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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Telling the other BS: regrets anyone?
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I regret NOT telling the BW.

I was told the BW was mentally ill. It may have been one of the many lies OM told, it may have been true. I wish I knew how to find out. OM and BW divorced a few years after DDay; I can only assume she found out.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell the OBS. H only had one married AP...as far as I know.

I have my own reasons that I have listed before and usually I am still told that I am wrong for not exposing. I did what was right for MY family.

I have no regret in not telling the OBS.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None at all. MOW got kicked out immediately after I told him. Still didn't keep her and my WH from breaking NC though


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am grappling with this right now. I want to tell the OMs fiancÚ, but have not after 4 months. Partly because I wonder if it would do any good, and to be honest, my wife's former AP is a roided up uncontrollable macho man bodybuilder that would probably beat the crap out of me.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @Nailinmyforehead ~ yours is one of those circumstances where there is a known real risk. Not a what if. I would recommend you don't tell the betrayed fiancee. Yours and your family's safety should come first.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW's BS left a message on our answering machine very early on in the affair. Being clueless and totally trusting of my H, I ignored it. I told my H to stay away from the OW 'cuz I didn't trust her and I told him to get escorted to and from his car at work 'cuz I thought the OW's crazy H would hurt him.

Boy, was I dumb!!!

Fast forward a few months later after my H turned into a complete jerk and after the physical affair started, I got another call from the OW's H.

I was no dummy at this point. I actually called the OW and found out the worst. Later that night I talked to the OW's H and THANKED HIM. If only I had listened to him earlier. I will forever be grateful to him for trying to reach out to me. For trying to save his family.

If I was in your position, I would reach out to the BS. It's no fun being the last to know. I think it makes NC easier, too. After I found out, NC happened immediately.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everyone so much. each of every one of you! i think my biggest fears are truly bringing pain and suffering to someone who would otherwise likely never have to face such agony, and the morally ambiguous nature of doing that. I know many of you come down very hard on one side, and i get that. My sense is that OW's affair with my WS was a one-off LTA, that she's truly horrified at herself in many ways, and that she's done everything to cover her tracks. So he can probably live in peace, no matter the state of his marriage.

I have tons of proof with emails, pictures, naked videos and naked pictures so i'm not worried about proof. I'm worried about ripples in the pond: I quote (and i don't mean to imply this is a "small" event), but understand the ripple:"Just like the pebble tossed in a pond, a seemingly small event can have catastrophic consequences. The small ripple created when the pebble hits the water can be a wave by the time it reaches the opposite shore."

Thank you again and i'm sorry to anyone who i've angered in my ongoing conflict. I am truly trying to do the right thing and the issue is complex, at least to me.

Best wishes and thanks to all.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Umm...what is a 'one off LTA'? LTA means 'long term affair', right? Doesn't that imply many multiples of betraying acts? How is that 'one off'?

By not outing the A, you're extending and intensifying the agony that the OBS will feel if he ever learns of this A - which he probably will.

I know this isn't easy - but in holding this in, you're probably doing disservices to OBS, to ow, to your ws, and to yourself. Just sayin'....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sisoon post above.

I think you should tell. You might think you're saving him from the pain but that's just temporary.

There is no consequence for the OW. What's to stop her from reaching out to your WH in the future? What's to stop her from finding another woman's H and doing this again?
How do you think OBS will feel if he finds out a year from now and then finds out you knew?
By not telling him, I feel that you indeed have become part of the lies and betrayal.
I know I would be extremely angry at anyone that knew of my H's affair if they didn't tell me.
The OBS has a right to know. It's his life. He has a right to know what's going on in it.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her BS knew about this affair from BEFORE they were married and during the entirety of their twelve year marriage. He knew who my WH is; his name; where he works; what he does. He knew EVERYTHING and yet he NEVER, not once did anything about it to try and end it. All he did, after I found out and six weeks later after SHE wouldn't stop contact with my WH, when I contacted him - with the collusion of my WH - was to say how hurt HE had been during the affair.

I wish that this man had had the balls to let me know at the beginning and it would never have gone on for so long. I deserved to be told. I don't know what kind of hold this woman had over her husband. She used to threaten suicide. I guess that's the hold that she had over him - plus the fact that she would take 'their' children away if he outed the affair. They are both probably the result of the affair and are my WH's with her...

So I agree with many others here: BS's should be told. We should never be left like this, in ignorance.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called the MOW's BH as soon as I found out about the LTA.

It turned out that he already knew about the affair.

And worse yet- he had known about it for over 2 yrs!

I so wish he had told me when he first found out. It would have ended the affair two years sooner and saved me so much additional pain.

I do not regret contacting the BH at all.
He was actually a very nice guy.
We spoke a few times on the phone and even met up once in person so that he could give me copies of graphic emails he had as proof ( I requested the emails).

He was misguided in his reasons for not contacting me and telling me about the affair.

It's not about trying to hurt the other BS it's about truth.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everyone. omg i so hear all of you! And to quote just one: "I know I would be extremely angry at anyone that knew of my H's affair if they didn't tell me." I hear you Loud and Clear. I hope that I can help him but i have to be clear about my motivations, not set myself up for regrets and ultimately protect myself first in my very fragile state. I have been cycling though post-affair stuff intensely and the roller coaster is moving faster and faster; i can barely keep up. I am nearly certain that my WS is or has some NPD personality traits and this is making my dance with him frightening and complex. I am shaking. I am not fearful of my physical safety but I am tortured by uncertainty and likely codependency. etc. I hope everyone is managing okay today. Sending Hugs to everyone, so sorry for all your pain.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 52
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