But a letter stating they now understand how what they did caused me inexplicable pain...? Why not??!! Maybe they had an epiphany. Maybe they became a BS themselves. Whatever it is, I'd love to know they've "found the error of their ways" so to speak. It wouldn't rip a scab off my wound - if anything, a well-worded letter that accepts FULL responsibility, doesn't blameshift or rehash events, and simply acknowledges their role in hurting me... it would help me move one step forward toward finding my OWN closure. I think one of the reasons I feel so stuck is because I know OW2 is stomping around like a childish brat blaming ME for the end of her happy delusion.

I would be thrilled to see her wake up and discover that I am not the one to blame. At all.

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

That reason was a big factor in why our R has been going so well. I'm happy that happened, but I feel sorry for OM's BS because I'm sure she is still completely clueless. I pray for her and hope that someday OM does come clean, but that's not my problem and we're not going to reconnect with OM or his family. That's his problem. My WW feels very strongly about this as well. NC means NC under any and all circumstances even if its for good reasons (ie coming clean)

For her to make contact would make her relevant, something she definitely is not.

If she needs help to sort through her feelings, that's on her and I want nothing to do with it. My focus is on my own healing. I would deeply resent being made to feel that the WS is using me to ease her own guilt no matter how well intentioned it may seem.

And I imagine the contents of the letter from OW would have changed if/when the time was ever right for her.

Either way, no one would be forcing me to read it, I could burn it without even opening. In my case I would have liked to have that option.

About six months post D-Day I sent her an email and just to let her know what I thought of her. I was articulate and on point and felt better hitting send.

Well she did reply with a feeble apology that she only wished the best for me, my marriage and my family.

So, I suppose I received the apology but it was not any type of closure. It only pissed me off more.

Tell your wife to work on herself and your marriage. The BS isn't going to find much comfort from the woman that helped shatter her world. I'm sorry doesn't quite cover this one.

She should never look back. I also think it's BS for Closure. She is being selfish. If she wants to help she needs to maintain NC. Period.

She replied to his NC text saying she respected our wishes and hoped nothing but the best for us. I don't believe a word of it. There's nothing she can ever say to me that I would take at face value.

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is.

Yes! Leave the BS alone.

**Edit because I realized I was in the R forum and I was for sure not following guidelines. Must be having a grumpy night.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 8:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I would have never wanted her to approach me - I felt that was my right if I desired.

I heard via her husband that she was remorseful and if I ever needed to ask her any questions she would be willing to do that.

At 11 months out I did so. It was absolutely my choice and my right to contact or not contact her. I was glad I knew the offer was there but wouldn't have wanted to receive it from mOW. It was for me NOT her - yes I got my questions answered and an apology.

Did it give me closure?????
Hell no!

WTF is closure anyway?
Being able to put it behind you?
Well it that is closure - it has happened yet!

She needs to see that is selfish.

I wouldn't go as far as wanting a phone call, but a sincere letter of apology would be one of the last pieces of the puzzle for me to move on from this once and for all. That will never happen, and I'm learning to move on in spite of it, but seriously.....it's just common decency. You bump into someone on the street, you say 'I'm sorry." I think having sex with someone's husband (and having a baby in some cases) deserves no less. But it should come to the BS, not WS.....if that happens, they're fishing.

That's right - words are cheap. Actions are what counts.

That said, how would you know if AP's "apology letter" is the real thing? They lied and led on a good show during the A - both WS and AP. I'm sure it's not much effort to fake sincerity in a letter. I can't see what AP's actions are post fallout.

So, no. I wouldn't give two $h!ts about an apology. Only way I would consider the sincerity of an AP's apology is if she was willing to face me knowing that there is a possibility of a severe beat down from me, and willingly accept the risk for a chance to apologize. That, to me, shows remorse from an AP.

[This message edited by Fractured.Us at 1:05 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.

I got an apology, not worth the time it took to read it .

The very best thing OW ever did for us was to drop off the face of the earth.

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize.

That's the problem with apologizing. He feels good about himself, but he did it by making you spend time and energy on him.

He doesn't give a shit about you - his apology, like his A, was all about him. It's a step backward for him in his healing & changing himself.

You say he feels like shit, but he feels less like shit because he was such a thoughtful, caring man that he actually apologized. I bet he thinks you absolved him of his sin against you.

I think this may be one of those things for which there is a clear right and wrong - and it' wrong to apologize. In any case, if your W does this, it'll be all about her, just like her A.

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

^^^Would mean nothing coming from a cheater, they can't/shouldn't be trusted.

Does she walk away and never look back?

^^^Yes