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User Topic: Affair closure apologizing?
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with the minority too in that I would welcome anything from OW1 *OR* OW2 that expresses regret and remorse for their role. I would vote for a letter, since I have zero desire to be put through the torture of a phone call. I would want the letter to express the understanding that there is no expectation of forgiveness from me - I will likely never forgive them and if I do, it will be something I do for myself, not for them. They have no right to ask me for ANYTHING. Even reading the letter would be my choice.

But a letter stating they now understand how what they did caused me inexplicable pain...? Why not??!! Maybe they had an epiphany. Maybe they became a BS themselves. Whatever it is, I'd love to know they've "found the error of their ways" so to speak. It wouldn't rip a scab off my wound - if anything, a well-worded letter that accepts FULL responsibility, doesn't blameshift or rehash events, and simply acknowledges their role in hurting me... it would help me move one step forward toward finding my OWN closure. I think one of the reasons I feel so stuck is because I know OW2 is stomping around like a childish brat blaming ME for the end of her happy delusion.

I would be thrilled to see her wake up and discover that I am not the one to blame. At all.

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
♂ New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW and I have talked about whether or not the OM has told his W yet. WW doesn't think he has. From what we've discussed about how it ended...WW put the stops on it, self-initiated NC, and ended it despite him wanting it to continue.

That reason was a big factor in why our R has been going so well. I'm happy that happened, but I feel sorry for OM's BS because I'm sure she is still completely clueless. I pray for her and hope that someday OM does come clean, but that's not my problem and we're not going to reconnect with OM or his family. That's his problem. My WW feels very strongly about this as well. NC means NC under any and all circumstances even if its for good reasons (ie coming clean)

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can't right the wrong and she needs to leave the other BS ALONE. If she feels the need to get some closure then she can write out a letter spelling out everything she would say to the other BS but NEVER send it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:01 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1907 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would infuriate me to be contacted by the MOW. It was my H's choice to make her a part of our life, not mine.

For her to make contact would make her relevant, something she definitely is not.

If she needs help to sort through her feelings, that's on her and I want nothing to do with it. My focus is on my own healing. I would deeply resent being made to feel that the WS is using me to ease her own guilt no matter how well intentioned it may seem.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have preferred a letter sent to me from OW, that I could have chosen to read if/when the time was ever right for me.

And I imagine the contents of the letter from OW would have changed if/when the time was ever right for her.

Either way, no one would be forcing me to read it, I could burn it without even opening. In my case I would have liked to have that option.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the BS, I too wanted the OW to feel "bad" for what she had done. Well, honestly I wanted to inflict severe bodily harm on her but I digress.

About six months post D-Day I sent her an email and just to let her know what I thought of her. I was articulate and on point and felt better hitting send.

Well she did reply with a feeble apology that she only wished the best for me, my marriage and my family.

So, I suppose I received the apology but it was not any type of closure. It only pissed me off more.

Tell your wife to work on herself and your marriage. The BS isn't going to find much comfort from the woman that helped shatter her world. I'm sorry doesn't quite cover this one.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's going half and half on this.

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No freaking way. I would get in my car drive the 4 hours to her house, and jack her up. My loathing for the OW was so great it was a really good thing for me that she lived the 4 hour trip away.

She should never look back. I also think it's BS for Closure. She is being selfish. If she wants to help she needs to maintain NC. Period.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8681 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before he went NC, WH told me OW wanted to talk to me to apologize. I told him she'd regret it if she contacted me. I would not physically hurt her, but what I had in my mind to say to her would have been the most unkind thing I've ever said.

She replied to his NC text saying she respected our wishes and hoped nothing but the best for us. I don't believe a word of it. There's nothing she can ever say to me that I would take at face value.

Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
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Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Early on the ow (my supposed best friend of 14 years) sent me an apology letter. I wanted to believe it, even thought maybe one day I would pass her on the street and smile or send her a birthday card. Then dd#2 happened, and I found the depths of her betrayal. All those years she acted like she cared about me, then what she was saying to my wh about me behind closed doors. Then, she went and broke nc and justified herself by saying ,"If something important happens in our lives I want to be able to tell (wh) how I feel". She contacted my husband to tell him she was sorry that our dog died ... The dog SHE and I had owned together in college. She refused to act even the least bit remorseful. So, let me say if your ws truly feels sorry and is willing to say something REAL, like offering what was broken in HER to do something so horrible, maybe it would be worthwhile. But if she is just trying to make herself feel better and not offering any insight, don't bother. It was more hurtful to me to receive a glimmer of hope and have it smashed

33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
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Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is.

Yes! Leave the BS alone.

**Edit because I realized I was in the R forum and I was for sure not following guidelines. Must be having a grumpy night.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 8:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
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Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got an apology from mOW#2.

I would have never wanted her to approach me - I felt that was my right if I desired.

I heard via her husband that she was remorseful and if I ever needed to ask her any questions she would be willing to do that.

At 11 months out I did so. It was absolutely my choice and my right to contact or not contact her. I was glad I knew the offer was there but wouldn't have wanted to receive it from mOW. It was for me NOT her - yes I got my questions answered and an apology.

Did it give me closure?????
Hell no!

WTF is closure anyway?
Being able to put it behind you?
Well it that is closure - it has happened yet!

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is apologizing to the other BS to assuage her own guilt. Not for the BS.

She needs to see that is selfish.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with the minority on this one. OW owes me an apology. I spoke to her on the phone after dday, and she was unremorseful and insulting about the entire situation. She played a part in the single worst disaster of my LIFE and didnt utter a single word of apology. Almost 3 years later, she still hasn't, and it really pisses me off.

I wouldn't go as far as wanting a phone call, but a sincere letter of apology would be one of the last pieces of the puzzle for me to move on from this once and for all. That will never happen, and I'm learning to move on in spite of it, but's just common decency. You bump into someone on the street, you say 'I'm sorry." I think having sex with someone's husband (and having a baby in some cases) deserves no less. But it should come to the BS, not WS.....if that happens, they're fishing.

Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
♀ Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do we read so often as advice when in R and gauging how real WS's desire to R is?

That's right - words are cheap. Actions are what counts.

That said, how would you know if AP's "apology letter" is the real thing? They lied and led on a good show during the A - both WS and AP. I'm sure it's not much effort to fake sincerity in a letter. I can't see what AP's actions are post fallout.

So, no. I wouldn't give two $h!ts about an apology. Only way I would consider the sincerity of an AP's apology is if she was willing to face me knowing that there is a possibility of a severe beat down from me, and willingly accept the risk for a chance to apologize. That, to me, shows remorse from an AP.

[This message edited by Fractured.Us at 1:05 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.

Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
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Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess there's no true answer to this since there's 4 main people involved and everyone is different.

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is 0% responsible. Once she figures out that if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else, that will go a long way towards her "getting" it. She should leave them alone.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she really wants to help the other couple - she will do that by never contacting them again - EVER!

I got an apology, not worth the time it took to read it .

The very best thing OW ever did for us was to drop off the face of the earth.

Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize.

That's the problem with apologizing. He feels good about himself, but he did it by making you spend time and energy on him.

He doesn't give a shit about you - his apology, like his A, was all about him. It's a step backward for him in his healing & changing himself.

You say he feels like shit, but he feels less like shit because he was such a thoughtful, caring man that he actually apologized. I bet he thinks you absolved him of his sin against you.

I think this may be one of those things for which there is a clear right and wrong - and it' wrong to apologize. In any case, if your W does this, it'll be all about her, just like her A.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10334 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

^^^Would mean nothing coming from a cheater, they can't/shouldn't be trusted.

Does she walk away and never look back?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
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