We are about to inform the OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.
Background/details, if you like. OM #1 ended the A in March b/c he was (supposedly) discovered. So, we have no idea if she truly knows--and the fact that he's still trolling AM supports that.
Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.
This totally sucks, but I have to admit it's the right thing to do.
Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
That being said, my opinion is HEAVILY influenced by the fact that OW /was/is not remorseful in anyway, and 6 years out still rubs the A in my face.
As far as Facebook, profiles now have an "other" file for messages. Messages from non-friends that you have not previously had contact with are automatically filtered into this folder (much like a "spam" folder). this folder is not accessible on Facebook mobile, and barely noticeable on the full Facebook site.
It is likely the message went into the "Other" folder and was never seen.
I do think the BW of the AP needs to know, especially since he is still logging onto AM.
1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.
2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.
3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.
4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.
5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.
6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.
eta: Your WW needs to do a follow up of the outing with a NC letter from her to the AP. Approved of by you.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
You may want your WW to suffer humiliation and you may want the AP to hate her, but doing it the way you describe isn't assuredto accomplish that. Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations.
Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations
Instead of casting aspersions, how about an example or explanation of what you mean by that?
There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.
Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.
I think it would be easier to take the news coming from somebody who is hurting just as much as you are and has just as much incentive to see the affair end as you do. Frankly, the only thing I want from the guy(s) who fucked my ex wife is for him (them) to be run over by a dump truck. I don't trust his (their) truth any more than I trust that the sky is green.
ETA: Of course I had to add the plural. It's easy for me to focus on the New Dad and not the ONS's or the online EAs.
[This message edited by h0peless at 8:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)]
. . .is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.
Perhaps, kind and gentle wouldn't describe how a BS comes to learn about their WS, however you've asked for advice and many have weighed in on their preference and the majority prefer to learn about it from someone other than the WS's affair partner.
[This message edited by alphakitte at 8:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)]
You sound like you really want to do this, 20Wrongs. And, your message is a good one, it does sound sincere. You have to believe me, though, when I say this will unduly pain the BS even more to hear it from you. Why do you want to be the one to deliver the news? (asked sincerely, not snarky)
Now, I had been told about the A from a concerned, sympathetic co-worker/friend who had no reason to lie to me, so I believed her, not him.
Had OW told me? I probably would have heard "She's lying! She wanted me, and I turned her down!" and I probably would have bought it, because I so badly wanted to believe my husband.
Personally, I think a BS is more likely to hurt someone who has no reason to lie.
I think the OBS will be more likely to believe you, the BS, if you come from a standpoint of "My wife admitted everything, and I'm telling you 1) because you deserve to know, and 2) so that I can be sure there will be no more contact between them."
If your WW outs the A, the MM could easily paint her as a spurned, jealous woman he turned down, and the BS could believe him.
This is getting moved to the WS forum. Not all BS's want to read and/or reply to WS's on General.
To everyone else...please be advised this is now in the WS forum and to post accordingly.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)]