Back in March, I watched some porn and tried to hide it from my husband. The reason I tried to hide it was because of embarrassment. I was brought up that anything like porn, touching yourself, sex or anything related to it was bad and you shouldn't do it or think about it, let alone watch it. So honestly, I did it out of curiousity. I never really have been interested in porn. So one morning as I was sitting on the couch, everyone was sleeping, I figured I would look at it and see what the big deal about porn was. Well my husband woke up, I panicked and deleted my internet history so he didn't find out about it. It was a really stupid thing to do on my part. I knew that it would damage my trust with him but at that time I didn't think about it. I didn't think about what it would do to our relationship, I didn't realize it would make my husband not trust me etc.
It was a really stupid thing to do on my part. But the main reason I hid it from him was because I was embarassed. I didn't want him to think little of me for watching something like that. I know that's not a good enough excuse.
The main thing though, you just need to talk to him about how it makes you feel. I can understand how it would deminish your self image. I can understand how it would make you feel self concious about yourself too. You need to tell Mr. Aubrie about it. About how you feel and what can be done to heal.
Never mind the fact that he had negative feelings about our relationship, didn't speak up, internalized, and took his anger and frustration out on me by looking up porn.
I understand how easy it is to have these feelings. I am a very closed off person. I only recently started opening up my feelings to my husband. I never spoke up to anyone, never told anyone my opinion or thoughts. I had a habit of internalizing everything.
You are right though, it is about respect. You need to respect each other's feelings. This is something that needs to be dealt with though. Not just forgot about and moved on from.
It is good to hear that you are learning to deal with the lack of communication in your relationship. It is always a good thing to learn. It is good that you have been able to identify what your underlying issues are as well. Hiding something because of his anger and frustration is not healthy at all and I am glad you know that.
I don't really know the point of what I am saying, I guess I just wanted to share some thoughts with you.
Take care Aubrie.
