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Fear vs. reality

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gypsybird87 posted 7/14/2014 19:37 PM


phmh posted 7/28/2014 20:08 PM

Bumping -- see new posters and fear mentioned.

Nature_Girl posted 7/28/2014 20:26 PM

Most of my fears have become my reality.

Allidoiswin posted 7/28/2014 22:10 PM

Love love love this post! Thank you OP!!!!

phmh posted 8/9/2014 16:49 PM

Bumping for blindsided81

Virginiagirl posted 8/16/2014 16:22 PM

Bumping for Brentwood

Brentwood posted 8/16/2014 17:46 PM

Thanks for the bump. I only read one page and it's touched on every fear. Great thread. Is there a way to bookmark it?

phmh posted 9/12/2014 19:11 PM

It's been almost a month, so want to bump for the newbies.

phmh posted 9/18/2014 06:45 AM

Have seen a few front-page posts about fear, so bumping again!

trying to smile posted 9/18/2014 07:33 AM

Thank you so much for bumping this.

kg201 posted 9/18/2014 11:42 AM

Haven't posted to this thread before.

Fears surrounding how my kids would do were probably on the top of my list, especially my adopted daughter, who already had a lot of prior family trauma.

We are still working through things, clearly since we are a year out, but the kids are doing probably better than I thought they would. They tend to be fairly quiet about things, so I have been on top of them asking questions fairly consistently, and helping them through feelings that do pop up.

Right now the main fear is that this crap that comes with the D process will never end. X's accusations and games are triggers, but much less than they used to be.

Another fear has been how I would deal with kid issues, considering my X's terminal illness. Her stubbornness and continued vilification of me may make the transition difficult to my taking the kids full time when she is no longer able to do it. That is still a fear...and not sure how that will resolve.

roseyposey posted 9/18/2014 20:43 PM

Thank you for this post. I can't remember who said it first, but I love the idea of posting my fears now and coming back to this post to update with the realities.

D-Day was a month ago today. I tried to nice him back and it didn't work. We are separating because it's what he wants. He is moving out next weekend. He says so we can work on ourselves before deciding if it's R or D. I recognize how crazy those sentences are. Everything is very civil right now, mostly because we're pretending until he leaves.

I learned that I am extremely co-dependent and had completely and totally absorbed his emotions as my own. I'm in IC and I'm already seeing improvements in myself just in this month. Reading through these pages has been wonderful for me because I believe I will have these realities too.

Fear: He will want to come home and I will get swept up in the moment and not hold the new healthy boundaries I'm building. Related fear: we R and it happens again.

Fear: He will not want to come home and I will have to experience being discarded for a second time.

Fear: he will move on and find happiness without me before I find it without him.

Fear: I will not find my emotions and won't be a loving mother OR I will transfer my codependence to them.

Fear: He will not hold up his end of the temporary financial arrangement we have agreed to. I can pay every single bill without a dime from him but I don't want to and shouldn't have to. I make 2/3 of our household income and we live a comfortable life. If I have to pay everything, I will have to live paycheck to paycheck until I can make longer term changes to reduce my expenses.

Fear: I will be alone forever and no one else will ever want me again.

Fear: Being judged by my friends if I chose to R. I haven't told anyone except my mom and sisters. I even have a close friend who has been through this (she kicked him out immediately and divorced) and I am too ashamed to tell her for fear we will R and she will judge me.

Fear: My IC suggested I make a list of what I want. I fear won't be able to accomplish the things on my list.

Fear: He will find this board and read my posts

almostgone2001 posted 9/19/2014 00:19 AM

Thanks, this is really a great post!

sadone29 posted 9/19/2014 09:08 AM


h0peless posted 9/19/2014 09:50 AM

Fear: I'd never get to talk to her again.
Reality: I never have to talk to her again!!!!

Fear: I'd be destitute and homeless.
Reality: I struggle a little financially, but I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

Fear: I'd be alone for the rest of my life.
Reality: I've come to enjoy the freedom and solitude.

Fear: She'd run off with her New Dad and live happily ever after with her soulmate.
Reality: I have no idea what's going on in her life now and it's really inconsequential.

Fear: I won't get to be a Dad.
Reality: I still might not get to be a Dad, but I get to be an uncle.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:40 AM, September 19th (Friday)]

phmh posted 10/6/2014 21:31 PM

It's been a few weeks, so I'm bumping again.

I'm so glad I had posted some of my fears. It's honestly hard now for me to remember why I wanted to stay with him.

Life gets so much better!

nowiknow23 posted 10/7/2014 13:20 PM

Bumping for sri.

ButterflyGirl posted 10/7/2014 14:19 PM

I thought about bumping this for lillies this morning..

Fear, 2 months out: He doesn't love me anymore.

Reality, 2 years later: Well shit, that was really unfair he got to detach sooner than I did. What an asshole. But, finally I don't love him anymore! There are SOOO many people on this planet I would rather spend my time with than THAT piece of shit.. People who DESERVE my time, like my family and friends, and guys who treat me with RESPECT.

My_Name_Is_Alice posted 10/17/2014 15:53 PM

I'm posting here to bump this up for myself. I just talked to a lawyer today on the phone, so I'm baby steps into this process, and already I can feel the panic attacks lurking just beneath the surface. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back at this one day and post that my reality wasn't anywhere near as bad as my fears. Hopefully.

Why Iím afraid to get a divorce:
1. I will be alone forever.
2. Once I'm alone, I'll want to do things, but not by myself, and finding someone else to do them with will seem like a big hassle, so I'll just end up watching Netflix and eating junk food every night.
3. I'll base my whole life around my son, then not be able to let go when he grows up and moves away. (Both my mother and grandmother did this, so this is a HUGE fear.)
4. Since WH does pretty much all of the housework and Iím a really shitty homemaker, the house will end up a permanent pigsty.
5. Since WH keeps track of all the finances right now, I wonít do it well and will screw myself up royally when right now Iím in really good shape.
6. I wonít be able to keep my habit of self-medication through spending money in check and will screw up my finances even more.

CharachterReveal posted 10/27/2014 13:08 PM


ButterflyGirl posted 10/27/2014 13:23 PM

Fear: I'd never get to talk to her again.
Reality: I never have to talk to her again!!!!

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