I think ONE of my problems was, was that I never did THINK about what I was doing. It wasn't even as if I had the thought that I would never cheat on my H, or that I looked down on those who did.
I wish I had not been so afraid all the time. Feels painful to think how frightened Ive always felt.
So I pushed it all down.
- After cheating with my H's bestfriend when we were first going out, I just shoved it way down.
- After kissing a guy in a bar, I just shoved it away.
-After having an affair with a guy at work. I just shoved it away.
-After kissing my H's friend, I just shoved it right down.
-After having another affair at work. I just shoved it down.
-After a PA 2 years later, I just shoved it down.
And then something happened. I could no longer shove these things away. I could no longer shove myself away.
And then the agony of it all hit.
Painful to realise how many years have been wasted, shoving shit down and away. Lurching from one fucked up thing to another; other men, different jobs, getting in debt, drinking too much. All connected.
ETA: bit venty in hindsight.