Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tj6695 (44232)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Being married doesnt matter when it comes to infidelity?
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was bringing up my bad thoughts and concerns to my WH (who by the way never wants to talk about stuff so wasnt very responsive), and he mentioned that he had been thinking of things, and came to the conclusion that we are going to be alright and make it BECAUSE he thought of others who survived infidelity. He gave the example of a relative of mine, and I pointed out that that situation was in college and they were not married....and it took YEARS for them apart to once again find each other and marry. Our situatuon is different, and I stressed the fact that we were married when he cheated.

I know that cheating is harmful and painful and bad no matter what the relationship status, but when you marry someone you have made the vow to only be for one another...to commit in the most sacred and permanent of ways. My WH didnt think that mattered. So I am feeling like the vows of marriage arent important to him.

I believe he is also trying to play down the damage of his cheating...It feels like he doesnt think its that serious. ALSO the fact that he is just now thinking that we are going to be ok means that he was wondering if we were.

He says I talk about it too much, and he doesnt know if I will ever get over it. And I try to make him put himself in my shoes, but its not working.

I guess I just wantd to vent. Im thinking since he never likes talking about it I would send him an email telling him how I am feeling. I feel like I am pretending that everything is ok...and Im worried that its rug sweeping. Sometimes it is ok...I dont think about it and things are good...but I do think about the cheating and pain A LOT.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent more than 20 yrs with Mr. Bird before he cheated. 23 to be exact. No we weren't married. That doesn't mean the betrayal was any less or any more than what you are going through. During that time we raised my 2 children, bought a house and made what I thought was a life together.

Letting him know how you feel is important. You won't heal if it is swept under the rug. The elephant is in the room and putting a table cloth on it doesn't help. Are you in IC/MC?

edited for spelling

[This message edited by girlsbird at 7:55 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in IC, but we cant afford it...so its on hold. MY WH doesnt think MC will help us.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...when you marry someone you have made the vow to only be for one another...to commit in the most sacred and permanent of ways. My WH didnt think that mattered. So I am feeling like the vows of marriage arent important to him.

...the fact that he is just now thinking that we are going to be ok means that he was wondering if we were.

I don't know your situation, or you, and I certainly don't think I can 'tell you' anything about your situation. I just want to ask a question.

Based on the above quotes from your post - gently - is it possible that in your pain, you are 'looking' for things to worry about? I guess 'looking' is the wrong way to say it. Is it possible that you are taking the things he says and assigning meaning to them that may or may not be the actual meaning for him?

Just my humble opinion, but of course he trys to play down the damage of his cheating. Maybe you are right and he doesn't think it is that serious, but also, it could be that he may feel very badly about it and want to play it down for that reason.

And I don't think that his feeling about cheating even though you aren't married being the same as if you were married is NECESSARILY an indicator that his marriage vows aren't important to him.

I think it is possible that your logic in coming to these conclusions might POSSIBLY be faulty because of your pain. Trust me, I have done this way too much. Maybe that is why I felt the need to point out the possibility.

I think an email is a lovely idea. I would, if I might make a suggestion, read it after you write it, and be sure that the purpose in writing it is to share feelings, and help the two of you heal - not to attack him. (Not that he doesn't need to be attacked for what he has done!) But think about what is the purpose - the REAL purpose of the email. To help him understand what you are going through so you can heal? Or just as another chance to let him know how awful he has been. I say this because I have written emails like this, and they - obviously - didn't get the desired result.

Anyway, I wish you luck. Your feelings and worries are so understandable.

I pray everything works out for you.

HUGS

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:12 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe he is also trying to play down the damage of his cheating
I believe that also. It doesn't sound like he wants to deal with the fall-out from his decision. He can't sweep this under the rug and hope it goes away.

Being married or not really doesn't matter. It is the commitment level in the relationship that is important. If you both went into it expecting complete commitment and loyalty, then that is where the betrayal and pain comes from.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15095 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to you in so many ways. My WH also doesn't want me to talk about it anymore, says I'm stuck in the past, but I still think about it everyday.

My H does not believe in M. We got M because I asked him, and we didn't even have a wedding, we eloped.

He said he knows the cheating hurt me and it was wrong and that was why he hid it, but being M didn't have anything to do with it. It had more to do with the way we were treating each other before the cheating.

He also downplays the the damage of his cheating, and doesn't think it's that serious. He knows that he has hurt our entire family and he made mistakes and is trying to fix it, but I know he thinking whats the big deal, only a little fun, I was having a ruff time at home. Now everything is going to be ok.

I know for me the best thing is working on myself. To become a better person, to be stronger and more independent.

I don't have the answers to this way of thinking. I don't understand him. I think a committed relationship, M aside is sacred and unless it's an agreed upon open marriage, the SO should NOT cheat ever, regardless of whats going on in the relationship. It IS a big deal, and should be taken seriously.

I like the idea of sending him an email to tell him of your feelings. Since I found out I have been writing "Dear ________" letters, furiously typing as fast as I can think to tell him how I feel. Sometimes I give them to him and sometimes not. It does help me vent and make sense of things. I have to say though, when I do give them to him he is usually quiet and deep discussions usually don't follow, but sometimes they do and at least he knows how I feel.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe he is also trying to play down the damage of his cheating...It feels like he doesnt think its that serious.

Ya, uh huh. He'd think much differently if he thought you were being pleasured by another man. He'd go nuts.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.