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Newest Member: leftfordust (44208)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair closure apologizing?
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would welcome a sincere, remorseful, well-written letter. I, too, struggle with the OW's lack of remorse. An enclosed, sealed timeline would also feel like hitting the lottery!

Of course, I would not want her to ask for forgiveness. That would be too brazen to expect.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 450 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Within a month of dday, I met with MOW. I had foolishly texted her to say that I was tortured and confused and suffering. Just what the OW wants to hear? Maybe, but in her case it spoke to the fact that she thinks she has great insight and can "read" people well. She was quite willing to talk with me. Maybe she felt that she could help (although she did reply to the text saying she would meet with me although she didn't think she was the one to help) or maybe she was just curious or needed some "closure" for herself.

Regardless, we met and talked, which I regret in a way now because some of her words will stay with me forever.

Point is, at the end of the conversation (3hours), I told her that I forgave her. Keep in mind that I was in a fog of my own, and was not acting rationally. I just desperately wanted everything to be right again. I thought at the time that if I never see this woman again, I did not want her to feel the pain of not having been forgiven. I was releasing her from that. And maybe myself.

She responded by saying that she did not deserve my forgiveness.

Now that I am out of that "fog", I sometimes wish I hadn't offered forgiveness, and that I want her to suffer too, but I think she is. mAt other times, I am glad I did because I never want to see her or speak with her again.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 719 | Registered: Feb 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack - I know exactly how you feel. I probably would have done the same thing but once out of the fog, I would have regretted forgiving him. I did speak to him and he asked for forgiveness and I told him I was not ready for that yet.


However, my WW sent an apology e-mail a day or 2 after BS found out. My WW was still in the fog and it did not really address things.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q....the OM was your friend. Were you all also *couple* friends?

If there was zero connection between your 2 families, then I wouldn't advise any type of contact from your wife to the OM's wife.

However, if, in the past, the BW saw your WW as her friend, then I don't think that an apology letter would be out of line at all. But I do believe it should be written not as an "I'm sorry for sleeping with your husband," but as an apology for betraying her as a person and as a friend. Kind of a 'bigger picture' thing. And it would have to be very carefully written.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.


This is what you said about OM.. And exactly how OM's wife will feel about your wife. Maintaining NC is my vote.

And, OW/xBFF in my situation also apologized, and I wished she hadn't. Because whether she meant it or not, I didn't believe her. Truly, she was sorry she got caught, that was it. Would you want OM to contact you after this time period to apologize again?

The truest form of apology is leaving them alone so OM's wife can heal.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what others have posted here.

She can't right the wrong and the last person a BS wants to hear from the AP.

There's nothing the OM can say to me to make things better. Nothing. I'd rather never hear of him or from him again.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At one point I thought that WH should write a letter of apology to the other BS. He was not a personal friend, but a friendly acquaintance, husband of his long time employee.

I thought that this man was owed an apology for helping to destroy his marriage, a wedding that we both attended almost 30 years ago. For accepting his respect and trust and kindnesses over the years.

WH does not agree and has no intention of doing any such thing.

Reading the responses here, I am beginning to agree that it should not be done. Not for WH to save face, but to spare this poor man more hurt and possible humiliation.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 719 | Registered: Feb 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe2016 - we were both friends with OM. We only saw her a few times in years of knowing him. It was a business friendship but it was a good friendship as we had lots in common.

We never went out the 4 of us.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only apology that would have meant something to me at the time it mattered ( like the first three years) would have had to come wrapped in his obituary.

Now that I've forgiven him, I just don't care anymore. Don't want it; don't need it.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6738 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
married2stranger
♀ Member
Member # 34492
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she feels the need to get some closure then she can write out a letter spelling out everything she would say to the other BS but NEVER send it.

I have often thought about asking my WH to do this, more for me than for OWBS. I want to see that the man I married acknowledges that he feels bad for causing another family the same destruction that we are experiencing. He Listened to AP vent/bitch about her BS's problems and I think it would help ME to realize that he acknowledges his part in destroying someone else's family.

I haven't asked as I am 99% sure my WH would NEVER follow through and he has admitted he never really thought about her BH. However, he never probed for inside info into her marriage. SHE/OW did she was curious about me and talked about me OFTEN.


Even if she did feel remorse, i wouldn't believe anything OW said, yet i think it would help knowing she actually has a SOUL!!


D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too little, too late. A heartfelt apology, explanaition and full timeline would have been helpful early on because my WH gave me no information. Even then, how would I know there was more than a grain of truth to anything she said? And, what apology could possibly be good enough?



Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only apology that would have meant something to me at the time it mattered ( like the first three years) would have had to come wrapped in his obituary.

I'm only 1.5 years out. I still look at the papers....

take care...



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't think she's going to call oBS. Just not worth it. However, it just seems there's a loose end on that end. Like it should be done. It is the right thing to do.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 53
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