'd be concerned... Taking an interest maybe it though...

@Gaby i think you are right, it is how im reading into what he is saying....And yes he cant wait until i graduate so we can spend more time together, hell neither can i.. Aug 26th is my last class YAY!

In my mind we spend alot of time togeher bc we live together... We dont do a whole lot on the wkends hes not getting a haircut...i do the bulk of my homewk on the wkends so im usually online....depending on my assignment it could be 2-6 hours....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i told him hes not my dad so please stop talking to me like im a irresponsible child...

im not sure why he's so concerned...

@Ama not sure why he'd be concerned... Taking an interest maybe it though...

Why do you choose to label his comments as him being "concerned" or acting like "my dad"? Is there a tone he uses? Is it the types of questions he asks? What makes you think he is lecturing you when he inquires about your schoolwork?

I ask, because it seems like you two have a massive breakdown in communication somewhere. His tone (or something) seems to offend you, and you in turn respond in a way that offends him.

Getting to the bottom of why his asking these questions bothers you, and communicating that to him clearly, might help ease the issues all around.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Ama yes in the past it was his tone... But now i guess i get irritsted when he ask me about my school work....some times after im finished with my posting i'd go into the living room and say something like ' im finished with blah blah now i can relax' but if i dont say anything he'd ask " are you finished with your work already" other times he doesnt say anything...

I will calm down and not allow it to get to me so much....

Thanks for your posts.... For now i'll set it on the back burner...
'


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I do think calming down is probably smart (in general, all of us, in life ) I would encourage you to talk to your SO about this. Communication! It makes relationships function.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ama we talked yesterday and i told him i would work on not being combative and defensiveness...

We will see how it goes.... If he treated me the way i treat (at times) him my feelings would be very hurt...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1786 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I misunderstanding or aren't you already hurt by him? Hopefully you talked about his tone too and the efforts go both ways.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry; I'm in an area where internet is spotty.

Take this with a grain of salt because I don't know you personally, but between this post and the post about your step sister's FB, you do seem to have anger issues--and you do see yourself as being combative and using defensive language as a coping mechanism. I'm also reading that you capitulated to your SO rather quickly, promising to reform; if you didn't think you were wrong, this would worry me, as it might appear that you are reacting to him as an authority (read-father) figure.

Perhaps you should seek some help with this? My DS saw this in himself years ago (age 19-he's 28 now) and saw a therapist for a few years to work on his anger issues. The thing is I never saw him as an 'angry' person, but he felt he had issues and he addressed them.

Like I said, I'm just addressing what I can see in print.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 14

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