Looking back on the last 5 months or so, beginning with the runup to our 2nd antiversary, I've concluded I've been in a funk over 2 questions:
1) Am I a _____ (fill in the blanks with derogatory term of your choice) for choosing R?
2) Does she really love me?
My answers are as follows:
1) For some unknown reasons (some definitely healthy and some probably unhealthy), I chose my W, and I really meant 'for better or worse'. I accept her as she is, so I accept her betrayal of herself and me - my choice, and I'm comfortable with it. (Yeah, I had to endure the A, but I 'had to endure' a whole lot more, too, and that 'more' is pretty pleasurable.)
2) Yes, she loves me - but that's only one side of the coin. The other, perhaps more important, side is accepting and loving myself, and I'm getting back to that. Without loving myself, I don't think I'd notice that my W loves me.
3) I don't know where my boundaries are, and I'm a little bit concerned about that. I have laid out some significant limits (monogamy and honesty, for example), but my W is meeting or exceeding requirements, and I don't know how I'd behave if she were to stop. I hope I never find out, but I've decided to thrive no matter happens between W & me (and all indications are that we've gotten through the tough stuff).
I've been feeling OK about myself and my sitch and my W and our M since last Tuesday or Wednesday, which is the longest stretch since D-Day.
I may be out of my funk. I sure hope so. It's about time....
Is there a 'former BS' status? I think I may be an S who was B(etraye)d, but BS doesn't feel entirely accurate any more.