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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things that Felt "Off"
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the years there were times that I wondered if WH was having an affair. There was never any proof my gut just felt off. I know I will never ever know. I saw a post can't find it now but it triggered some memories. I decided that I would journal those things that pinged for me.

A yellow dress shirt and tie he got from a woman coworker for a Christmas gift exchange. He returned it to get the correct size then wore it every Sunday for years even though I bought him a nice white shirt. It was the same shirt he wore to court.


A really nice watch he "bought" from a coworker even though he doesn't wear a watch and it had the kind of band that pulled the hairs on his arm.


Earrings he bought for GD1 that were big hoops and not age approiate for a 6 year old. He purchased these while we were together and he carried the small bag with him. He didn't say anything but I saw he had the bag. Since it was close to my birthday I thought it might be a gift for me. When we got home he casually mentioned he got some earring for GD1. I was shocked at what they looked like.


A work trip he took to Flordia he never traveled much for work. He made a big deal of sending me his itinerary to show his schedule and that his work had purchased his ticket. Since Dday I've wondered if he in fact OW with him. He called and told me some crazy story about having to travel around all evening because they had a hotel so far from the convention center.


Just before I went on my "surprise" birthday trip in 2012 he purchased new clothes and got some boxers which he hadn't worn in years. I remember thinking that was different. When I was gone he traveled out of town and met up with the OW.


Another time I was out of town on a trip I came home and saw his underware that he only wore on "special" occasions on the floor. It felt off and when I asked him about why he had been wearing them he said he ran out of laundry and they were the only ones clean. I remember asking him what he would think if he found my lingerie was laying on the floor after he had been out of town. I can't remember what he said I think something like he might have wondered about it.

A graduation party for his niece several hours away. We were going for a long weekend. At the last minute he couldn't go because he was loaning our BBQ to a group and had to deliver it and pick it up. He did come and stayed over night then got up and left first thing in the morning.

Of course, I'll never get the truth I will just be left with wondering. At this point I don't really put much energy into it. I just wanted to write it down to get it out of my head!

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 4:52 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes he would insist on handwashing a regular pair of underwear, pants or workshirt. In the tub. Would NOT let me wash them, would get indigantly angry with me when I'd offer. I never understood why in the world he would bother washing these random items when we had a perfectly functioning washer & dryer and I regularly did the laundry. Of course now I know why.

Went on a business trip with co-workers to Reno. Got fired as soon as he came back. He said it was because the guys wanted to go to a strip club but he refused on moral grounds. This was embarassing to the guys, so he got fired.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through a phase of this too. Even today little things pop into my head that make it all seem so obvious now. It pisses me off for a bit then I brush it off.

I don't need him to verify anymore. He never will. What I do know is enough, more than enough.

Its hard to imagine how someone could deceive someone so much and for so long. Or why. DD and False R were the final pushes I needed to make changes that were a long time coming.

I cannot tell you how good it is to not worry about where he has gone emotionally anymore. I wasted 5 long years searching for him.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's crazy-making, isn't it? Things still pop into my head more that 3 years after I left him (and almost 5 years after d-day.) I don't react to them anymore, other than thinking, "Oh, yeah. Right."

It takes time--simple time. Process in any way you can.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:44 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btdt. The weirdest flashback (if you will) for me was a conversation we had when my DD became pregnant out of wedlock.
He was being a real prick, not talking to her. I cornered him one night, my intent was to drive home the point that she had never considered an Abortion (which he would have strongly opposed due to several in his past).

I got up real close and stopped him as he was headed out the door. "Let me ask you something," I said, "how many kids do you have?"

The weirdest look crossed his face - and he hesitantly answered "2...?". I went forward to make my point... and he seemed to get it. Never really thought about it again until...

Maybe a year after Dday I got a flash to that moment - that expression - it wasn't confusion - it was more of a "shit - she knows look" It flashed right in front of me, and his tone was exactly that when he tried to deny the A.

There are dozens of oddities that have fallen into place the way you describe. Now, I trust my gut.... and I presume there is an OC out there somewhere... or at least that there might be.

Weird. Weird the way the mind stores those random fragments that just don't fit with the puzzle.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure XWH only had one affair and he confessed two weeks after it started. Of course I could be wrong, but my things that felt off are more about why he was never a good partner for me. Red flags I should have seen earlier, like:

1. Having no friends. We got married at the courthouse with only immediate family there because he said he had no one who could stand up for him, and his side of the hall would be empty (I have tons of friends and a big family.)

2. Mean-spirited joking. He said so many mean things to me and when I would call him on it, he brushed it off as a joke. I later recognized this as a form of emotional abuse -- it gives him free reign to say anything he wants and if I complain, then I have a bad sense of humor.

3. Having a place where he was going to hide my body, telling me where it was, and then getting mad at me when I told others about where it was because he'd have to find another, secret, place (thinking it was all a joke -- I'm pretty sure it wasn't.)

4. The rages he would occasionally go into, that were provoked by almost nothing. Several times I feared for my life in road rage incidents and I thought he might get into a physical fight when he'd confront someone for, say, not holding the door for him when XWH was leaving a store.

5. The fact that he didn't have any interests of his own and would instead take on my interests. He was also frequently bored.

6. He put me down all of the time, claiming that my food tasted terrible, even when I knew it was good, or telling me what a slow runner I was, even when I'd win an award (he also wouldn't let me stay to pick up the award.) And then I'd have to praise him for his "accomplishments" -- like drinking a glass of water without coming up for air, or how fast he could move his feet while dancing.

I could go on and on... Looking back, I can't believe what I put up with! Sometimes I wonder how I got out with any self-respect at all. Had he been given enough time, I'm pretty sure he could have broken me completely. :(


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, boy do I "get" this!!

I remember so many times that I felt this, and wondered but felt so foolish and insecure for my thoughts!

yeah, wish I trusted myself then instead of him.

It doesn't matter now, except to reinforce listening to the gut.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT so I totally get it. One of the biggest for me was 17 years ago when I was pregnant with DD#3. He was having chest pain off and on. He blew it off, but I was concerned. When I was five months pregnant he had a really bad episode and asked me to call 911. I did, and they transported him to the ER. They kept him over night, and I stayed by his side. It ended up being severe digestive issues. Fast forward to 2009 and I found out he had whore #1 pregnant at the same time. No wonder the bastard was having chest pains! I wish he had expired right then and there...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1203 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is amazing, even 10 years divorced.. the 'AHAs" still come. Now I just acknowledge them as my truth and keep going. I don't wonder..

I feel like I knew back then, just couldn't face it. And now that random piece to the jigsaw puzzle really doesn't make a difference - I already know what the picture looks like,

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The distance he put between us.

Starting to force being away from home more and more.

Starting to get "busier" at work and then working into not being found if I called during the day. Escalated to "I have to stay longer" at a job that did not give overtime and he complained that it was not busy and boring there.

Later and later nighttime hours. Not coming "up" but creating chores instead.

Outdoor late night phone calls.

Pushing me to find things to do without him-visit a relative overnight, go on a day-long shopping trip-finding ways for me to be away from home long hours.

He even planned us a trip and then got very forceful about not going for part of it.

The mobile phone. Behavior with the mobile phone that other people we know don't have. Huge clue.

Longer bathroom periods (text/sexting ow from there and who knows what else.)

More and more days full of "chores in the basement" or yard by himself and not spending time with all of us together on days off.

So much.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget the anger/defensiveness at nothing!

Picking fights.

Stomping out.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine "only" had one affair, but there were definitely signs. He wasn't good at hiding any of it.

We used to get ice cream frequently from 711, and he'd be the designated person to go. He'd disappear longer and longer (really it should have taken 15 minutes round trip, that's how close we lived to 711 - but it would take 45 minutes to an hour). Post D-Day I discovered OW lived 3 blocks from 711.

I was in the hospital 2 weeks before he left, and my parents said he came home at 3am one of the nights claiming to have been at the hospital with me, when in reality he was gone by 9.

Deleting his text messages and call logs, which he NEVER did.

Leaving for work (he worked nights) earlier and earlier and rushing me to put the baby to bed so that he could leave for work. He didn't have to be in NYC until 10, but he'd leave by 7:30 towards the end. We live roughly 25 minutes from Penn Station...

I don't even think he knows that I've tied all of these loose ends together by myself. He never validated, never apologized, hell, he still to this day does't think he was having an affair.

It's alright. Karma is a bitch. From what I've heard through the grapevine (because I got my ex-inlaws in the divorce - or at least my exMIL and exBIL/SIL)...XWH and OW fight constantly and they do not have a happy marriage. Imagine that?!


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wxh was a mechanic - he never showered before work, just put on a ball cap.

About 10 years before D-Day #1, he suddenly started showering before work.

Yup. MOW told me about it, which made such a light bulb go off for me. Made so much sense.

And then I realized that my entire marriage was a lie.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now that random piece to the jigsaw puzzle really doesn't make a difference - I already know what the picture looks like,
This really represents where I am. From time to time, I have these moments of "Oh! THAT'S what that was about."

And then I go back to what I was doing. There impact isn't there anymore, it's just another piece of hay for the bale.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25776 | Registered: Aug 2011
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deleting text messages to someone labeled "friend" in her contacts. (1000 text messages between Christmas and New Years, all deleted)

Sitting in the batroom for hours with her iPhone.

over the last two summers, she encouraged me to take the kids on vacation without her.

Her having to stay at school every afternoon until about 5:00 getting ready for the next day, when she could knock out a lesson plan in about 15 minutes.

When a guy friend would text her a 3am asking her where she was, and when they were going to get the party started!!

Her clothing style went from conservative elementary school teacher to slut mom.

Her begging me to buy her a pair of synthetic boobs because her clothes just don't fit her right.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"2. Mean-spirited joking. He said so many mean things to me and when I would call him on it, he brushed it off as a joke. I later recognized this as a form of emotional abuse -- it gives him free reign to say anything he wants and if I complain, then I have a bad sense of humor.

6. He put me down all of the time, claiming that my food tasted terrible, even when I knew it was good, or telling me what a slow runner I was, even when I'd win an award (he also wouldn't let me stay to pick up the award.) And then I'd have to praise him for his "accomplishments" -- like drinking a glass of water without coming up for air, or how fast he could move his feet while dancing. "

This is how my WH has been. He says I have no sense of humor and he tells me my cooking is bad and that I am not intelligent. After reading your examples, I realize that WH needed his ego stroked for every little thing the way OW does for him. He likes to note that he has a high IQ.

Of course, after 40 hours of work, 3 hour daily commute racing home to cook and clean up (with little help from him) for the past several years, I am tired and exhausted. I mentioned on several occasions that I could use some help.

He can't keep up his best behavior with OW forever before the mask starts to slide off, after my exit. Then he can start digging into her. I think it's just his nature - maybe he learned it from his father, a single father.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Night fishing" yeah he was looking to use his worm all right. there were many but right now this is the only one I can remember anymore.

These things used to go through my mind a lot. Nowadays, I don't think of those offs much at all or even care.
You may think you will never get to that point, but one day you will.


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept having the same horrible dream, from about 2 months after the start of his A. The last time I had it was the night before DD.

He became angrier and angrier as time when on.

Ignored V-Day, my b-day & our anni that year.

Left earlier for work, came home later.

In retrospect, I see that the whole M was a lie. XH cheated days before we got M'd, pretty much the entire time we were M'd.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He became angrier and angrier as time when on.

Did your WS get angrier before Dday or after or both? My WH also became angry and IRATE like I'd never seen him in the almost 9 years that we were together.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

FOL - XH withdrew/tried cake eating immediately after DD. Once I 180'd & started NC w/him is when he became much, much angrier than I'd ever seen him. I have never seen such hateful behaviour in my life.

/TJ


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 23
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