I was told the BW was mentally ill. It may have been one of the many lies OM told, it may have been true. I wish I knew how to find out. OM and BW divorced a few years after DDay; I can only assume she found out.
I have my own reasons that I have listed before and usually I am still told that I am wrong for not exposing. I did what was right for MY family.
I have no regret in not telling the OBS.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Boy, was I dumb!!!
Fast forward a few months later after my H turned into a complete jerk and after the physical affair started, I got another call from the OW's H.
I was no dummy at this point. I actually called the OW and found out the worst. Later that night I talked to the OW's H and THANKED HIM. If only I had listened to him earlier. I will forever be grateful to him for trying to reach out to me. For trying to save his family.
If I was in your position, I would reach out to the BS. It's no fun being the last to know. I think it makes NC easier, too. After I found out, NC happened immediately.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
I have tons of proof with emails, pictures, naked videos and naked pictures so i'm not worried about proof. I'm worried about ripples in the pond: I quote (and i don't mean to imply this is a "small" event), but understand the ripple:"Just like the pebble tossed in a pond, a seemingly small event can have catastrophic consequences. The small ripple created when the pebble hits the water can be a wave by the time it reaches the opposite shore."
Thank you again and i'm sorry to anyone who i've angered in my ongoing conflict. I am truly trying to do the right thing and the issue is complex, at least to me.
Best wishes and thanks to all.
By not outing the A, you're extending and intensifying the agony that the OBS will feel if he ever learns of this A - which he probably will.
I know this isn't easy - but in holding this in, you're probably doing disservices to OBS, to ow, to your ws, and to yourself. Just sayin'....
I think you should tell. You might think you're saving him from the pain but that's just temporary.
There is no consequence for the OW. What's to stop her from reaching out to your WH in the future? What's to stop her from finding another woman's H and doing this again?
How do you think OBS will feel if he finds out a year from now and then finds out you knew?
By not telling him, I feel that you indeed have become part of the lies and betrayal.
I know I would be extremely angry at anyone that knew of my H's affair if they didn't tell me.
The OBS has a right to know. It's his life. He has a right to know what's going on in it.
I wish that this man had had the balls to let me know at the beginning and it would never have gone on for so long. I deserved to be told. I don't know what kind of hold this woman had over her husband. She used to threaten suicide. I guess that's the hold that she had over him - plus the fact that she would take 'their' children away if he outed the affair. They are both probably the result of the affair and are my WH's with her...
So I agree with many others here: BS's should be told. We should never be left like this, in ignorance.
It turned out that he already knew about the affair.
And worse yet- he had known about it for over 2 yrs!
I so wish he had told me when he first found out. It would have ended the affair two years sooner and saved me so much additional pain.
I do not regret contacting the BH at all.
He was actually a very nice guy.
We spoke a few times on the phone and even met up once in person so that he could give me copies of graphic emails he had as proof ( I requested the emails).
He was misguided in his reasons for not contacting me and telling me about the affair.
It's not about trying to hurt the other BS it's about truth.