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User Topic: A without a Fog; True Love 5 years
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Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never tell anyone to get a clue, but I just don't know how you could sit and listen to him say that to you. If he loves her so much..GTFO and go be with her. It's not your fault she doesn't want him now. You do not deserve to have to hear this or be providing him with a soft place to rest his screwed up head. You need to get this man out of your life so you can actually have a life. This is no way to live and him being there, pronounching his love for the OW is ridiculous to say the least. Only you can put a stop to this situation. Good luck!!!!

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everybody soooo much for your support.

couple of things.. gosh i wish i could be more succinct!!! But you guys said a lot! : ) (thank you thank you)

1) there may be a fine line between my WS trying not to minimize relationship and being cruel. I'm not sure where that line is but I can be quite incessant in my questioning. Yes, he is likely in the entire fog of affair love, but if he minimizes his feelings isn't that a lie too?

2) I got the "true love" between them from a slew of emails I discovered, and he knew that i read them, so he was just trying not to infuriate me further.

3) they are not together because OW lives in fear of my telling her BS, and because he had already been trying to end it for some time (and i can see that from emails) and just was unable to separate. He tells me he misses her sometimes (which is unwelcome but par for the course when an affair is suddenly brought to and end) but that most of all he feels relief. The affair was very stressful and hard work (poor baby).

4) i have not yet informed BS. I am still very unsure of that path. My attorney advised not to, mostly due to the unknown consequences; ie, what if the BS goes psycho and kills someone. I know i would just be messenger, but it would still be a heavy burden to bear. AND i am not sure he wouldn't prefer to stay thinking his life is happy (yeah i know, his marriage is crap, but that's for them to figure out). And I have a hard time intruding into his life and bringing such incredible pain into his life (and yes, I know I didn't do this, but I would still be the messenger.) My IC is very gentle and has not said anything specific, although I'm pretty sure she would advise against it as well.

5) WS is doing things to make me feel special - painting the house on 30' ladders, making me breakfast/dinner, running baths, etc. Talking somewhat, but sometimes getting impatient and angry with my questioning. Going to MC with me, and eager to go. It's all not quite enough; his inclination is to rug sweep and my inclination is to stage a 24/7 inquisition! Not sure what is realistic and appropriate. And I wonder how much of a conscience he has! Or if he cannot stand the guilt, so stuffs it. All complicated. Exhausting.

6) as far as being #2, yes it's a concern. Thing is, i can look back into our past and see the dynamics between us that made our relationship vulnerable to an affair. I didn't cause the affair, i know that, but things are not always so simple. I wish i could say: he cheated, he lied, he betrayed, he's a jerk , etc and kick him to curb. But I know the whole thing is more complex and no matter the outcome I seem to have a need to understand and clarify before I get to a decision. If/when we part, i would like to do it with grace and not anger; i think that would be better for me. To make a rational decision, not a reactive decision based on high flung emotions and deep pain.

7) Excellent advice to focus on the life I want. I am doing that too, but am still confused and unsure. Too many things to think about; still unsure AND afraid that if I don't fix the issues i have, that i will just wind up with another broken person who hurts me. Devil i know? Devil i don't know who is yet to be revealed? Single? Not sure.

8) The Basement! He co-owns the house. I have no legal right to kick him out. We are going to sell the house. I told him that since OW came into house 4 months after we bought it, that I just cannot stay here. He has agreed. I don't know why exactly; he says its because i want to sell it but i know him, and he just doesn't do things because I want to do them. Who knows what plan Bs he has; i certainly have mine (all while trying to be honest; how messed up is this post-A crap!)

9) I'm quite sure that he loves me and always has. I think he got involved with a married woman as a coping strategy perhaps and not with intent to leave me; his rationale was he hoped things would get better between us. (really? by having an affair? great strategy!) Dolt.

10) Finally, Dday was fairly recent, and I'm not yet emotionally balanced or perceptually clear, and i do not need to make a decision now. I can wait and move forward through this slog of painful crap. I am in IC and have been for months prior to this, and we just had 1 MC meeting.

And finally, finally, i am not at all convinced that he has what it takes, or even if his love for me or for anyone is real, or if he just functions to meet his own needs and his love is about what he gets and not much else. but then I could probably learn a thing or two about love as well.

Here's hoping that through pain comes growth and clarity and better decisions for future. Thank you everyone and I'm happy to disabused of anything that may be delusional! Seriously.

Healing wishes to all.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Does the OW have kids??

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he is/was so in love with her ...why does he stay with you? Does he think he is doing you a favor? Is he so amazing that you would be willing to settle for being his second true love? I don't see him as being the big prize.

Whatever you decide, be good to you.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have a lot of good people here who have been through it, read countless of different accounts of it, and who know what they are talking about. I'm glad you came here.

What's to stop the coffee ice cream lovers from rekindling their A after they realize you won't tell OW's BH? Your keeping it to yourself is a sign of weakness to them. In their minds, the three of you are lying to the OW's BH.

They are both in withdrawal, wanting to reconnect, and they need "help" staying away from each other.

Outing the A to the other BS will increase the vigilance and shine a bit of reality on the A.

How would you feel if OW's BH has known about the A all along and decided not to tell you, to protect you or for whatever reason?

He deserves to know. He can handle his own feelings. The likelihood of him harming someone is very low...and even if he did, it would not be your fault.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although my WS affair was much shorter, he said all the same things. It was "something about her", she was the first woman in 18 years that did this to him, he didn't understand why he felt that way blah blah blah ad nauseum.
I will echo what the others was NOT a true relationship. It was based on ego need and ego stroking. Maybe it was more of a slow burn than the flash fire my WS had. Either way, same story.
My WS finally came out of the fog after many roller coaster weeks of him begging me/begging her.
Now that he's out, I am in a place of sitting back and thinking. I see you are there as well.
Do you want to be married to this person for the rest of your life? If you met him now, would you date him? Could you fall in love with him?
Dynamics of the marriage have something to do with it, yes...but as the others have said-where do you see yourself in 3 months? in 3 years?
I am in the same place with all of those thoughts.
Now that the A is over, and I truly have the OPTION of being with I want him?
Like you, I say time may bring the answer (and meds!), but I have 3 boys stuck in the middle of this who need a direction and focus. So time is not my friend.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 26
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