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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blended happy family on Memorial Day weekend
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so it came out today that XH told DDs the night before their trip to what used to be our lake house, that sparkly panties and her daughter and her brother and his two kids and his fiancée were joining for a happy blended family Memorial Weekend too.

So, not only was I lied to as their mother about who my kids where with in what is still my house but also the kids were not given any chance to reject this trip being forced upon them; they were also encouraged not to share the information with me and were prevented from seeing or contacting their grandparents or their favorite uncle who are just a short drive away. Also, my DDs Sweet 16 birthday was planned during that weekend, with XH and girlfriend throwing the party and taking my daughter and her friends to the city for dinner and a night at a hotel. Not a word to me about these plans and DD was encouraged to lie about it so she was telling me this weird story about how dad was taking her and six girls to dinner on what happens to be my weekend to begin with. I don't think so. She was trying to tell me dad was sitting at a different table all by himself during dinner....

So tonight I have DD10 who just had to tell me everything and came home hyper and all weird like I have never seen her and DD15 who is a crying, overtired mess lashing out at me after being manipulated by XH and his GF for four days straight. When I tried to clarify the dinner plans for her birthday she tore me down in front of her friend like I have never seen her. Maybe my mistake, I should have just let it go...

This fucktard will always put everything else before his children. He is so shiny and bright on the outside and so dark and empty on the inside and he leaves me to deal with it. They are afraid of him bullying them so they go along with him and then they will fall apart with me. He jumps this shit on them and I get to sit with DD15 shaking and crying on the bathroom floor.

I am not looking forward to graduations, weddings etc. He destroyed all of that for us.

Off to the counselor tomorrow. It is so hard to see your children suffer like that.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((fraeuken & DD's))))

WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!

and

Ugh. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the fallout and hold your DD's together.

Extra hugs to DD's from me.

((((fraeuken & DD's))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow. I am so sorry fraeuken. Your XH is a horrible despicable person. I am sorry your DD lashed out at you. Please don't take it personally ... it sounds like she had a very conflicting, upsetting weekend. You are their soft loving place to land. Thank God they have you. Fuck him fuck him fuck him!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Oct 2012
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for you and your DD's. Your XH is as stupid and he is an ass.

He is so shiny and bright on the outside and so dark and empty on the inside and he leaves me to deal with it.

It sounds like we're in the same situation. Trying to always mend the broken. I finally understand it is up to me to keep my families' shit together. WW's run around and fuck it all up for the kids and leave you to pick up the pieces.

I swear, they must have rocks in their heads. But, think about it...These people are so character disordered. They blow up their family without remorse (usually). We surely can't expect them to be a place of safety and comfort for a hurting kid, can we? It is their fucked up thinking that got us here in the first place.

I'm so sorry fraeuken, and i'm sorry for your daughters.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 21 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. If you change the ages and some of the genders of the kids, you could be telling my story. Mine is pushing the happy blended family dynamic super hard. It's beyond ridiculous. Even my oldest DS (age 9) commented, "I feel like strangers are moving in with us." He's right-- the OW and her two kids basically are!

Mine will always put the OW before the kids as well. It's just getting started for me. I also get to look forward to this for years at every concert, formal ceremony, etc.

I'm sorry that your girls are suffering. Just remember that although you're doing all of the heavy lifting, you're showing them who the real parent is and whom they can count on. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. I am their steady, dependable rock. So are you.

(((fraeuken)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3546 | Registered: Oct 2011
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this scenario repeats itself over and over again with our WS.

I am wondering if they need to prove to themselves and the world that they were right in leaving BS and that they can create 'a new normal' out of nothing really. Our children become collateral damage in this sick game.

Here is little kicker from DD10:

She had observed that her dad was paying for everybody and everything during the weekend. She also observed that Sparkly Panties daughter was very spoiled and extra efforts had to be made to get what she wanted, such as a certain type of sugar she demanded (the kid is 5...)

So, when they went grocery shopping XH paid yet again. DD10 turned to Sparkly Panties and said: "Don't you think you should pay some stuff at least? You are a lot of people and buy all this extra stuff?"

Sparkly Panties responded:"I have already paid enough to come here and btw, I am always paying for your dad."

I have a feeling DD10, who is just a fearless creature and always speaks her mind, good and bad, will give Sparkly Panties a run for her money.


[This message edited by fraeuken at 1:43 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your DD10 and her assertiveness.

Posts: 187 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkly Panties daughter was very spoiled and extra efforts had to be made to get what she wanted, such as a certain type of sugar she demanded (the kid is 5...)

wtf???? My kids were lucky if I even bought sugar, if any one of them had the NERVE to complain about 'what type' of sugar I 'should' be buying - well no sugar for them!!!!

omg, I hope your kids can stay grounded. They really did get dropped in the middle of a shitstorm.....


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told she wanted brown sugar on her bread (???) instead of white sugar.

I don't even have words.

Also, the entire party plan now unfolded:

First there was supposed to be a pool party, cost shared by XH and me where I was supposed to be present to help with the 50 some kids invited. Then DD16 was supposed to go to city with some of her friends and her dad where sparkly panties would join them for dinner and a night at the hotel. DD16 was beating around the bush with regards to sparkly panties and her involvement at first but made very clear I was not to be part of the dinner.

I feel very sucker punched and am disappointed I have to say. I understand DD16 is under pressure but I would have hoped she would have stood up for me. I am trying to see this for what it is and not to take it personal. But I am having some moments of intense sadness today.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
stronggirl72
♀ Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((fraeuken and DDs)))

My heart breaks daily for my two children and the strong front they feel they have to put on when visiting STBX and 'her.'

The stable life I imagined for us when I decided to have my (sweet) children with him couldn't be farther from what we got. Sometimes I'm not sure whether to scream or cry, myself.

(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 7:15 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2012
LeapofFaith04
♀ New Member
Member # 39150
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Fraeuken & DD's)))

Thank you for posting about this. I guess it is preparing me for my future. Though the punch in the gut feeling won't be any less intense. DS told me today that Daddy took him to someone's house, but he couldn't tell me any more. When I asked why he couldn't tell me, he proceeded to cry and tell me that his stomach was hurting. Everytime I asked why, he repeated how much his stomach hurt and actually wanted me to carry him into the house.

Of course, my first thought was that WH intro'd him to the OW and told him not to tell.

Funny, but all this made me realize that I need to accept that this OW will be part of DS's life (since OW and WH will be getting married before the ink is dry on our divorce in 2014). It also brought to light the fact that since WH and I are not on pleasant speaking terms, DS may feel that he is not allowed to talk about what he does at WH's house with me. Guess, for my DS's sake, I have to suck it up. I really don't want to but guess I have to.

I called WH and told him we both needed to grow up. That as much as I in no way accept what he has done, I understand this POS is part of his life. But, IN NO WAY, should he introduce her to DS until I say it is ok. He actually said that he would not until I agreed. I told him not to expect it before the divorce, so don't even ask. Let's see if he sticks by that promise (not so good at sticking by any others).

Any one else come to this conclusion? That the best way to keep our sweet babies from dealing with anxiety, or ending up with other behavioral issues, is to just tell WS that we need to be better at informing each other about our plans and activities? If it is the better plan, how do you do it? How can we heal at the same time?

[This message edited by LeapofFaith04 at 7:41 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW - 35 (me)
WH - 36
DS - 4
Married - 2004 (together 11 1/2 years total)
D-day - 1/27/13

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2013 | From: leapoffaith04
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Family dynamics can be difficult under the best of circumstances, and D is rarely the best circumstance. Your kids need to feel safe to come to you with information--this is crucial. Sometimes (maybe often) this means NOT pushing them for information, not even asking how their time went with the X. It also means not using what they say 'against' them, as in not flying back to the X in anger about whatever happened (unless it's life-threatening or criminal.)

I know how hard this is; my DS was an adult when all of this happened and after years of having a great relationship with him where he could (eventually) tell me everything, I did some damage by pumping him for information (subtly, I thought ) and then attacking the X with the information. Ugh; hindsight is 20/20.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 5:51 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19815 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frauken you poor thing, what a total POS your ex is.

I am loving your DD10 right now, she sounds like she is strong and will tell him what for.

This thread has made me feel very sad as well as I am expecting a lot of this sort of stuff in the future.

Sorry you are left holding everything together for everyone. I can so relate.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 181 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Topic Posts: 13

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