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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: d-day
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shockedman,I feel for you man. All good advice here. But you need to get with the om wife an find out all she knows. Knowledge is power. Dont worry about upsetting your wife when you do. An brace yourself,what you will learn will upset you, but again you do need to find out as much as you can about the affair. Been there.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Target  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jtom: not sure I agree. From what I know, OP wife is crazy and it probably is a bad idea to contact her as it just might make matters worse.

Getting to Happy: I kept it simple. Just changed a few minor details like the length of time we have been married and removed one sentence about our jobs. My username will not tip her off.

Wondering Bull: I agree that the 180 is for me and I am using it as such. What meant was the simple actions I performed seemed to immediately get her attention. I am a calm, gentle man and she was not expecting me to be so protective of myself. I pulled the knife out, but believe me, I am watching my back. I realize WW has been detached for sometime so maybe that is why ,subconsciously and consciously, I feel a sense of relief. Like this facade is over. Where we go from here is yet to be determined. I do appreciate your sincere thoughts and will take them to heart.

Idealist: Not sure if that's it or I am just in shock. Perhaps part of me knows something serious was going on so subconsciously I was preparing for it and when it happened I was "slightly" prepared. Honestly I think that my time in therapy and the fact that I have been working on myself for the past 4 months has made me strong. I am sort of like "If she doesn't want me anymore, F her. I am an awesome person and will carry on no matter what" Truthfully, I KNOW I am not the cause of this. I had a part in our disconnection, but I truly think she has a lot of repressed issues that we are going to have to deal with. Fun. Fun. My situation is also compounded as we are also business partners and so I still have to communicate with her during this time.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:26 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read differing opinions about the amount I want to know. Whats your opinion?

Knowing too much hurts and is hard to get mental images out of your mind.
Not knowing enough and you feel like you are missing a piece of the puzzle.

For example I want to know all basic facts. Timeline of when it started till when it ended. How many times they had sex. She has told me 3. So I guess I should double it and say 6 since she is a liar. Same with the timeline. She says 4 Months. I am going with 7-8. We have only know this person for 9 months. I consider the start of the affair the first time she saw him and lied about it or omitted telling me. This is when her "intention" started. I am guessing that they have been physical for 4 months....

This sucks ass. Cheaters are shitty. It is so weird to love and hate someone at the same time.


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Themusicdied
♀ Member
Member # 29502
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shockedman

So sorry you find yourself amongst this group you never thought you'd be a part of.....

I know you're reeling right now and not sure which way to turn next, but you might re-think your position on not talking to the OP BW. Common thought on this site is that the more light that is shining on the A, the better the chance of it ending. Knowing that you are both keeping a watchful eye may give you some comfort.

Why do you think that the other BS is crazy? Because your WW told you? She is NOT a good source of truth right now.

Regardless of what you decide to do, you will be okay once you get through this. All it takes is time......


BW 53
FWH 54
Married 27 years
DD#1 Oct 2009 PA
DD# 2 Sept 2010 EA continued with same OW
R begins again
Update 7/2012 R going well but
I'll never forget the day the music died

Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2010
doctor49
♂ Member
Member # 15847
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different people need to know different things. Some need all the information, others little.

The right answer is that you need to know what you need to know. As you've outlined.


Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2007
doctor49
♂ Member
Member # 15847
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by doctor49 at 9:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2007
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you two decided to get two MC sessions was that with some goal in mind? Is she looking for help in ending the marriage or is she honestly looking for ways to save the marriage?

I think that very often mid-life crisis like your WW seems to be having are based on people not realizing what they have and wanting something that they think they need. Once faced with the reality of what they are getting… well… things tend to clear up fast.

It’s a bit like the joke about the man that found the genie and got one wish: He said “well – Ive been married to the same woman for 30 years and we are both approaching the age of 60. I wish I had a wife that was 30 years younger than I”. So of course the genie made the man 90 years old…

I would seriously consider giving your wife (well, at least offering it…) what she is asking for.
She has told you over the years that you are not meeting her expectations. She has told you she isn’t happy with you. She has refused you sex. She has refused to be part of a marriage. She has shown she seeks fulfillment elsewhere. [IMHO all these “symptoms” have nothing to do with you,

So tell her:
You care too much for her to constrain her. If she is so uncontent with you then you won’t stand in the way of her leaving. You aren’t happy with it but it beats feeling like you are her warden and DEFINITELY beats sharing her.
That you can accept that there might be things you do that could contribute to her discontent. BUT those things will NEVER justify her decision to have an affair. The affair is totally 100% her bad.
If she wants to work on the marriage then she has to tell you so in a clear and concise way. You won’t force her. She doesn’t have any excuse or reason to remain, nor excuse or reason to prevent her leaving. It’s totally her call.
Remove each and every excuse. Leave her standing there with no other reason for being in the marriage other than she WANTS TO.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Sep 2005
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger: Your statement is awesome, but I already asked her to leave and she moved in with her dad temporarily. Only been 5 days since d-day.

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shocked)))
So sorry you had to find yourself here with the rest of us BSs. I wish I had found this site so soon after Dday like you did, but didn't find it until a year & a half after Dday---it has helped me so much, however, I would have done things differently from the beginning if I had been on here.

Anger and a sense of indignation is a huge red flag that they are lying, and ongoing as well.

Agree with this^^^^^. Your WW's mission in life now should be to prove to you that you can trust her again.
It's not about her anymore, its about healing your pain.
If she doesn't get to this place, you don't want to R with her.

Agree with jtom. You need to talk to OM's BW.
"From what I know, OP wife is crazy"
How do you know this? From your WW? You can't believe a word she says right now.

Also, I am sorry to say this, but I feel sure, after reading your post, that there is much much more to your WW's story than she is admitting to right now. THEY ALL MINIMIZE WHEN THEY GET CAUGHT.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:28 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur: Thanks for your insight. I agree and have been gathering proof. I KNOW the affair went on for 7 months not 4. Just found out from a reliable source. I usually like to double what liars and cheaters say so i think she had sex with him 6-10 times, not 3. I talked to reliable source and she spilled some beans. She said my W said it was love at first site and that they had an instant connection. She said that my W said she is in love with him and that they have a DEEP emotional connection and I think they were planning something big. My source said that she asked if they were planning for the future together and she said yes. My guess at this point is that they were planning to both leave their spouses and get together but they didn't have all their ducks in a row yet and since they got caught they are now not sure where to go from here. I am not sure if my W is going to IC to prepare herself to tell me its over in MC. I think it may be time to end it.

Thoughts? This is SO much bigger than I imaged or ever dreamed. I am planning on talking to OP's W ASAP. I just don't want to get hurt AGAIN and really want to protect myself. I need your guidance...........

[This message edited by Shockedman at 7:16 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked,
you can't move forward, or heal from this mess until you get the truth. You don't need to know the gory details, but at least need to know the timeline. You also need to know how the other BS busted them, and what her take on this is. Crazy or not, she is reeling now too.

Like I said before, if you want to attempt R, be ready to lay out your demands for it, with consequences of not complying. You are doing quite well.

You do realize since she is not in your home, and not having to be accountable that she is at the very least still communicating with the OM. She can tell you she's not, but hey liars lie. If you and the her AP's wife are both wanting to R then you two need to work together to out this crap, and bring it to an abrupt halt.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7843 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked,

I'm so sorry--it sounds like your W's fog was beyond deep.

Remember that she had to tell herself that it was "love" and that she and OM had this instant magical bond. She had to deny the facts: It was just garden variety infatuation. She trashed her marriage to a faithful, stable, honest man for a meaningless escape. This was not a romantic love story--it was adultery.

I don't know whether the fog is lifting for her. People who were brought up in homes with a lot of denial, secrets and enabling of unhealthy behavior are often very good at lying to themselves.

It will take time to determine whether your W can grow up and stop excusing her giant weaknesses. I would suggest a consistent 180 and no contact with W outside of MC to protect yourself.

Talking to OM's BW is a good idea. The line about the BS being crazy is straight from the WS handbook. They all say that. You could get BW's take on how long this has been going on, and whether your W and her H are still in contact.

As all us BS's know, this pain sucks so bad. Remember that you are still an awesome guy with integrity and a bright future, whether your W gets her head out of her ass or not!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should contact a lawyer ASAP.
It sounds like your WW is planning on leaving.
You don't want to be blindsided by her again.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi
Trying to stay well so I saw my PCP today. He was a great source on knowledge and info and kind of slapped me back to reality a bit. I plan at this point to do nothing. Its not that I don't care, but nothing really matters at this point. Its only day 5 and I can't solve all the problems in a week. I see that now. Talking to the OP W I think will just make things worse and cause more pain. I know the true timeline. I confronted, she admitted. 7 months. Who cares? If it was 3 months and sex twice. The important details here are she had an affair that lasted 7 months and had sex 10+ times. She just admitted the number too. She also admitted that they made plans for their future to "try" to be together but hadn't set a def timeline and that she is in love with him.

To be honest I don't hold out much hope. My W is just an emotional mess. Do I believe she is truly in love with him? Possibly. It could also be the fog talking and the disillusionment is still a huge part. I think it will take her a few weeks or months to even get out of this stage. She seems to be in DEEP. But in all of this, maybe she really is in love with him. Is that a real option? On paper it is ridiculous. Together for 17 years (at least 14 or 15 happily) or 7 months? I still want to hold out hope that she will recognize that it is facade. I think it will hit her like a brick wall. I just don't know if I can wait out the storm. In some respects I feel I have to at least try, but years of therapy and digging up all the demons of her past might not be worth it.


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you do tell the OM's spouse, be prepared for him to throw your wife under the bus, at which point she will come blubbering back and claim to have come to her senses.

But, do not rugsweep. If this happens and you do reconcile, be sure to solve what lead to all of this.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailor girl: You are so right she is really in DEEP. Not sure if we have a chance. She has a lot of emotional damage to work through and I don't know that she can get there in any acceptable timeline. But what is an acceptable timeline? I do love her but I also love myself and she deeply hurt me. So it might take 2 years of ridiculous therapy and work just to have a "normal" relationship again and I get to not have sex for 2 and half years? Sounds promising

Still having a hard time with calling the OP BS because I feel like all it will do it cause problems. I know the true timeline and I know the most significant details.
My W is definitely still hiding alot. She changed her password on her cellphone account and I asked her about it. She said "I do still have the right to know my own passwords and have privacy" She also said "You really don't want to see the call or email logs. It will just hurt you" I already checked them and her cellphone carrier doesn't provide. I don't want to know all their intimate details anyway.

She is so bitter and delusional. I know it is only day 5, but I am not sure how long I can take it. I want to see where we are at at 2 weeks and hope that I see a ray of light. Don't forget she has projected on and alienated me for the past 7 months as well. I am a patient an loyal man, but.....

[This message edited by Shockedman at 1:18 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she wants to work on the marriage she does not have the right to privacy.

End of discussion.

k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 4:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6456 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I plan at this point to do nothing.

Shocked - I am very sorry that you have a reason to be here. There is no certainly to need to rush to decision. But I agree with toomanyregrets, contact a lawyer ASAP. You don't have to do anything, but you need to know your rights and options.

Peace brother.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But in all of this, maybe she really is in love with him. Is that a real option? On paper it is ridiculous. Together for 17 years (at least 14 or 15 happily) or 7 months?

The feelings of being "in love" are shallow and fickle. Actively loving, helping, challenging, supporting, working and playing with a spouse for almost two decades--that's real love.

And don't forget that the one thing your wife knew about OM from the start was his utter lack of respect for anyone's marriage vows. He's a liar, a cheater, and a sneaky coward.

So, what does it say about your wife that she thinks she has a deep emotional bond with this train wreck of a man? She is broken. You're right that she needs:

years of therapy and digging up all the demons of her past

Time will tell whether she's even willing to face herself, let alone improve herself. If she is, more time will help you decide whether it's worth sticking around to be a part of her becoming a whole, healthy person.

So it might take 2 years of ridiculous therapy and work just to have a "normal" relationship again and I get to not have sex for 2 and half years? Sounds promising

Everyone is different, but hypothetically, when her thinking is no longer disordered, and she's totally remorseful, I don't see why you couldn't be HBing while she figures out her damage and fixes it.

For day five, you are kicking ass! You sound insightful and realistic, with a touch of hope. Stay wary--she has only confirmed what you already know, and you're right to suspect more crap to come. Keep up the running and make plans with friends/family. You made it through seven months of hell and you'll be even stronger now that you're surviving the truth about your marriage.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shockedman,
My W is definitely still hiding alot. She changed her password on her cellphone account and I asked her about it.She said "I do still have the right to know my own passwords and have privacy"

Translation: She is still in the A.

I confronted, she admitted.

I am POSITIVE, from personal experience
( & it is amazing how similar our experiences are on this board)
that you do not know the whole story yet.
She is only admitting to what you have found out so far.

The only way to end the A, is for you & OMBW to team up & out them.
An A does not usually end with the drop of a hat.
The only hope for R is full disclosure from her & complete transparency, plus NC. She needs to write a NC letter & show it to you, & you mail it together.
There is always hope of creating a new, better marriage with WW.

hypothetically, when her thinking is no longer disordered, and she's totally remorseful, I don't see why you couldn't be HBing while she figures out her damage and fixes it.

Yes, this has happened to a lot of us too.

Shocked:
1. Contact OMBW
2. See a lawyer
3. Make a list of your requirements for R
4. Have her send a NC letter, & prove to you that there is no further contact
5. Complete transparency
6. Get tested for STDs

Good luck Shocked. Have been in your shoes. Sending you strength


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
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