Instantly OW was gone from our lives!
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.
But what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek. And Ghandi, who advised a man that he would stop fasting for him only if he embraced his daughter's killer? And remember a few years back; some psycho killed children in an Amish community, and they forgave him?
Obviously I am not one of these people, but shouldn't these be the standards upon which i base my morality and behavior. Ideals to strive for.
Because really, when i get right down to it, i care less about him. i can walk away from telling him. But truth is, and it's not easy to admit, that what i have the hardest time walking away from is hurting her back. But do 2 wrongs make a right? And why should i need to be right?
What a Conundrum indeed! And really with as much energy as Affairs for Dummies takes, isn't it just foolish, emotionally ridiculous, to spend precious priceless energy on thinking about this. I should just let it go and take care of my own life. If i were a Christian, I would say it was up to God to judge.
This is not a turn the other cheek moment.
Is it fun? Hell no, but it is necessary. and absolutely the right thing to do.
How do you feel knowing so many knew for so long and didn't give you a heads up?
I know I feel betrayed by more than my husband, that no one told me that I was going to live a three way for four years I didn't know about.
[This message edited by fourever at 9:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)]
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Ignorance is not bliss.
I'm with wert. Outing the A is not revenge. It's not revenge even if you feel vengeful. Outing the A increases the truth in the world and gives OBS an opportunity to make his own choices in a more educated way.
This is not a conundrum at all. As long as ow lies to her H, she's not repentant, and forgiveness requires repentance.
Help her stop lying - tell OBS.
Gently, I have some difficulty with your posting in this thread.
It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here?
what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek
Forgiveness is great, but so is integrity. What do you want to live by? Personally, one lacks integrity, imo, if they want something or even expects something that they aren't willing to give to another human being. Sounds rather selfish to me. But, that is just my opinion.
eta: I do, however, believe there are a few circumstances when it isn't the wise choice to disclose the affair. Those circumstances are rare and few, but are the exception and by far not the rule. imo
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:56 AM, May 31st (Friday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here??"
So sorry if I've offended you. I am honestly in painful conflict about this. I don't know what "purpose" you might be reading into my post; my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!
It's a heavy burden to bear. The consequences are grave. And I'm emotionally HOT. If I should be posting in a different thread, please advise. My mind is not working too well.
You know what Jesus was all about, too? The truth. Always the truth. It is what got him crucified. If you are going to bring in Jesus, you got to bring it all in.
YEAH!! What Sister said!
On SI there is a strong following that feel that you absolutely have to tell, there are many others on SI that feel otherwise so you are not going to get a universal answer to your question that you are trying to decide on. This is a topic that is frequently debated on here.
(((TAOI))) Take care of yourself. You don't have to tell him this minute. Get in a better place, get your emotions in check, then tell if that is what you decide.
This I feel is the best advise, take a few days, take a week or two. You have a lot that you are likely going through and this does not need to be your number one priorty - you need to put yourself number one. Yes, you will at some point need to decide what you want to do but it does not have to be this exact minute.
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.
Background/details, if you like. OM #1 said he was discovered, but I know he was still logging onto AM weeks later--and we'll collect proof of that before contacting her. Should we include that initially, or wait until/if OBS requests it? We have no idea if she truly knows.
Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.
Edited to remove information which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!
OK. Thanks. Is it conflict or fear?
IMO conflict means thinking is the best way to a solution. Things that may help you decide include:
1) The vast majority of people don't get violent when they hear nasty news, although they may get angry.
2) Maybe the best approach is to do what you would want if you were the OBS.
If it's fear, feeling is probably the key to a solution. Just be aware that you're not alone - outing an A is probably scary to everyone except those who out the A while enraged. And be aware that you can do difficult things even while you're afraid.
All other things being equal, informing the OBS is a good service to perform, but you're free to choose what you do - in the end, you have to find your own path to recovery.
Then tell them you will give them what info you have if they want it. Leave it at that. They will, or they won't. But, you should do it, not your wh. And personally, I would not tell him until after it's done, just in case.
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me?
Sucks all the way around. My two cent is the BS should tell, but at the end of the day it should happen either way.
My "informing" sorry is quiet sad. I attempted to contact OM's S via phone and email. OM intercepted. They called me back together. He had her so brainwashed (or IMO she has little soul -trophy W who is dependent on his money) that she actually said to me "I have known my husband for 30 years and I can tell you 'wert' when he says something you can believe him." I told her I felt really sorry for her and wished her well. He had cheated on her before. Very frustrating when people are not interested in the truth itself.
I report this story because you don't know what the impact of telling will be. Truth is truth. Get the word out. Maybe their M will turn out to be 'Betta than Evar!'