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User Topic: d-day
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Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you find yourself dealing with this.

As an outsider looking in, my advice to you would be to cut the communications with your WS to all but essential business matters.

She is not sorry, she is no where near remorse, she's just p....d that she got caught out, that the fantasy is out in the open, and her secret life is secret no more.

At this point, you need to be completely egocentric, deal with what you need to, not her drama.

The texting, emailing and conversations are just feeding her need to be the center of interest and in control of you and the situation.

This has to stop.

If you remove all the vocal garbage, what is she actually doing?

She is more than likely still in contact with her AP and refuses a formal NC. She's vilifying you, in her mind it's all your fault. She's holding on to an ever decreasing level of control, and she refuses to give up her passwords.... she's calling it privacy, but as anyone here will tell you, after infidelity hits, it's not privacy - it's secrecy.

Your best course of action is to educate yourself as you plan to. Contact a top lawyer, accountant, estate agent, and prepare for the worst - we all hope that none of it is necessary, but to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Read up on the 180, and live it. Let your WS have a taste of what's to come if she continues on in this fashion. She's the one throwing the word divorce around, not the words of someone who has any intention of R.

The comments above about turning her statements back on her is spot on, and don't forget the classic "I'm sorry you feel that way...." especially when she comes out with yet more verbage.

Please take care of yourself, and remember this is 100% on her, she freely chose to go outside your relationship.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your continued support. I did get caught in the drama for a bit there. I thought my wife was starting to come out of the fog, but I think it was just a manipulation ploy. I realize that now and am living 180, and having 0 contact that isn't strictly business. I am an optimistic person and have been a caring and loving husband for the past 10 years. One thing I have learned in all this is to make sure I am 100% happy in myself. Part of my issues in our marriage were this. I spent all my time making sure she was happy and our marriage was OK, but never really asking myslef if I was truley happy. She spent her time looking at herself and her happiness and never at mine. Someone said it here or I read it, but it made sense. Your goal shouldn't be to spend you life trying to make your partner happy. It should be making yourself happy and sharing that happiness with your partner. I spent so much of my energy looking at her happiness. Thinking, if she is happy than I am happy, right? Happy wife, happy life!

Thats not healthy. It should be reversed. Happy life, happy wife....

[This message edited by Shockedman at 1:25 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW's comment about MC seemed to be all about what you could do, as in "if you can forgive." I didn't see much in there about what she is in the process of doing such as exhibiting remorse and being transparent.

I think you've hit on something regarding your WW's focus all this time. I think she has been focused on her FOO issues and wanted you focused on them as well. Doing so would reassure her that she is the center of attention.

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
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Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm glad to hear that your perspective is so healthy in the midst of this train wreck your WW is making of her life.

I was hoping that she would hit rock bottom when she realized what she had done. My WH faced the fact that he had become an adulterer, liar and emotional abuser. He felt like he had thrown away his integrity and he was destroyed. It was rock bottom for him and he finally started admitting that FOO dysfunction was still affecting him greatly.

I hope for your WW's sake that she will be mature and honest enough for that to happen. But you can't wait around. 180 and whatever's best for Shockedman! It is your turn.

Btw, you will be even wiser and stronger when you come through this. Great qualities for a dad (just sayin')

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shockedman
Sorry you are in this situation.

I can relate to being married to an adult child of an alcoholic. My WH (now ex-husband) was also raised in an alcoholic household. The problems were numerous. Lying, secrets, boundary (or lack there of) his own alcohol problems and of course infidelity.

The contradictions were mind boggling with him and his family. He/they would "say" one thing, but do another. This went from everything from religion to moral values. And as is true in most situations, the truth was always in the "actions".

Something that stood out as a "red flag" in your original post was the situation about your SIL and her infidelity with your brother.

An example is my brothers wife had an affair a few years ago. my brothers W and my W were/are good friends and my brothers W confided in my W about her affair and expected loyalty. My W was in a tough spot because now she was forced to lie to me and after a month or two couldn't do it anymore and came to me with this info.

I find it very, very odd that your brother's wife would choose to confide in your wife about her own affair. That would be almost like you having an affair and telling her sister about it. (not quite) I know they are close, but this is OFF. I would think you would only confide something like this with some you KNEW FOR SURE would be ok and accepting of it. And telling your husband's brother's wife....well, that adds another whole layer to this.

I can tell you this. If any of my friends ever had an affair, I would be the LAST person they would confide in about it. There is absolutely NO question where I stand on the topic. And there is NO FRIEND who could "force me" to lie to my husband in order to go along with or help cover up someone's affair.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)

Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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