thank you everybody soooo much for your support.
couple of things.. gosh i wish i could be more succinct!!! But you guys said a lot! : ) (thank you thank you)
1) there may be a fine line between my WS trying not to minimize relationship and being cruel. I'm not sure where that line is but I can be quite incessant in my questioning. Yes, he is likely in the entire fog of affair love, but if he minimizes his feelings isn't that a lie too?
2) I got the "true love" between them from a slew of emails I discovered, and he knew that i read them, so he was just trying not to infuriate me further.
3) they are not together because OW lives in fear of my telling her BS, and because he had already been trying to end it for some time (and i can see that from emails) and just was unable to separate. He tells me he misses her sometimes (which is unwelcome but par for the course when an affair is suddenly brought to and end) but that most of all he feels relief. The affair was very stressful and hard work (poor baby).
4) i have not yet informed BS. I am still very unsure of that path. My attorney advised not to, mostly due to the unknown consequences; ie, what if the BS goes psycho and kills someone. I know i would just be messenger, but it would still be a heavy burden to bear. AND i am not sure he wouldn't prefer to stay thinking his life is happy (yeah i know, his marriage is crap, but that's for them to figure out). And I have a hard time intruding into his life and bringing such incredible pain into his life (and yes, I know I didn't do this, but I would still be the messenger.) My IC is very gentle and has not said anything specific, although I'm pretty sure she would advise against it as well.
5) WS is doing things to make me feel special - painting the house on 30' ladders, making me breakfast/dinner, running baths, etc. Talking somewhat, but sometimes getting impatient and angry with my questioning. Going to MC with me, and eager to go. It's all not quite enough; his inclination is to rug sweep and my inclination is to stage a 24/7 inquisition! Not sure what is realistic and appropriate. And I wonder how much of a conscience he has! Or if he cannot stand the guilt, so stuffs it. All complicated. Exhausting.
6) as far as being #2, yes it's a concern. Thing is, i can look back into our past and see the dynamics between us that made our relationship vulnerable to an affair. I didn't cause the affair, i know that, but things are not always so simple. I wish i could say: he cheated, he lied, he betrayed, he's a jerk , etc and kick him to curb. But I know the whole thing is more complex and no matter the outcome I seem to have a need to understand and clarify before I get to a decision. If/when we part, i would like to do it with grace and not anger; i think that would be better for me. To make a rational decision, not a reactive decision based on high flung emotions and deep pain.
7) Excellent advice to focus on the life I want. I am doing that too, but am still confused and unsure. Too many things to think about; still unsure AND afraid that if I don't fix the issues i have, that i will just wind up with another broken person who hurts me. Devil i know? Devil i don't know who is yet to be revealed? Single? Not sure.
8) The Basement! He co-owns the house. I have no legal right to kick him out. We are going to sell the house. I told him that since OW came into house 4 months after we bought it, that I just cannot stay here. He has agreed. I don't know why exactly; he says its because i want to sell it but i know him, and he just doesn't do things because I want to do them. Who knows what plan Bs he has; i certainly have mine (all while trying to be honest; how messed up is this post-A crap!)
9) I'm quite sure that he loves me and always has. I think he got involved with a married woman as a coping strategy perhaps and not with intent to leave me; his rationale was he hoped things would get better between us. (really? by having an affair? great strategy!) Dolt.
10) Finally, Dday was fairly recent, and I'm not yet emotionally balanced or perceptually clear, and i do not need to make a decision now. I can wait and move forward through this slog of painful crap. I am in IC and have been for months prior to this, and we just had 1 MC meeting.
And finally, finally, i am not at all convinced that he has what it takes, or even if his love for me or for anyone is real, or if he just functions to meet his own needs and his love is about what he gets and not much else. but then I could probably learn a thing or two about love as well.
Here's hoping that through pain comes growth and clarity and better decisions for future. Thank you everyone and I'm happy to disabused of anything that may be delusional! Seriously.
Healing wishes to all.