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User Topic: Affairs are just Kinda Sick, Dontcha think?
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. i choose the name Agony when i signed up without thinking twice and it fits well, although i wish now i had chosen another more self-empowering username.

well i've pretty much been in near constant agony, or at least pain or anxiety, or depression, but mostly major huge anxiety since Dday. But today I was sort of overcome by how SICK the whole cheating, sneaking around, lying, all of it behind other's back is. I mean the meetings in parking lots, driving into garages so no one sees; the whole thing, it's just criminal and SICK! Putting loved one's hearts on a skewer to be delivered to them on some unknown Dday; it's just Sick! The whole thing is just so sick that now i'm just feeling not rejection, not poor self-esteem, not horror or disbelief or how could he.. not any of those horrible thing; what i'm feeling is Repulsion! I'm grossed out by him and by her and by any sick, twisted emotionally deficient person who behaves in this way and puts supposedly loved ones in such harm's way without truly realizing the devastation! Today I don't feel like a victim; i feel like a wronged party to a Sickness. And I can breathe again. And now i'm also beginning to understand in my heart how Sick the WS's feel when they really Do come out of the Fog and come face to face with their own Sickness. And how resistant they are to feeling this, because it makes them feel Sick!

Gosh I hope this makes sense to someone.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are heard and understood. I, too, went through a period of time where I was completely and utterly GROSSED OUT by the whole situation.

I agree a truly remorsful WS would (and should imo) feel sick for what they did.

Hang in there.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To good people, who would never entertain the idea of cheating, it is truly DISGUSTING behavior. Seriously, if you NEED to cheat and lie, you should not be married, get out and be honest with your spouse before you do something so devastatingly cruel. How would you like it done to you? Nobody deserves it, there is no excuse.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 608 | Registered: Mar 2003
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But today I was sort of overcome by how SICK the whole cheating, sneaking around, lying, all of it behind other's back is. I mean the meetings in parking lots, driving into garages so no one sees; the whole thing, it's just criminal and SICK!

Gosh I hope this makes sense to someone.

Makes perfect sense to me. You have to be sick in your soul to abuse the trust and love of someone you've pledged your life to like that. If mystery and excitement is what you want in life, read a good book or take up skydiving. Buy a sports car. But betray your spouse and turn your back on your vows? Sick.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to be sick in your soul to abuse the trust and love of someone you've pledged your life to like that.
Well said Sal.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I totally agree.

It is the sickest, most cruel thing someone can do.

I don't understand, at all. My WH wants to now, after a year and all our work, sweep it under a rug and forget.

Forget the most horrifying thing he could ever do. A year of work in MC. Now, when I bring it up - it's horrible. Fuck him and fuck her too.

Sorry, I'm having a bad day.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I as said many times, even if the betrayed spouse NEVER found out the Wayward know what they are doing, or have done. How can they lay their head on the pillow knowing they have broken their vow and commitment .
I "shake my head in disgust" over that thought.

So yes very sick!


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% with you. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around processing it. And that if I stay, I'm forever married to a man who was capable of going to those lengths to support an affair. Mind numbing....


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
notsosureanymore
♂ Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah affairs are sick not just kinda just plain sick! I felt that betrayal before and i am feeling it now as my wife has left the home to be sick in her own her own head. She is actively trying to ensnare any willing man to her folly. The one that put her on the couch and the following week out of the house decide to reconcile with his wife by his own confession. I was with the other women after she had left the home each time over 18 yrs I never once was sneaking around on her. She was done and was left alone. Fooling around is sick sneaking behind someone back is unpardonable to me now. I still love her and care for her but can I ever come back to trust her. NO. Never. So why should we go it again? Now I know this and she must know it too. I just got the Mumford cd on there is a song "sIgh no more" love will not betray, Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does the father of my children,my spouse for 23 years, look me in the eye & say " I have not had any contact with her", when I had followed them that very same day @ lunchtime & saw them having lunch together alone.
I don't get it.

There is nothing that can justify that. I don't care how crabby I was, how golden her genitals were.

Putting loved one's hearts on a skewer to be delivered to them on some unknown Dday; it's just Sick!

You have to be sick in your soul to abuse the trust and love of someone you've pledged your life to like that.

Yep


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But today I was sort of overcome by how SICK the whole cheating, sneaking around, lying, all of it behind other's back is. I mean the meetings in parking lots, driving into garages so no one sees; the whole thing, it's just criminal and SICK!

Today I don't feel like a victim; i feel like a wronged party to a Sickness. And I can breathe again.

Oh yes. Now you are really getting it and seeing it for what it is.

And now i'm also beginning to understand in my heart how Sick the WS's feel when they really Do come out of the Fog and come face to face with their own Sickness. And how resistant they are to feeling this, because it makes them feel Sick!


Oh yes. If he ever really DOES get it, he may find that 'Very Special Coffee Ice Cream' may leave a 'Very Nasty Aftertaste' - one that lingers too.



...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you dissect the pathology of most affairs they are sick. It amazes me at how many people simply risk everything on lies and fantasy. From a logical perspective I simply cant fathom how some WS fall into the A trap. But they do by the millions. And to be honest I don't want to understand. I have an old crush of mine from my teenage years. She was the perfect woman. Educated, pretty, sweet, kind etc. She even waited till she was in her thirties to get M. Her H just up and left her for some old GF. And he is being such a dick towards her and their kids. Here is a woman who had her choice of mates and from all prior accounts she and her H were happy. Till the dreaded A bug bit him in the ass. I don't get it and probably never will. And that's a good thing I think.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very slowly transitioning from the 'I'll do anything to reconcile' to the 'I can't believe you had this ability within you, what you have done is sick, how could I ever get past this?' phase.

In some ways, the continued sick behaviour of the WW permits me to detach as much as I can, and although difficult, it is better than her being all nice and apologetic.

Sick is a good word


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Jada52
♀ Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To good people, who would never entertain the idea of cheating, it is truly DISGUSTING behavior. Seriously, if you NEED to cheat and lie, you should not be married, get out and be honest with your spouse before you do something so devastatingly cruel. How would you like it done to you? Nobody deserves it, there is no excuse.

I totally agree. I had always told him if he wanted someone else to leave me first. I think I was a safety net in case it did not work out with the OW. He knew I would be here in case she was not as serious about a future as he is. She is and they are. I would never have done anything like this to hurt him. I do admit I can be a bitch and maybe I made him feel unloved/neglected as he said, but it is not all my fault he turned away. He made the choice to text her, call her and go see her and on the other hand she knew good and well he was married. They both have been cheated on and dang well know how bad they have shattered my heart and tore my world apart.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Both of my WH's were cheated on by their first wives, so you would think they would have known the hurt that went along with it. WH#2 and I had many conversations about cheating before we ever got married. We swore that we would go to MC or get a divorce before either of us cheated on the other. I guess he must have lost that memo when he had his 3yr LTA. I am also getting to the point that it just makes me sick to even think about what all they did behind my back and the lies I was told to cover up the A. I guess the worst part is he didn't even love her, just used her for meaningless sex and his ego kibbles and never had any intention of stopping. Never a thought as to what it would do to our marriage when I found out. No guilt that I was cooking his meals, keeping his house clean, washing his nasty socks and underwear, getting up early to make his lunch, and working a full time job. Guess I wasn't spontaneous and exciting enough anymore to keep his ego stoked. He wanted the new love feeling again because we lost it according to him. He just wants the make believe fantasy love, not the I love you by being there for you love that comes with marriage. It is really sick that some people think that is real love. No!! It's that boil on your ass looks painful, do you need me to pop it kind of love. Sorry about that .Sometimes I ramble if you haven't noticed. I call it the A brain at it's best.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Agony, you,are spot on. Every single word.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It not only is sick. It's selfish, self serving and immoral.

Sick and twisted and it is unfathomable to me HOW anyone can justify their behavior.

So many innocent people are hurt.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told POS before we were ever married that it was the one thing I would never tolerate and if he ever thought about cheating to have the decency to leave the M first. Of course he promised he would never cheat on me. After almost 30 years together and finding out he started cheating three years into the M made me sick. I have had discussions with my kids to use this as a learning experience to never cheat on anyone, to leave the relationship first because there is never any excuse for it. NO ONE deserves to be subjected to this or the mind games that come with it.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1180 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Changed72
♂ Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally sick!
If I stop and think about the whole A, I get sick to my stomach and sick in my head.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone,

I am a college professor--been one for twenty years. This is a profession that is absolutely notorious for affairs between starstruck romantic students and opportunistic professors.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel. I have seen countless married colleagues (all male, but whatever) over the years hook up with their attractive young students. Mostly for short term affairs, but a few for longer.

Since I began teaching when I was twenty-five years old, I have had countless female students nearly blatantly--as well as blatantly--throw themselves at me. I never took advantage. Never. Even before I was married, it seemed at best a stupid thing to do career wise, and at worst highly unethical, sleazy, and predatory.

When I got married, it continued. At least once a semester at least one student has made it clear she has a crush on me. Again, it would be so easy. But never once did it seriously cross my mind to do that to my wife and family. It can be flattering and even amusing--especially when they are half my age trying to behave like some femme fatale.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted here and there--though "only physically." But so what? Just because I am hungry I am not going to,devour poison. What stopped me was an immediate reflex: this would hurt my wife and my children. Therefore I won't do it. I did not have to ponder it for more than a split second.

It was not and is not complex. You don't do it. You just don't, like other "rules" in life. Does that make me "normal," and therefore our cheating spouses sick? I don't know. But I do know, again, that I never had to think about it. I just would never have done it. It is a matter of love, trust and respect.

The best word I always see on this site is not "sick," but "broken." That is not to say these spouses are evil or beyond repair or mentally ill; but to do this, and repeatedly, to the people who love them and whom they profess to love? It is beyond me and something I am finally am tired of trying to figure out.

What will forever be burned into my memory, along with a litany of excruciating memories, is me looking into my wife's eyes--mine pouring tears--and saying, "What you are doing is hurting me. Please stop hurting me." She never did. So now it is up to me to stop the hurt.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
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