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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Putting all of the blame on me?
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.

I'm sorry, but this is crap. This guy of getting_stronger's is a philanderer. This isn't about not getting his needs met at home b/c his wife was paying attention to something else. This is about a WS who has *****ALWAYS***** looked outside his M for emotional sustenance, and likely sexual on occasion too.

GS: do not take on this burden. You aren't describing an M where life got in the way and you each stopped paying attention to the other and grew apart. You are describing an M where your partner was NEVER fully committed to you. And I"m sorry for that. That was my scenario and it's a double betrayal. First you are betrayed by the cheating, and then you realize you are betrayed because your life/M is a complete lie and always has been.

Are there things you can do for yourself? Personal growth that you can achieve? Yes, there is. And that's what the 180 is for. To pull back and look at you and your role in YOUR life. Your WH? Nothing you say give me any indication that he's remorseful and wants his M. Don't stand for it. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass. Or maybe he won't. But b/c you are taking care of you, you'll be strong enough to deal with either eventuality.

[This message edited by cayc at 2:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3086 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a man on this forum I believe there's a double standard many times or a perception. If a woman is cheating it's brought very clear to the BS's attention that her needs arent being met at home. I was told this also by two therapists. But if a man cheats instantly he's a villain and was never committed to the marriage. Growing apart is not much different from emotional needs not being met. I'm sure both made their mistakes, GS's mistake was putting up with it time after time. Once and forgiven shame on them...twice...well shame on us. My WW went trolling because she was disconnected and wasn't telling me. If I knew and addressed my issues maybe things would not have happened. You can call her WS anything you want but he's not emotionally connected here. Hasn't been most likely for a long time based on his behavior. I applaude her efforts to try to stay in her marriage and I'm not defending him. Just that many of us need to look and accept our own relationship faults as well. It's a time to learn about ourselves and work on those things.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a woman is cheating it's brought very clear to the BS's attention that her needs arent being met at home. I was told this also by two therapists. But if a man cheats instantly he's a villain and was never committed to the marriage.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I disagree with you. You are making this out to be a male viewpoint versus a female viewpoint thing when it is not. There are people who have cheated/have the propensity to cheat, and then there are philanderers. Philanderers are different, cheat for different reasons, and being married to one is having a fake marriage. Male or female (although philandering, a girl in every port, is more common with men), philanderers never commit to an M the way you are thinking about.

If anything characterizes the selfish choice of cheaters, and how it's not the BS's fault, the BS's couldn't have sexed them, happied them, serviced them into faithfulness, it's the M with a philanderer because NOTHING you do will stop them from cheating. NOTHING. The only thing that stops them is if they get serious therapeutic treatment of the 12 step variety ... and even then it's a long shot. GS seems to think that some of the b.s. her WS is feeding her about her failures to pleasure him is one of the reasons for his behavior and it just isn't and it's not fair to her to tell her that men "have needs" and "want to be approached" and let her believe it that if she had but done that, then her WS would have been loving and faithful. I'm a little enraged that you would propose the belief that a BS *caused* a WS to cheat, and even more so that you'd encourage a BS married to a philanderer to think there is anything she can do to change his behavior.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3086 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT..I couldn't cook, clean, sex, or nice my WH back into the marriage..Whenever life was good and I thought I was meeting WH's needs something would come along to upset and rock the boat..WH had the tendency to blame me and the outside world for his problems and inability to cope with them in a healthy way..
He would forget to give me credit for doing my best to meet his ever changing needs..
Although it is essential to be able to voice ones needs and get them met by loved ones, there comes a responsibility to give the loved one credit and gratitude for listening and trying...... ...I see too many people, my WH included, that are immature, spoiled bottomless pits of need..
It is a crappy life to be on an endless treadmill of doing this or that to keep one's partner happy just so he or she won't cheat....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.

No, there's not.

My FWH had an EA. Were his "emotional needs" met at home? Nope. Why not? He wasn't looking to get them met there, and he was a wreck of a person inside who didn't know *how* to get his needs met in a healthy manner. Was it my responsibility to take that on? Nope.

I find that whole premise offensive and wholly unhelpful. It doesn't matter whether a cheater is having sex outside the marriage or looking for emotional closeness. BOTH are the result of a broken person doing broken things.

getting_stronger:

His brokenness is NOT your fault. You may not have been the perfect wife, but that does not give him permission to seek affection, physical or emotional, outside the marriage. Was he a perfect husband? Doesn't sound like it so does that make it okay for you to go outside the marriage? Next time he tries to blame you, hand that line back to him and watch him stumble over it.

No marriage is perfect. Ever. All of us struggle at times, but that never justifies someone going outside. If his "needs" weren't getting met (and I truly despise that phrase because it is abused so often), it was his job to turn to you and work through it with YOU. That's what adults in a marriage do.

He owns his choices. And I say that having lived in a hell of a marriage for over a decade. I didn't cheat because my vows meant something when I made them.

You mentioned that you are both Christian so I feel okay about saying this. We're told that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church. We are to submit to each other. When the day comes, we're held accountable for our choices. It's not very likely that a defense of "she made me do X because my needs weren't met" is going to heard with any favor.

I know it's hard, but don't own more than your share of this, and I'd be very careful about any conversation about the marriage stray into "well, as a wife you..." when you are talking about his affairs. The A is about him and his behavior. Save any talk about your part in the M until he has his head out of rear-end and can stop blameshifting. Because right now, that's all he's doing.

It's a reason to make you the bad guy so he can go on doing what he wants to do.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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