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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: outing the OM: should I do it, or BH?
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in another "Telling the Other BS" thread, and it was suggested I start a new one with this specific question.

We are about to inform the OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.

Background/details, if you like. OM #1 ended the A in March b/c he was (supposedly) discovered. So, we have no idea if she truly knows--and the fact that he's still trolling AM supports that.

Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.

This totally sucks, but I have to admit it's the right thing to do.

Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, NOT the AP. To me, that would just feel like the AP was rubbing it in.

That being said, my opinion is HEAVILY influenced by the fact that OW /was/is not remorseful in anyway, and 6 years out still rubs the A in my face.

As far as Facebook, profiles now have an "other" file for messages. Messages from non-friends that you have not previously had contact with are automatically filtered into this folder (much like a "spam" folder). this folder is not accessible on Facebook mobile, and barely noticeable on the full Facebook site.

It is likely the message went into the "Other" folder and was never seen.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as it sucks for your BH, I would want to hear it from the BS. I don't hold my ex's New Dad in very high regard. He was single but if he hadn't been, I wouldn't hold any animosity towards his wife or girlfriend. I also wouldn't want an apology from him.

I do think the BW of the AP needs to know, especially since he is still logging onto AM.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH, I would not have wanted any contact with any of her OM at that stage.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would prefer to hear it from the BH. Partially, it would be unnecessarily painful to hear from the OW and I would wonder about the motives of the OW, despite the remorse expressed in your email. Secondly, your BH is in a similiar situation and can express sympathy and understanding for her position. Later, once she has had time to process the information and your BH can let her know that you would like to apologize personally and are willing to answer questions that she may have.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Sharpie4
♀ Member
Member # 35905
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS, Absolutely. I would include "proof" as an attachment to an email if that is how this to be delivered. I would NOT include all those details about your marriage. I would include a short statement that you not separating or are trying to work through it, only because it might reassure the OBS that WS is no longer a threat to their marriage.


Me: 43
Him: 46
I still don't know what's going on.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2012
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the BH in this situation, I would like to cover the reasons why I think it should be my WW that should make the contact and not me.

1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.

2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.

3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.


Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your points, Adam, but do you also feel that the OBS needs to be cruelly inflicted upon by your WW to satisfy your needs? From my perspective it would be cruel (oh, btw, the OW did tell me all about it, and made sure to make it hurt) for your WW to tell the BS. There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

eta: Your WW needs to do a follow up of the outing with a NC letter from her to the AP. Approved of by you.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adam, the predominant feeling amongst most BS's, especially women, is tht we don't want to hear one word from your WaywardWife!!! Ever.

You may want your WW to suffer humiliation and you may want the AP to hate her, but doing it the way you describe isn't assuredto accomplish that. Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations

Instead of casting aspersions, how about an example or explanation of what you mean by that?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

I think it would be easier to take the news coming from somebody who is hurting just as much as you are and has just as much incentive to see the affair end as you do. Frankly, the only thing I want from the guy(s) who fucked my ex wife is for him (them) to be run over by a dump truck. I don't trust his (their) truth any more than I trust that the sky is green.

ETA: Of course I had to add the plural. It's easy for me to focus on the New Dad and not the ONS's or the online EAs.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. . .is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

Perhaps, kind and gentle wouldn't describe how a BS comes to learn about their WS, however you've asked for advice and many have weighed in on their preference and the majority prefer to learn about it from someone other than the WS's affair partner.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 8:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, but I think the letter you wrote is very eloquent. Whether it comes from you or your husband it is going to suck either way. Do what you feel is the best for your situation.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there are kind and gentle ways to tell the BS. With a lot of compassion and empathy. But, coming from an AP no matter how sincerely sorry you are, it just isn't going to sit well with a BS. It is much easier to hear it from a fellow BS than the perpetrator.

You sound like you really want to do this, 20Wrongs. And, your message is a good one, it does sound sincere. You have to believe me, though, when I say this will unduly pain the BS even more to hear it from you. Why do you want to be the one to deliver the news? (asked sincerely, not snarky)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was told about the A, I even caught my FWH with the OW, he tried to lie his ass off and say he wasn't having an affair.

Now, I had been told about the A from a concerned, sympathetic co-worker/friend who had no reason to lie to me, so I believed her, not him.

Had OW told me? I probably would have heard "She's lying! She wanted me, and I turned her down!" and I probably would have bought it, because I so badly wanted to believe my husband.

Personally, I think a BS is more likely to hurt someone who has no reason to lie.

I think the OBS will be more likely to believe you, the BS, if you come from a standpoint of "My wife admitted everything, and I'm telling you 1) because you deserve to know, and 2) so that I can be sure there will be no more contact between them."

If your WW outs the A, the MM could easily paint her as a spurned, jealous woman he turned down, and the BS could believe him.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to aspersions, neither of your posts come across as having the WS's BS's best interest at heart. No, I'm not going to C&P your, and Adam's, posts.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW told me about the LTA on DDay#1 and DDay#2. I will never forget how it made me feel coming from this homewreaker that I didn't even know existed. I would have much rather heard it from someone else, but she was single and after my WH#2, so she broke the news to me of their LTA. Do not subject another BS to that kind of torture and humilation. If you want to tell her, you tell her, but keep your WW away from her.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1...

This is getting moved to the WS forum. Not all BS's want to read and/or reply to WS's on General.

To everyone else...please be advised this is now in the WS forum and to post accordingly.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198328 | Registered: May 2002
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS - I'd rather learn of the A from the other BS. He would understand my reaction - my pain - my shock- my dismay. To learn of the devastation at the hands of the person who caused it would be horrific in my mind. Isn't it enough that OW colluded to destroy a family, they get to deliver the news too? To hear my pain, my tears, OMG - I think I actually mewled when H confessed. To have OW hear my heart wrenching pain - it was be as though my soul was laid bare for OW to witness....
Ugh...please tell the OBS yourself. Should she want to contact your WW herself to ask questions later - on her timetable - when she is in control - then your WW could be available to do that...

[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

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