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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Telling the other BS: regrets anyone?
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No regrets. Not for a moment.

Instantly OW was gone from our lives!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.

Bingo. You aren't bringing devastation to this man, his wife has already done it. You are just making him aware so that he can know what the reality of his life is, which is actually the best thing you can do for him.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank you and welcome all comments!

But what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek. And Ghandi, who advised a man that he would stop fasting for him only if he embraced his daughter's killer? And remember a few years back; some psycho killed children in an Amish community, and they forgave him?

Obviously I am not one of these people, but shouldn't these be the standards upon which i base my morality and behavior. Ideals to strive for.

Because really, when i get right down to it, i care less about him. i can walk away from telling him. But truth is, and it's not easy to admit, that what i have the hardest time walking away from is hurting her back. But do 2 wrongs make a right? And why should i need to be right?

What a Conundrum indeed! And really with as much energy as Affairs for Dummies takes, isn't it just foolish, emotionally ridiculous, to spend precious priceless energy on thinking about this. I should just let it go and take care of my own life. If i were a Christian, I would say it was up to God to judge.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Its not about hurting people or right and wrong. Its is about the underlying truth that people deserve to know the truth about their lives.

take care..



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you walk away without telling obs, you are hurting him more.

This is not a turn the other cheek moment.

Is it fun? Hell no, but it is necessary. and absolutely the right thing to do.

How do you feel knowing so many knew for so long and didn't give you a heads up?
I know I feel betrayed by more than my husband, that no one told me that I was going to live a three way for four years I didn't know about.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adding: Sounds like maybe attorney has been down this road him/her self?
"Snapping" obs is from wandering spouse handbook, under chapter: Saving yourself,in case you want to take your affair underground.

Ignorance is not bliss.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really regret not telling. OW divorced her husband to be with my husband. I have no idea what reason she gave for divorcing him after over 20 years of marriage. I'd still like to tell him but it's been nearly three years and I don't want to stir the pot for us.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1498 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OBH knew about 10 days before I did. I'm still angry at him for not telling me.

I'm with wert. Outing the A is not revenge. It's not revenge even if you feel vengeful. Outing the A increases the truth in the world and gives OBS an opportunity to make his own choices in a more educated way.

This is not a conundrum at all. As long as ow lies to her H, she's not repentant, and forgiveness requires repentance.

Help her stop lying - tell OBS.

*************************

Gently, I have some difficulty with your posting in this thread.

It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek
You know what Jesus was all about, too? The truth. Always the truth. It is what got him crucified. If you are going to bring in Jesus, you got to bring it all in.

Forgiveness is great, but so is integrity. What do you want to live by? Personally, one lacks integrity, imo, if they want something or even expects something that they aren't willing to give to another human being. Sounds rather selfish to me. But, that is just my opinion.

eta: I do, however, believe there are a few circumstances when it isn't the wise choice to disclose the affair. Those circumstances are rare and few, but are the exception and by far not the rule. imo

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:56 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everybody. and to sisoon.. you said "Gently, I have some difficulty with your posting in this thread.

It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here??"

So sorry if I've offended you. I am honestly in painful conflict about this. I don't know what "purpose" you might be reading into my post; my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!

It's a heavy burden to bear. The consequences are grave. And I'm emotionally HOT. If I should be posting in a different thread, please advise. My mind is not working too well.

Best wishes.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what Jesus was all about, too? The truth. Always the truth. It is what got him crucified. If you are going to bring in Jesus, you got to bring it all in.

YEAH!! What Sister said!

Amen!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TAOI))) Take care of yourself. You don't have to tell him this minute. Get in a better place, get your emotions in check, then tell if that is what you decide.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheAgonyOfit - I have not told the other BS and I do not have any regrets for not telling. Everyone's situation is different so there really is not a right or wrong answer to this question - you have to evaluate your own situation to find what is best.

On SI there is a strong following that feel that you absolutely have to tell, there are many others on SI that feel otherwise so you are not going to get a universal answer to your question that you are trying to decide on. This is a topic that is frequently debated on here.

(((TAOI))) Take care of yourself. You don't have to tell him this minute. Get in a better place, get your emotions in check, then tell if that is what you decide.

This I feel is the best advise, take a few days, take a week or two. You have a lot that you are likely going through and this does not need to be your number one priorty - you need to put yourself number one. Yes, you will at some point need to decide what you want to do but it does not have to be this exact minute.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are about to inform OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.

Background/details, if you like. OM #1 said he was discovered, but I know he was still logging onto AM weeks later--and we'll collect proof of that before contacting her. Should we include that initially, or wait until/if OBS requests it? We have no idea if she truly knows.

Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.

Edited to remove information which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j 20Wrongs ~ it would be best for you to start your own thread and ask your questions, that way you will get way more answers to your specific situation. I will give you a short answer and say that most BS's do not want to hear anything from the AP. It would be best if your BH did the contacting, and he shouldn't apologize for you either. It means shit and even less so coming from a fellow betrayed spouse. end t/j


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!

OK. Thanks. Is it conflict or fear?

IMO conflict means thinking is the best way to a solution. Things that may help you decide include:

1) The vast majority of people don't get violent when they hear nasty news, although they may get angry.
2) Maybe the best approach is to do what you would want if you were the OBS.

If it's fear, feeling is probably the key to a solution. Just be aware that you're not alone - outing an A is probably scary to everyone except those who out the A while enraged. And be aware that you can do difficult things even while you're afraid.

All other things being equal, informing the OBS is a good service to perform, but you're free to choose what you do - in the end, you have to find your own path to recovery.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20, what are you apologizing for? Unless to say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but….:

Then tell them you will give them what info you have if they want it. Leave it at that. They will, or they won't. But, you should do it, not your wh. And personally, I would not tell him until after it's done, just in case.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1 - I know I wouldn't want to see my WW's OM1 coming to talk to me in any way. I want nothing to do with him. I don't think there is anything he could possibly say or do to make me feel otherwise.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fourever ~ 20Wrongs is the wayward.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me?

Sucks all the way around. My two cent is the BS should tell, but at the end of the day it should happen either way.

My "informing" sorry is quiet sad. I attempted to contact OM's S via phone and email. OM intercepted. They called me back together. He had her so brainwashed (or IMO she has little soul -trophy W who is dependent on his money) that she actually said to me "I have known my husband for 30 years and I can tell you 'wert' when he says something you can believe him." I told her I felt really sorry for her and wished her well. He had cheated on her before. Very frustrating when people are not interested in the truth itself.

I report this story because you don't know what the impact of telling will be. Truth is truth. Get the word out. Maybe their M will turn out to be 'Betta than Evar!'

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 52
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