I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.
No, there's not.
My FWH had an EA. Were his "emotional needs" met at home? Nope. Why not? He wasn't looking to get them met there, and he was a wreck of a person inside who didn't know *how* to get his needs met in a healthy manner. Was it my responsibility to take that on? Nope.
I find that whole premise offensive and wholly unhelpful. It doesn't matter whether a cheater is having sex outside the marriage or looking for emotional closeness. BOTH are the result of a broken person doing broken things.
His brokenness is NOT your fault. You may not have been the perfect wife, but that does not give him permission to seek affection, physical or emotional, outside the marriage. Was he a perfect husband? Doesn't sound like it so does that make it okay for you to go outside the marriage? Next time he tries to blame you, hand that line back to him and watch him stumble over it.
No marriage is perfect. Ever. All of us struggle at times, but that never justifies someone going outside. If his "needs" weren't getting met (and I truly despise that phrase because it is abused so often), it was his job to turn to you and work through it with YOU. That's what adults in a marriage do.
He owns his choices. And I say that having lived in a hell of a marriage for over a decade. I didn't cheat because my vows meant something when I made them.
You mentioned that you are both Christian so I feel okay about saying this. We're told that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church. We are to submit to each other. When the day comes, we're held accountable for our choices. It's not very likely that a defense of "she made me do X because my needs weren't met" is going to heard with any favor.
I know it's hard, but don't own more than your share of this, and I'd be very careful about any conversation about the marriage stray into "well, as a wife you..." when you are talking about his affairs. The A is about him and his behavior. Save any talk about your part in the M until he has his head out of rear-end and can stop blameshifting. Because right now, that's all he's doing.
It's a reason to make you the bad guy so he can go on doing what he wants to do.Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces