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Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fear vs. reality
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1000 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping -- see new posters and fear mentioned.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3449 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of my fears have become my reality.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Allidoiswin
♀ New Member
Member # 44274
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love love love this post! Thank you OP!!!!


BS: 36
SAWH: 40
Married 14 years
Three boys
~ Ready for happiness!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Georgia
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for blindsided81


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3449 | Registered: Dec 2011
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for Brentwood


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Brentwood
♀ Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the bump. I only read one page and it's touched on every fear. Great thread. Is there a way to bookmark it?


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 171 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 12th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost a month, so want to bump for the newbies.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3449 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, September 18th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have seen a few front-page posts about fear, so bumping again!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3449 | Registered: Dec 2011
trying to smile
♀ Member
Member # 9683
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, September 18th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for bumping this.


Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dday1 Aug 2005
Dday2 Aug 2014
I should have listened when he showed me who he was the first time.
Divorcing

Posts: 6271 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: The Land Down Under
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 18th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted to this thread before.

Fears surrounding how my kids would do were probably on the top of my list, especially my adopted daughter, who already had a lot of prior family trauma.

We are still working through things, clearly since we are a year out, but the kids are doing probably better than I thought they would. They tend to be fairly quiet about things, so I have been on top of them asking questions fairly consistently, and helping them through feelings that do pop up.

Right now the main fear is that this crap that comes with the D process will never end. X's accusations and games are triggers, but much less than they used to be.

Another fear has been how I would deal with kid issues, considering my X's terminal illness. Her stubbornness and continued vilification of me may make the transition difficult to my taking the kids full time when she is no longer able to do it. That is still a fear...and not sure how that will resolve.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 765 | Registered: Aug 2013
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 18th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post. I can't remember who said it first, but I love the idea of posting my fears now and coming back to this post to update with the realities.

D-Day was a month ago today. I tried to nice him back and it didn't work. We are separating because it's what he wants. He is moving out next weekend. He says so we can work on ourselves before deciding if it's R or D. I recognize how crazy those sentences are. Everything is very civil right now, mostly because we're pretending until he leaves.

I learned that I am extremely co-dependent and had completely and totally absorbed his emotions as my own. I'm in IC and I'm already seeing improvements in myself just in this month. Reading through these pages has been wonderful for me because I believe I will have these realities too.

Fear: He will want to come home and I will get swept up in the moment and not hold the new healthy boundaries I'm building. Related fear: we R and it happens again.

Fear: He will not want to come home and I will have to experience being discarded for a second time.

Fear: he will move on and find happiness without me before I find it without him.

Fear: I will not find my emotions and won't be a loving mother OR I will transfer my codependence to them.

Fear: He will not hold up his end of the temporary financial arrangement we have agreed to. I can pay every single bill without a dime from him but I don't want to and shouldn't have to. I make 2/3 of our household income and we live a comfortable life. If I have to pay everything, I will have to live paycheck to paycheck until I can make longer term changes to reduce my expenses.

Fear: I will be alone forever and no one else will ever want me again.

Fear: Being judged by my friends if I chose to R. I haven't told anyone except my mom and sisters. I even have a close friend who has been through this (she kicked him out immediately and divorced) and I am too ashamed to tell her for fear we will R and she will judge me.

Fear: My IC suggested I make a list of what I want. I fear won't be able to accomplish the things on my list.

Fear: He will find this board and read my posts


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2014
almostgone2001
♀ Member
Member # 38517
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, September 19th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, this is really a great post!


Me: BS
DD: 7/7/11

Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: CA
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 19th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nature_Girl)))


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 19th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fear: I'd never get to talk to her again.
Reality: I never have to talk to her again!!!!

Fear: I'd be destitute and homeless.
Reality: I struggle a little financially, but I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

Fear: I'd be alone for the rest of my life.
Reality: I've come to enjoy the freedom and solitude.

Fear: She'd run off with her New Dad and live happily ever after with her soulmate.
Reality: I have no idea what's going on in her life now and it's really inconsequential.

Fear: I won't get to be a Dad.
Reality: I still might not get to be a Dad, but I get to be an uncle.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:40 AM, September 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 1792 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a few weeks, so I'm bumping again.

I'm so glad I had posted some of my fears. It's honestly hard now for me to remember why I wanted to stay with him.

Life gets so much better!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3449 | Registered: Dec 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for sri.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26072 | Registered: Aug 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about bumping this for lillies this morning..

Fear, 2 months out: He doesn't love me anymore.

Reality, 2 years later: Well shit, that was really unfair he got to detach sooner than I did. What an asshole. But, finally I don't love him anymore! There are SOOO many people on this planet I would rather spend my time with than THAT piece of shit.. People who DESERVE my time, like my family and friends, and guys who treat me with RESPECT.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2622 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm posting here to bump this up for myself. I just talked to a lawyer today on the phone, so I'm baby steps into this process, and already I can feel the panic attacks lurking just beneath the surface. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back at this one day and post that my reality wasn't anywhere near as bad as my fears. Hopefully.

Why Iím afraid to get a divorce:
1. I will be alone forever.
2. Once I'm alone, I'll want to do things, but not by myself, and finding someone else to do them with will seem like a big hassle, so I'll just end up watching Netflix and eating junk food every night.
3. I'll base my whole life around my son, then not be able to let go when he grows up and moves away. (Both my mother and grandmother did this, so this is a HUGE fear.)
4. Since WH does pretty much all of the housework and Iím a really shitty homemaker, the house will end up a permanent pigsty.
5. Since WH keeps track of all the finances right now, I wonít do it well and will screw myself up royally when right now Iím in really good shape.
6. I wonít be able to keep my habit of self-medication through spending money in check and will screw up my finances even more.


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (38) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 7 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
CharachterReveal
Member
Member # 43477
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 125
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

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