SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I ransacked WH's closet yesterday trying to find a missing watch. Long story short, I did eventually find the watch... along with a couple tins of tobacco chew. Ugh. This is something he did decades ago in our old Army life... as a new girlfriend, I used to even pick up a tin for him now and then. As a wife, I told him it needed to stop. And it did. I knew he did it occasionally when old Army buddies came to visit, but never regularly in our last 16 years of marriage.

I confronted him about the chew and he admitted that he has done it "occasionally" over the last year. It's not like cigarettes - he doesn't smell, it doesn't impart second-hand smoke into MY lungs or the lungs of our children, it doesn't make our house smell, etc. But I hate it. And I hate that it's one more thing I didn't know about that has been a part of his life.

He seemed to feel truly awful, and part of me (the "bigger" part) wanted to shrug it off. He's a grown man. If he wants to chew on his own time, is it really something to get upset over if I don't ever know it?? He said he felt bad because it was "just one more thing," to which I replied, "well, hey... maybe you'll get cancer and die and I won't have to worry about your chewing OR your fidelity."

He looked like I'd physically punched him, and I'm stunned that I even said that. It's low and terrible, but it's really just the worst in a long string of "jabs" that I've been dealing in his direction. I can't stop myself... these horrible things come out of my mouth and I can't seem to get my filter back in place! I know I'm trying to hurt him because I'm still hurting, but sheesh... how can I reign it in?? I'm about to go sit on the timeout step myself!

[This message edited by ms521 at 6:11 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I have the same issue. Most times I will type out what I want to say and then decide whether to send or not.

I got a little nasty with my WH yesterday. I called his MOW names and associated him with her

This road is so not easy!

That is something I have a very hard time with right now. The resentment, the anger, the pain, it is so easy to throw insult after insult at them, I mean they are the cause of all of our pain!

The thing I am trying, but not too successful at is it is hurting ME to have so many negative emotions, but what are we supposed to do with them? I try writing, talking to my sister, coming here, but it just stews and stews until it erupts. Hopefully one day it will simmer down.

My WH has dipping (previously quit) then started smoking right after our youngest was born without me knowing, I didn't find out until 4 months later. I know exactly what you mean by hiding something and you feeling betrayed, even if it is little. I also know the being mean part. I consider myself a lady. My mouth turned dirty and I curse like a sailor at him now. While he was unremorseful and deployed and I actually wished him dead. I never spoke of it to him but I have now shared it with him. It was like I punched him when he heard it. Reality of what he did and how much I hurt finally started to sink in. Irony of it all, he told me he wished himself dead on that same deployment because of everything.

Thanks all. Glad to know I'm not the only one with filter problems at the moment. I just wish I knew how to reign it in. I mean, I'm an adult - I should be able to express my pain without attacking him. And as for wishing him dead? I don't at all -

But. I. am. still. so. SO. mad.!!! How long does this anger phase last? I keep getting hit with these awful realizations: like our youngest is about to turn 6, and given the timeline of their A, I realized that this will be the first birthday since our youngest turned 2 (TWO!!!) that WH hasn't been cheating. The realization that WH has sat next to OW2 on an airplane more over the last 3 years than he has with me over our entire marriage also kills me. WH chalks these trips up as meaningless - most of them were day-trips, and he assures me they weren't out sightseeing. But I'm jealous of the time. For me to accompany WH on a business trip means finding childcare coverage AND us footing the expense of travel. But OW2 has no kids and works for the same company - so she can just hop on a plane with WH and expense it! In other words, the company actually PAID for their affair!!

Anyway - I keep having these awful realizations and then telling WH about them. But instead of seeking comfort- it's like I'm seeking to hurt him and I know he's already hurting. He's really remorseful and really trying.

I don't want the A to turn me into some ugly bitter woman, but I feel it dragging me down.

I have also been riding my WH's case for the last few weeks and I can't stop myself. It just spews out of my mouth non-stop. I keep threatening him to get out of the house, he is still cheating, etc. Rather than arguing back he retreats so as to not prevent an escalation of the argument. I even screamed the other night I was so frustrated. This is not like me at all but after going through a shocked stage, crying stage and now I guess an anger stage I just don't know how to stop it. I know I could be creating an even bigger problem with our R b/c of my yelling, putting him down, etc. We had MC yesterday and we spent the better part of the hour discussing this. My H is just tired of getting yelled at by me. The MC explained that he needs to put himself in my shoes when responding but he can't do it when I am yelling b/c he wants nothing to do with me when I am like this. She told me that when I feel like I am going to start on one of my fits I need to walk away until I can calm myself down. I dont know how easy this will be but I think i will go run when I feel the urge to spew venom at him. Once I am calm then we are to discuss my concerns and he will then put himself in my shoes to try and understand what I am feeling. I know I want our marriage to work. I know he has stopped the EA and is doing what he can do to make it work. I dont want to make matters worse by being mean so I am going to use this approach. That was our homework assignment this week.

But. I. am. still. so. SO. mad.!!! How long does this anger phase last?

My anger phase was really in full swing in months 3-8 from dday. After that they tapered off as I healed..My H had alot to do with my healing so it wasn't as "easy" to be so angry.

Don't get me wrong though..we still have arguements but, I don't use the "trump card" (as my H calls it)of the A anymore..

What really bothered me about my anger is how I hurt him...I would feel so remorseful afterwards. I realized I needed to control myself. I felt like a monster and I didn't like that at all.

But I think the anger phase is necessary...it's just learning how to be angry without doing damage.