I am (unfortunately) not new to this site, but this is a completely new revelation. I am in so much shock. I was considering reconciliation (hadn't yet confronted him) but this is truly a dealbreaker.
Why can't I just realize there is no fixing him - he is sick, sick, sick!!!
In the process of discovery and D preparations...
My first husband was...omnivorous. From your tag, it looks like this is not the first PA. Once sex becomes that voracious and all encompassing of a fixation, it takes an enormous amount of work to re-emerge from that tar pit.
Work you can't do for him, like you said. Time to find a clean spot and establish safe distance, Hurt. We're all with you. <3.
It's probably meaningless at this point, but just so you know, "MFM" doesn't sex with a male. It simply means both men interact with the woman but they don't interact with each other. I guess some guys get off on using a woman as a f*ck doll.
Now, a "MMF" would mean a threesome where there IS interaction between the men. So in all fairness (and I know at this point it probably doesn't mean much), the placement of the letters IS significant. For what that's worth, anyway.
So, your husband was looking for a situation where he and another guy were both going to 'tag team' some woman but not have any interaction themselves.
Gee, I'm sure THAT makes you feel much better.
You know, I honestly have to say that once they become deviants and get a taste of an alternate lifestyle (orgies, threesomes and foursomes, etc. etc. etc.,) it's almost like they've opened a Pandora's Box and there's no closing it again.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt AND the commemorative plate. Puke.
WH was on craigslist...he posted in the MFM section 99% of the time(according to all evidence I found in his secret email account). He was looking for a man.
Since dday,nearly 3 years ago,I have spent alot of time on craigslist,looking through the casual encounter section..in the beginning it was because I was looking for my WH..and looking to see wth this section on craigslist was all about(I'd never noticed it before dday). Now,I check every once in awhile...yes...looking for my WH.
I have looked through more MFM ads than a person should ever have too...it's a wonder Im not blind. Anyway,the entire section is men looking for men...
The MfMW is a section for men looking for an encounter with a man and a woman.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Listen, there is a possibility that even though he was responding to ads for MFM that he was not actually DOING anything with men. My H also responded to a few ads for M4M (not to be confused with any threesome stuff that was posted earlier). I read the entire email threads between him and a few guys. None of them ever met in person, and I know that based on the ending of the email threads with these people. I wouldn't believe my H if his tongue came notarized on this because he was hooking up with women all over the place.
Anyway, my H was sexually abused as a young teen by a male babysitter. My H was cheating on me out of a deep sense of self hatred and a desire to relive that trauma because he didn't know how to deal with it (and hadn't dealt with it from a young age). This was his way to punish himself, to do what he thought he deserved, as this was how he was treated when he was young. So he sought men on CL as another way to self punish.
After years of IC, MC, weekend retreats, books, etc. etc., he no longer feels like he is worthless as a human being and deserves to be treated like that by anyone, but especially not by himself.
My point is, there might be deep seated reasons that are legitimate, there might not have been any male contact, and if you were exploring R before, I would recommend at least getting to the bottom of this (if you feel you can or want to) before automatically tossing in the towel.
I know I'm not the only one who has had to deal with this on here, and there are many where the WS actually did have homosexual PA's as well. Your dealbreakers are your own, and if it is that for you then that is fine. I just wanted to shed some light due to the fact that you said you were considering R before.
[This message edited by Maat1021 at 1:23 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 4:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009
There was traditional women porn too, and I only know of women that he cheated on me with in real life, but finding that on his computer was certainly a different kind of shocker..
My STBX and I were both sexually abused as children. The difference? I got counseling over the years and always tried to be honest with myself about how it might be affecting my personality, my sex life, my relationships. I knew I needed help, and I went out and found it and will probably always have times over my life when I will need take a revisit to deal with it again.
Him? Refused counseling. No want to change. No wanting to talk about it. No wanting to deal with it. I feel bad for him, yes, but I am NOT letting him use that as an excuse anymore. As adults, we all have to take responsibility for our issues and decisions and actions.
I would say there is no YOU fixing him. Perhaps there is a chance if HE wants to fix HIMSELF and his issues, but you can't do anything to make him want that..
Big hugs. It is a huge shock for sure..
I treid for yeasr to work on getting him over his Bi SA and honestly it was a complete waste of time. I regret every trying after I found out the truth. the amount of continued angst it put me and my wonderful sons through was simply not worth it.
They really have to want to turn around and change. If they don't then it has to be NC, 180 and the rest.
Same thing happened with my WH. I have been finding pictures and websites with him soliciting. Lot of stuff on Craigslist. I've thought about posting an ad of my own and catching him on it. But...what's the point. I already know more than I want to.
Sometimes I think it would have been harder to catch the spouse in one affair with someone from work. Because than, there is emotion attached to it.
With Craigslist, escorts, prostitutes, whores, strippers, porn websites, etc., it's all just a service. He might as well be going to the gas station and filling his tank with gas.
I wish I could unthink some of the words "how much?" "$125""ok. Be there is 10 minutes. Have to use the bathroom. Unless I can do that on you?" "get your strap on on so you can f** me!"
Be strong. "Know where you stand or you will fall for anything. " I like that quote. Can't remember where I heard it...