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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wh wants to have dinner as family
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh texted my daughter(because she isn't speaking to him) to ask if she would be willing to go out as a faimly for dinner. She agreed, which makes me happy because I don't want my children to loose communication with their father. I have that nagging hopeful feeling that I hate because I don't want to be let down again. He told me he feels like he is getting his head together and yesterday he told me he loves me.

Well we will see where this all goes. No date set up for dinner yet, possibly saturday night.

Unsure of how to feel.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO I wouldn't go at this point. He hasn't done anything to merit being a part of your family. Until he gives up the OW completely and commits to his marriage, why should he get the benefits of your company? Anything short of "I was an idiot, please take me back and let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you" is just cakeeating. Don't let him do that.

Your daughter can go without you.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2008
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait . . . what?

1.) Did he ask you first? If not, how arrogant!

2.) Was he attempting to manipulate your daughter into going by labeling this "as a family?" Are you only a means to his end?

You are not responsible for his communication with his children.

He "feels like he is getting his head together?" Blah, blah, blah.

Is his proclamation of loving you the ILYBINILWY kind? Is it the ILY and OW kind? Or is it the ILY and only you kind?

If you go to this dinner you need to prepare yourself not to have an expectations as regards the two of you.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless I missed something, he is still with the OW...? I'd tell him, "sorry, I have a date Saturday night". (Okay, maybe I wouldn't, but boy I'd have loved to have been that snarky:)


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he isn't with OW he has had no contact since D-day. In the first few days after d-day he was not in contact with her but had said he didn't know if he was going to give her up. But he has continued no contact and is showing a lot of remorse. I did kick him out so we are not living together but are in a lot of contact. He actually is being very transparent and yes he did ask me first if it was alright to ask her about dinner. I am not saying I have forgiven him but I need to go for my daughters sake she doesn't want first contact with her father to be just the two of them, I don't have much expectation for the dinner , just want my daughter comfortable. Wh and I are doing ok in each others company. Oh and the I love you was just I love you not I love you but im not in love with you.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah my mistake *nudge* -- savvy get a profile up

I'd go then too, I'd probably be guarded, but I'd go for DD.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go, and give yourself a pep talk before you go about how you will react or respond if he starts to talk about things you dont wish to discuss. Maybe you could even set some ground rules with him before you all go.

I admire you for doing this for your daughter.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I also was under the impression that your WH was still in contact with the OW.

Well, then proceed as you feel best. Sorry for the mistake!


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2008
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to be sorry. I didn't state that in my post. I did finally write my story in my profile.

I will have to mentally prepare myself for this. I just wish we all had a crystal ball so we could see what was to come.

The agony of not knowing is terrible but I'm not ready to make any quick decisions

To all ,Wish I could take all of your pain away!

Thank you for replies its always nice to know people will listen


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savvy,

I would ask yourself if there is a motive. Is he trying to win you back without taking full responsibility for his actions?

This dinner may give you false hope and cause more hurt. Think carefully

Please don't do it unless you truly believe his motives are genuine

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:52 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savvy, I read your profile but it doesn't indicate HOW you know he's definitely gone NC with his OW.

Usually, an 8 month affair doesn't just come to a screeching halt with total NC on D-Day, just because the participants were caught and TOLD it had to end. They usually just bring it further underground. Having read so many stories here, it seems about 98% of the cheaters continue contact with their affair partner after D-Day.

Unfortunately, if you're basing your belief of NC on his email account no longer having any correspondence between the two of them, or if her number has suddenly disappeard from your cell phone bills, it's very possible they're still in contact. There's a good chance he's just created a secret web-based email (you can make a free Hotmail, GMail or Yahoo email account in about 2 minutes flat) and he's using that now. He might also be using a pay-as-you-go phone and keeping it hidden from you (or she's provided him with a cell phone she got through her cell phone's family plan).

I just don't want you to be devastated if you discover he's still in contact after believing so fervently that all contact has ceased.

Please guard your heart.

I think it's up to HIM to mend his fences with your daughter and it's rather cowardly to ask you to come to dinner with them, so you can be his 'buffer' zone.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
nordicbabe
♀ Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. Mine tried this crap and it's just another form of cake-eating. He wants the benefits of his family while still keeping the side piece. Let your daughter go but dont' bother yourself.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't do it unless you truly believe his motives are genuine

His motives may be that genuinely wants to see his daughter and knows the only way that is going to happen is if Savvy comes along.

That may be the only motive.

Savvy wants her daughter to have a relationship with her father, so I totally understand her helping to facilitate that. As to whether it is deceiving the daughter to call it a "family thing," only WH and Savvy can speak to that.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savvy,

I would not do it. My STBXH wanted a dinner a week after D-day. I went. And it was not fun all the stuff that he talked about. He really was in a dream world. Then he talked me to have Thanksgiving dinner with me & DS. He spent a lot of time in the bathroom (I had not found SI yet, now I know he was txting someone) My DS was furious and vowed never to do that again.

I think your kids are old enough to have a relationship with their father without you. And they are also old enough that you can gently explain that at this point you encourage them to work on their relationship with their dad, but you need to proceed with caution to protect your heart, and you won't be doing the family thing for now.

I also am concerned that your daughter is hoping that she can play matchmaker and get you two back together. If it doesn't work, she may be hurt or feel defeated.

I also wouldn't trust that the A hasn't gone underground.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 797 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savvy

If you do go, tread cautiously. Apply as much as the 180 as you can even if you are wanting to jump for joy that he is being caring, nice, etc.

Don't be too eager. Don't set yourself up for false hope or to get hurt again.

Just be cordial (for your daughter's sake) and as polite as you can but give him no signs of eagerness.

He is most likely missing what he had (which is good) but has not proven or shown he is truly remorseful and understands the magnitude of the level for which he hurt you.

(((gently)))
How do you know there has be NC since DDay? That is very unlikely if he is not living in your home.

He may be weighing his options at this point so please don't play into his hands.

He needs to make a decision not create an environment for himself where he can have the "best" of both worlds.

Protect yourself and your heart.

Hopeful hugs...


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1219 | Registered: Apr 2013
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you want to be a family again and I really really hope this all works out. Maybe this is an encouraging sign.

Just be careful.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8113 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to make a decision not create an environment for himself where he can have the "best" of both worlds.

Hm. This my big fear about this too. Be careful with your heart savvy try not to let him get away with using you as a 'friend' to make his choices easier with 'the family'. For your sake, I hope his motives are pure, but just be careful and go into this meal with your eyes wide open. ((hugs))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do it. I truly understand your desire to have the kids keep up a relationship with their father, but quite frankly, it is not your job to facilitate that. He made his choices and the fact that his daughter is angry about those choices and how it has impacted her family is a natural consequence that he must face by himself.

They are other ways for him to try to rebuild with her. For instance, he could schedule a family counseling session for him and her. He's a big boy and shouldn't have to try to use you as the go between. He also shouldn't use a "family dinner" as a way to gas light your daughter into thinking that none of this is as bad as it seems. You should never bash him to her and participate in the destruction of her relationship with him. At the same time, you are not required to play happy family to your own detriment.

I think if you go, it will cause you so much pain. It's one thing to try to be cordial for a few minutes for the sake of the kids. It's quite another to try to recreate a family outing when the family is now cracked in half. It likely will be uncomfortable and sad. If he's in a great mood and seems like himself, you will get hopes up. If he's an ass, you will be upset and sad.

I'm not trying to be a downer and the choice is entirely up to you. But, I want you to protect your heart at all costs. He's already stomped on it enough.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all the advice. I will tread very cautiously and I do believe his motives are pure that he just wants to reconnect with our daughter. I have a friend who talks with him and he is very upset over the wedge between them. As far as how I know that he is NC with Ow, well I haven't admitted this to anyone at all but I hired someone to watch him. I felt kind of ashamed of doing that its not really my nature but I had to be sure. I understand why everyone is telling me to becareful and I will but as far as getting my hopes up, their already up, and I don't want them to be because I don't really know which way we are headed, but I can't seem to stop them.

Hugs to you all thank you

[This message edited by savvy at 7:57 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as how I know that he is NC with Ow, well I haven't admitted this to anyone at all but I hired someone to watch him. I felt kind of ashamed of doing that its not really my nature but I had to be sure.

Oh Savvy, please don't feel ashamed of yourself - you've got nothing to be ashamed ABOUT. You *must* protect yourself and your heart any way you can - you simply can't trust your husband right now - he's done nothing to deserve your trust yet. You keep right on verifying and watching as much as you need to.

... and I know that your hopes are up - it's obvious in your post. That's why we are all here telling you to be as careful as you can - we just don't want to see you hurt more than you already are. No matter what happens, you keep coming here for support, we're all on your side, and we all have your back.

(((Savvy)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 20

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