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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Interesting Teslet Stuff Today
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must be alot that he's processing. We were going to go to the city and a museum today...but rainy and blah...so skipped it for a jammie day. Kinda glad we did.

Last night Teslet said he would like to try to sleep in his own bed but he wanted me to sleep just a few feet away just in case. This is great! (He's been sleeping in my bed since I started working last fall.) I've been talking a lot about moving into a room downstairs and turning my room into his. So today I started cleaning a closet out and he brought in a couple of pictures that he wanted to 'decorate' his room with. One is a picture of him and me. That picture was placed as pictures normally are, so he could see it. He said, "I'm putting it here because I love this picture." THe other picture was of him and his dad. That picture was placed in a window, facing out so someone outside could see it. He said, "I want people to see my dad."

Later he was drawing a picture. He put a line across half the sheet and colored in one half of it. There were two people in the colored in half and one person in the clean half. I told him his picture looked pretty interesting, could he tell me the story? He said that the filled in half was the fog and he was one of the people lost in the fog. I was the other person in the fog and I was looking for him. I was close by him because I found him. I asked who the person outside the fog was. He said it was daddy. Daddy was looking for him too but he couldn't see Teslet and didn't find him.

At one point today, I had to reprimand him. After the reprimand there is always a hug and reassurance that even when I get angry with him that I still always love him and that he is stuck with me forever. Poor little guy says to me, "But mom, how will I keep my babies with me when I'm a dad? I'm a boy, I can't make babies and keep them forever." This is not the first time he has said something like this. So I guess I jumped in a little deeper than I have before. I told him that someday when he was old enough...very old...he would meet a girl he will love and help her make babies and because he will love her he will be a good husband to her and a good dad to his kids and keep her and his babies forever. And I would come over and help out because then I would be a grandma.

His two responses to this:
1. He didn't know how to make babies. (In my mind flashed a picture of grumpy cat with the word, "Good." at the bottom )
2. When he had babies, wouldn't I be dead? (No, my son, I will be old...not dead. )

Wish there was a manual to go with this shit. It's hard watching an innocent process crap he has no control over. I guess the good news is that he is processing it and he can talk about it and express it. I wonder if he talks about any of this with ex-shat. Or does any drawing over there...or any symbolic actions (like with the photos...which is the first time I've ever noticed him do anything like that.)

How do I teach him to be a good dad and a faithful husband when I have no immediate model that I can point to and say, "Here. Here is what a good husband and father does."


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4559 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're such a wonderful mommy. ((((Tesla)))


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww, he is so stinkin' sweet and smart Tesla. I agree, you are a fabulous mommy..

I'm lucky to have my brothers and father around to give my boys good role models, but I think even talking about what good husbands and fathers do is enough.

And I agree that it's a good sign that he is processing things and is open to sharing his feelings with you. That's so very important. I know sometimes I struggle with just getting my kids to feel safe enough to express things with me, so I think you are doing a great job fostering an environment where he can trust you and open up..

Big hugs to you and your sweet little boy (((Tesla and Teslet)))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Tesla))


"I want people to see my dad."

That breaks my heart. My father was completely absent. He was violent and not very nice to be around but I too missed "a dad". At his funeral several years later I cried a river. I was crying for what I never had.

What I find sad is Teslet feels this way even though his dad is still around. He's physically present but clearly not emotionally present.

It is hard to watch. Hard to accept that they're not revelling in these amazing little creatures. I feel blessed ever day to be a part of my girls lives, to be their mummy is like I've won the lotto.

You are a wonderful mamma Tesla. You're raising a good man there.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5448 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tesla, DD (age 4) constantly draws pictures of me and her together. We're always holding hands, smiling, outdoors, and happy. Only ONCE (at least at my house) has she ever drawn a picture of her dad. She folded over a piece of paper with a square cut out for a window. On the outside, she and I were standing together, holding hands like we always are in her pictures. On the inside (through the window) are her two brothers "playing video games" together. This is a typical dynamic for our family. DD is with me, helping me plant, pull weeds, sweep, etc. The boys are often inside playing together (though not always video games, I swear).

Then, there was a fifth person standing near the house, looking in the window. When I asked who that was, she said, "Oh, that's Dad. He's looking in the window."

That's pretty much what our family is like-- the four of us together (sometimes two and two) with their dad on the outside, looking in. I thought that her little artwork was very telling and very observant. It's like he's a part of our family, but he also isn't (and this was true before the D as well).

I know how you feel-- I worry that I won't be enough when it comes to raising upstanding young men primarily on my own. I'm getting my boys signed up with the Cub Scouts this fall, and I try to have them spend as much time with my dad and brothers as they can. I know you've mentioned your brother before; Teslet probably gets more positive male influence in his life than you realize. But, if you are worried about it, you might want to think about signing him up with some sort of organization where he'd spend quality time with a responsible male leader if you haven't done so already.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 7:36 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Oct 2011
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS4 said to me once "when I'm a grown up, I'm not going to not want to get married any more". This meant that he wants to stay married. I was so angry at waffle for the stupid example he's set.

Does Teslet have any age appropriate books about different types of families? Does he have grandparents, aunts, uncles etc in more traditional nuclear families? While he seems to totally get that you and he are doing wonderfully as a family, maybe it would help him to see examples of different families. This may even help (long?) down the road when there may be a "step" in the picture.

Good luck. Teslet sounds like such an intelligent, insightful little boy.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Parenting after D is so hard. Like you, I worry so much because there is only so much I can do.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's such a smart, sweet boy. And you responded to him so very well.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree ... parenting after D is more challenging.

You are doing a great job momma!! Yes, there is only so much we can do. He will be a good dad and husband because he will not want to make the same mistakes like his dad. There will also be other "positive male role models" in his life.

I am so grateful for the men in my family and teachers in my son's life who have been serving as positive male role models.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Oct 2012
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poor little guy says to me, "But mom, how will I keep my babies with me when I'm a dad? I'm a boy, I can't make babies and keep them forever."

Oh my god, tesla, are you trying to make me weep? That's just the saddest thing ever.

But on the flip side, I love reading the absolutely perfect answers you always have for teslet. You're a wise mommy!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
timeforchange
♀ Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have worried about my boys knowing how to be a great dad and husband. Actually their father's disinterest, inconsistency and immaturity serve as a wonderful example..... Of how NOT to be.

When ds was 7... He said ..

"Mom I am actually quite glad my dad is not a good dad....as now I know I know how to be the best dad ever. I will just do the opposite that my dad does".

Bless the hearts of all our kids who have a useless parent.


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
Topic Posts: 11

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