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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My thoughts on R.....
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that early on, reconciliation isn't a fact. It's an attempt and a process.

Triple - here's how I got through it: Reminding myself I'd be traumatized and in grief even if separated. In pain, either way. So that for the time being, until figuring out if he was trustworthy and if I could reconcile or if it was a deal-breaker, that the kids didn't need the stress of all of that back and forth between us.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, thanks to all for the sharing and support. Last night after MC Mr. Triple states his disappointment that our counselor is still focused on the A. After 5 weeks. No kidding. It made me realize he really doesn't "get it" and I need to throw myself head first into 180. I didn't see that before because I actually thought he saw that I could live without him - now I realize that's not the point. It may be the only way to get to R is to live apart for awhile, and really see what I want without worrying about him, and about us, and about the kids etc....maybe just need to focus on me. Is that selfish?


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe just need to focus on me. Is that selfish?

You need to stop that statement right there.

Is it selfish to make yourself healthy...

You need to learn, accept and live with the fact that making you as healthy as possible only helps everyone. It makes for a better you, a better mom and a great wife. (I am sure you are already great, lets use healthy)

You can make choices that will support you and your family from a place of peace and not fear.

If your husband doesn't get the fact that the A is now a part of your life and every day reality then he needs to. It will be there long after you decide to R. The last A issue we had was Thanksgiving last year, and it was minor. It isn't an issue anymore but it's been 5.5 years....so a long road.

Focus on you...if you decided to S/D and didn't, who do you have to rely on?

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most insightful things I gained from IC was, it's okay to plan day to day. It's okay to focus on each day as it comes. Couple reasons why it works out better for me personally when I do this:

One, it splits things up into more manageable pieces. If I am able to stop trying to endlessly predict my and my M's future, I have a clearer head and heart to get through today. And two, long-term planning in this mess is simply a waste of my energy and detracts from me healing me.

So, every morning when I wake up, I make the choice to "stay in and R". It may be that one day I wake up and the decision goes a different direction. But I know that regardless, I've made myself more centered, calmer, stronger, and I can get through anything that gets thrown at me, just because I've shifted my mindset to only deal with now, now.

I hope that makes sense.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just getting back on here since last week.

Thank you Karmahappens for posting this. Sometimes I read the post titles on the R thread and think, "this doesn't sound very R, nor does that, or that!" and immediately log off.

R takes time. It's excruciating to think of this at the very start. It's physically painful. We want things and we want them NOW as someone else wrote. It's true. But R cannot be rushed. The foundation needed to be solid. I made a decision to work on the marriage 7 weeks in. I gave myself until April to see if it was the right decision/see if I wanted to R. I did. Once I said it, I knew I had to work on me. He had to work on him and we had to work togtether.

I am learning so much about me since the A. I had an enlightening IC session on Sat. Gave me a few a-ha moments/made some notes when I got home.

I have to believe that no matter what happens, I am going to be okay.

Take care of yourself people.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma - thanks for posting this!! I am only 3.5 weeks into this process. WH is doing all the "right" things. (remorse, owning his shit, NC, apologies to my family, IC, MC, etc) I feel we are on the R path. But I am so not ready to call us "fixed" or me as "all in" at all! We have a lot of work to do. We both have a lot of healing to do. I have been honest with him each and every day that while I am choosing to stay today, I may very well change my mind tomorrow. I am taking care of me and watching where the chips fall. There are people in my life that don't understand that I can be standing in a place of "making it work" yet not be ready to commit to actually staying. Not sure if that makes any sense. Did I mention I am only 3.5 weeks into this process???

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with Karma. I tried the other route of making my H the first priority and it got me nothing but more heartache. Second time I looked him straight in the face and said it will be about me this time. I could care less about him at that point. I needed to be better know matter what happened.

Putting yourself first is not selfish. If you do not heal yourself you are no good for your marriage, kids, and everyone around you. If you have a remorseful spouse they will understand and thank you in the long run for taking care of yourself.

A healthy marriage is made up of 2 emotionally healthy people.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post. It helped me today. I really struggle with R because of the False R, multiple DDays, and broken NC my WH put me through

R is overwhelming, but I know separation and divorce would be overwhelming too. It really is awful pain. Just today I told WH that I just don't seem to be getting over it and that I'm trying, but I am just in so much pain every day. I don't want to think about this A anymore. I don't want to look at my WH as if I don't really know him. I feel like I have entered the Twilight Zone, but now in some alternate funky M that is tainted with two people who still love each other, but don't trust each other (especially me).

I don't know maybe I'm at that fork and not sure what to do. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have had to come back from 2 nervous breakdowns, I just don't know if this is all worth it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((crazyblindsided))))

I am so sorry.

You may decide he isn't worth the extra effort and pain, but please remember you are.

Take care of you and your health please.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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