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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Out of funk, maybe for good
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back on the last 5 months or so, beginning with the runup to our 2nd antiversary, I've concluded I've been in a funk over 2 questions:

1) Am I a _____ (fill in the blanks with derogatory term of your choice) for choosing R?

2) Does she really love me?

My answers are as follows:

1) For some unknown reasons (some definitely healthy and some probably unhealthy), I chose my W, and I really meant 'for better or worse'. I accept her as she is, so I accept her betrayal of herself and me - my choice, and I'm comfortable with it. (Yeah, I had to endure the A, but I 'had to endure' a whole lot more, too, and that 'more' is pretty pleasurable.)

2) Yes, she loves me - but that's only one side of the coin. The other, perhaps more important, side is accepting and loving myself, and I'm getting back to that. Without loving myself, I don't think I'd notice that my W loves me.

3) I don't know where my boundaries are, and I'm a little bit concerned about that. I have laid out some significant limits (monogamy and honesty, for example), but my W is meeting or exceeding requirements, and I don't know how I'd behave if she were to stop. I hope I never find out, but I've decided to thrive no matter happens between W & me (and all indications are that we've gotten through the tough stuff).

I've been feeling OK about myself and my sitch and my W and our M since last Tuesday or Wednesday, which is the longest stretch since D-Day.

I may be out of my funk. I sure hope so. It's about time....

Is there a 'former BS' status? I think I may be an S who was B(etraye)d, but BS doesn't feel entirely accurate any more.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:15 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's great sisoon.

you're about a year and a half ahead of me. interestingly, I ask myself the exact same two questions. don't know the answers yet.

in your case, i'm glad that you do.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's great news... you are NOT any derogatory term for choosing to recover. The only terms I can think for people who choose to recover are those of strength, integrity, patience, kindness.
Regarding the love - I still think that may be the least important question.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I glad your feeling better and out of the funk!


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds good. When going through this crap, we must upgrade our ability to process pain or otherwise continue to suffer and be inefficient. Upgrades are required on both sides, and some upgrades are required regardless of your choice to reconcile. 1, 2, and 3 appear to be good upgrades! Don't stop. Our processing plants can never be too efficient!


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great to hear you feel like you're out of your funk sisoon.

As for your 3) I can relate. Well, I know what my boundaries are, am sure I'll enforce them should the time come, but don't honestly know how I'd react should a situation arise that would challenge them. That concerns me. I truly don't believe my wife will ever test them or cross them, but I really don't know what I'd do if she did. I'd like to think I'd stick to what I think, believe and have said I'll do, but I just don't know.

Anyways, as said, great to hear you're out of your funk. Here's hoping you have many more days like this going forward and keep feeling like you're a spouse that was once betrayed instead of a betrayed spouse. I hope to get to that point some day myself.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Topic Posts: 7

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