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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wanting to wait to meet in person....is that bad?
She11ybeanz
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Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...so I've been dabbling in the OLD scene recently...and I've noticed that the guys that have contacted me thus far have been somewhat pushy about wanting to meet like NOW...with very little communication. I do not feel comfortable with that at all and now I'm just downright ignoring one guy because he was getting nosy about "where exactly" I lived in our hometown and is now asking if I go to a certain gym.... cause I said that I would probably be going to the gym over the weekend.... CREEPY stalkerish type stuff IMO...

Am I being over-analyizing? I would like to get to know someone a little more over emails and stuff before I take the time to get a babysitter and meet them in person! Ya know?? Thoughts on this...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was doing OLD I preferred to meet in person ASAP. I saw no point in spending weeks (or sometimes months) emailing back and forth. I would rather meet the real person than establish a false relationship with their online persona.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49447 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should do whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable. If you don't want to meet them in person then don't. Who cares what they think?

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has to be a happy medium. I spoke to one guy for two months before meeting him (which was not by choice), and I also had plenty of "what are you doing tonight"'s. Red flags go off for me when they want to meet right away. I don't even give my phone number out unless I feel comfortable doing so. It amazes me how many people send out their numbers right away. Ideally, within a week or so of starting to talk is when I'll first meet up with someone, if I'm interested. Obviously the calendar comes into play with that, but I don't like to wait too long and I don't like to meet immediately either.

[This message edited by lostmommy at 10:23 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I would do that, but I am still trying to decide if I WANT to meet this guy yet. I haven't really talked with him enough yet (just small talk) and plus there is the obstacle of childcare. I am not taking my daughter on a date with me. Its just not going to happen.

And, that's me too...if we had been talking for a week or two and I was really sparking an interest...then I would definitely be open to meeting in person....but he just started talking to me yesterday!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:25 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that my DH, when we first started communicating, wanted to meet pretty quickly, and I kept putting him off. Fortunately, he was patient.

We talked about it at some point after we were engaged, and he said the reason he was pushing to meet so soon was because of his experiences with OLD. He had gone out with quite a few women with whom there seemed to be a real connection after chatting for a few weeks or even months on-line, only to find out when meeting the first time in person that there was no real attraction on one side or the other (and sometimes both). He just decided he didn't want to waste a lot of time with the initial on-line talk or phone calls only to have things flop in person yet again.

He was patient with me because I explained that I was very cautious after my experiences with my X (who I also met on-line, well before OLD was available).

Bottom line - there are arguments both ways. With a child, you have even more reasons to be cautious. If, when talking to someone through OLD, you can't talk and work out some sort of compromise or at least understanding of each other's viewpoint on this, then that's probably a good sign you're better off passing anyway.


Posts: 2323 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does take a little time when you start OLD to figure out what your process looks like. There aren't right or wrong answers here, Shelly. You just have to determine (probably through trial and error) what works for you. When I was OLD, I found that the longer I was there, the faster I would "size up" a guy and want to meet. I, and many others here, have had too many experiences with people on dating sites who are just there for a little ego boost, but never actually want to meet.

I had one guy string me along, planning and canceling dates, for two months! What a colossal waste of my time. He lived about an hour away, so the dates we planned (3 of them) were always planned well in advance, and at the last minute, something always came up that he had to cancel. I let it slide because he was so apologetic and took a lot of initiative to reschedule.

So my MO became that I wouldn't talk to someone for more than a week without a date getting scheduled. And yes, I accepted dates from first messages, if their profile was well fleshed out and their message was intelligent, well thought out, etc.

I don't, however, tell people where I live, where I work, etc. General neighborhood, yes, specifics? No! That would be a bigger red flag to me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SB,

Your in a harder situation because of the baby. Your right in not bringing baby into the mix. I went on 1 date and spent 2 hours at a bar talking to the guy. He was great communicating online and via txt. Not so much in person. I decided I was not going to waste that much time, online and in person.

So if after a week or so of talking, txting etc and we don't plan on getting together, I am probably done. I don't need a pen pal and I don't need to just be something to do. I also decided no more sitting at a bar with someone. Not really my lifestyle. Now if someone wants to get together, its for a bike ride, walk on our local trails, kayak etc. I am going to at least get exercise out of it. And I have found that it is much easier just "talking" not like at a bar where it seems no real conversation takes place.

I have a pretty thick skin but it takes nerves of steel. The guys usually say that I look way better than my pics, that usually when they meet up with some girl, her pics are decades old, major weight etc. In my opinion a couple of guys didn't look like their pics either (hair colored, much shorter than advertised). I have had a few poofers too. One after he asked what I thought of him after 1 meetup! Some rush to make plans, then cancel.

After everything you have been through, I say, do it your way! If they can't accept that so early in a possible relationship, NEXT.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 665 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jees,

Didn't even get to my point. Maybe try to combine 2 things, one that you would do anyway at a neutral spot and a meet/greet with a potential OLD person.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 665 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave up on OLD for the time being (been out if the game for about 3 months). I see no point trying to size someone up for more than a few messages because honestly what you get in real life is different than what you get via messages or phone calls. Messaging takes significant time and energy if you're really trying to get a sense of someone's personality. It's much more efficient to just meet in person for a casual first get-together (date is too strong a word for a first meeting).

But I don't carry around a fear that when I meet someone in person that she'll be a crazy stalker out to kidnap my children. If you have such fear, then I suppose you should be very very cautious.

What truly sucks about OLD is the weird fixation on chemistry from the start. It's an awkward dynamic, that way, and people rule each other out more quickly and for more superficial reasons than if they grew to know each other more gradually (and inversely, if there is the almighty chemistry, relationships jump start quickly in OLD, only to fizzle and die once the sexual mystery has been demystified - but this I say from observation of others, not my own experience as chemistry has not come my way easily).


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning, I felt like I needed to know them a little before I accepted a date. That was wrong, because I wasn't attracted to them in person. So, I was getting my hopes up, then dashed again when I didn't like them.

Several guys have asked me out in the first message or two. I generally say, "I'm all for meeting quickly, but can we exchange a few emails so I can determine you aren't a serial killer (joking)". That took a little pressure off of me, I got their full name so I could Google them, then I decided pretty quickly and set the date.

It felt weird at first accepting a date from a total stranger, but...I always drove separate, met them in a public place, gave their name/number to my BFF and was cautious.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really can get strung out--there are many online that don't actually want to meet. That is why the want to meet right away.

I think since you have to hire a sitter it isn't unreasonable to wait a bit. I personally wouldn't go longer that 2 weeks though. You can build this weird intimacy in messages that have nothing to do with reality.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back in the beginning of my OLD days, I would email/chat for weeks before meeting. I then got tired of spending weeks, only to finally meet and have them drive me nuts, annoying quirks, or a weird vibe, etc shutting down any possibility of progressing with him. So I decided to limit it to two weeks tops before meeting in person.

Go with what you're comfortable with. I'm a single parent as well with and Ex who doesn't see his children so a babysitter is a rare and precious thing!


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Topic Posts: 13

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