Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair closure apologizing?
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW hurts inside with guilt and remorse about the other couple. She feels VERY responsible, but what to do at this point?

Does she walk away and never look back?

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

Does anyone have any stories about something like this? Suggestions?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she walk away and never look back?
This.

IMO, closure is bullshit. Closure means ending the A and keeping NC.

The wife won't care what your wife has to say and any contact with OM is breaking NC.

Right now your WW needs to be focusing on fixing herself and helping to give you what you need to heal.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So totally agree with AN.

The best thing your wife can do is to move past the affair, remain no contact, heal herself, and never trespass again.

The OW could call me with the best apology every given, and I'd tell her to eff off.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She needs to leave the BW alone. Her wanting closure,after NC has been well established,is a bit selfish.

The BW is trying to move forward. The last thing she will want is for her WH's OW to reinsert herself into her life,regardless of your BW's reason.

She waged war on another woman's family. The best thing she can do is stay away..far away.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDAY - 6/6/12 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - 6/7/12 (found out who) EA

With one-year anti-versary around the corner, she doesn't need to tear the scab off the wound.

Does she walk away and never look back?

Yes!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will admit early on I did worry about closure - OM's wife found out and OM sent my WW a NC. But that was when I was in the BS fog. I am no longer! Closure is overrate. Thousands have lost loved ones and never had the chance for closure, yet they found a way to heal.

If she really wants to help the other couple - she will do that by never contacting them again - EVER! Her wanted to contact them is to help HER feel better. As others have stated she can help herself out by fixing what was/is wrong in her.

I was double betrayed. OM was a friend to me. However he should never try and reach out to me to apologize. Any effort will result in me "reaching out" to him! Seriously if he does not turn and walk away should we met I will convey my displeasure to him, over what he has done. And I am sure OM's wife feels exactly as I do toward WW

Also any effort from WW to reach out and apologize to OM or OM's BW, will be a break of NC and result in me leaving.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she walk away and never look back?

Another vote for this.

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is. If she feels even the least amount of remorse, then prove it by staying out of my life forever.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do *not* want to hear from any of they AP's. This far out, I wouldn't believe any apology other than altruistic, be it to assuage their own guilt or to worm their way back into my FWH's life.

This is part of dealing with the consequences of their actions. Guilt sucks. Should have considered that beforehand.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
La Traviata
♀ Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I got an apology from WH's AP, I would be furious. My "closure" is my business and I don't need her participation, her closure is not something I intend to help her with.

Your FWW might "owe" the BS an apology. But more than that, she owes him the right to live his life without her anywhere near it.

It sounds like she wants to send a request for forgiveness, which is neither an apology nor amends.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IIRC, one of the 12-step principles is to make amends, but not if it's likely to hurt the other person.

Your W wants closure for her own purposes. That's probably wayward thinking. Healing, for your W, includes acknowledging what she's done and dealing with it appropriately.

In this case, 'appropriate' means NC.

NC isn't punishment, although it may seem that way. It's part of owning her own shit. She can and almost must do it, as difficult as it seems.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to be the one to disagree with the majority. I would advise against calling, but if your WW is willing to write a heartfelt, honest apology in which she takes full responsibility for her actions, acknowleges the pain she caused and does this because she feels remorse, it might be okay. She should not expect anything in return, nor should she expect to be forgiven. If OW had written me such an apology, I might have actually forgiven her instead of hating her with the fury from hell.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 577 | Registered: Jul 2011
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she calls her up to apologize, she'd better be prepared to go the whole 9 yards. Full, HONEST disclosure of every question that BS asks.

If she isn't up to the task...walk away.

The BS doesn't want an apology, they want truth.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't get this.

If my H wanted to call to apologize to anyone I would feel like he wasn't ready to let go of the affair drama, like he still wanted to matter.

Let it go. Let the other BS heal. I would never want to hear from anyone my H had been with.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am the minority on this, but if AP sent me an email analogizing to me, I would like it. I would like to know that she is hurting, and working on herself. I would like to know that she is taking responsibility for her horrible choices. But, every couple is different, and you need to do what is best for you two.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with the minority here.

In my sitch I feel that I am going through all this pain and trauma and OW walked away, happy-as-larry and has never suffered a moment's guilt/pain/shame/remorse after the war she waged on my family. So if she would take the trouble to write me a letter expressing her remorse and apologising for the pain she has caused me I would really appreciate that. OTOH, I would HATE it if she phoned me or arrived on my doorstep - a heartfelt letter would be what I would want from her.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His last OW sent me an emailing apologising for 'hurting me.' She also wanted 'closure.' I told her, in no uncertain terms, what I thought of her. I could give a shit about her feelings. She never considered mine! She wanted to go off into the sunset with my WH and was 'deeply, deeply hurt' that he chose me over her...

The other one (twelve years), when I told her BS that she was STILL in contact with my WH, even though she had promised him [her BS] that it was 'over', was absolutely furious with ME and wrote my WH that she was blocking his 'fucking insane bitch of a wife' from anything to do with HER family! Talk about delusional.

Whatever you do, tell your WW to stay away. BS's don't need 'closure'. Waywards are pretty guilt free when they are having their affairs. Only when they are found out do they someone feel 'remorse.'


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her main reason is to try and right some part of the wrong she's done. It's not so much to bring closure to herself.

I think we'll go with the majority here just because it seems like the more popular thought and most probably OM'sBS thought as well. Perhaps.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can not right this to his wife. There is NO righting this. Her only obligation is to right it with you and her children. There is nothing she can say,no remorse so deep,that she can right this with his wife.

ETA : I just realized your first dday is a few weeks away. If it is the same day his wife found out about the affair,then his BW is probably already dreading her first dday antiversary. All the more reason to leave her alone.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:25 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused615 - actually her DDAY is in Sept.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad but true - she can't right this wrong.

The absolute best she can do is change herself so she doesn't wrong people (herself and others) in the future.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 53
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.