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Newest Member: Makeitstop85 (44953)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fear vs. reality
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for YOU.

There really are blessings in disguise. Having no children, means you won't be tied to spouse for child issues. A huge plus.

So a big whoo hoo to you.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping up


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a rush and don't have time to add my two cents, but this is an essential thread, for it cuts to the core of all our tsurus. Keep it going! I read it for inspiration. It's all about fear....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many of the fears listed here - financial anxiety, losing friends and family, not finding love again, lack of sex - were my fears too. Those fears were so debilitating that I could not get out of bed, could not eat, could not kick my ex to the curb and tried to hang on to somebody who treated my like garbage.

And as most of those who posted, I found those fears not to be realistic and my life is now turning out better than it ever was.

I am doing better financially than I ever did, being able to save more while allowing myself a decent lifestyle. Instead of money being spent on husband's toys and pricey dinners and 100$ bottle wines, I get my regular massages, have a cleaning lady, a gardener and still have more money left over than before.

I am closer to ALL of family and most friends than ever before. My ex-in laws and my parents are my rocks. So are my close girlfriends and a few guy friends. I have found kindness and love in places I never expected.

I have dated and had a relationship after my separation and divorce. Even though the relationship did not end well I learned that I could love again and truly fall for somebody again head over heels. It also showed me how great sex can truly be and it has given me hope for the future that at my tender age of 44 it is not too late to find love.

This is a great thread for anybody just starting this journey. It is so hard to imagine that you can come out better, stronger, happier on the other side, but many of us here are living proof of that.

Frankly, if I was asked today to trade my life and my experiences since my separation and divorce and go back to my old life - ex-husband and marriage at that point, money issues etc. - I would say 'No' without hesitation.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 7:24 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping up, as I said I would in General.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I had all of these same fears and the fear that xWH would never come back.
Reality is: I have a great family support system. I have awesome friends. I recently got a wonderful job that I love. I am having fun with my life. I took my boy to Disneyland and it was fantastic. I have new dreams and aspirations that I know I am capable of achieving on my own. I bought anew car. I have not just survived I continue to thrive. I chose to be happy.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful thread. I keep thinking about it when I struggle and I ask myself if my struggle/fear is rooted in reality.

Most time it is based in fear - fear of not ever being loved again, not being good enough, not being strong enough. And then I kick myself remembering all the posts of the strong people on this site - if you can do it, I can do it.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
msk99
♂ Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread, very timely in my situation. Trying to garner the strength to forge ahead and get this disaster in my rear view mirrors....


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
ItHappened2Me2
♀ Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this topic! I haven't started the D process yet -- but will be shortly and this thread gives me hope!

I think my biggest fear is the possibility of sharing important milestones in my children's lives with OW (like Homecoming Dances, Prom, Graduations, Wedding). My daughter has already told me that there is no way OW will ever replace me as "Mom" -- but I don't want to share my kids with her.

(actually, what my daughter has said is that she only has 2 moms -- her birthmom and me and there isn't room for another one!)

We'll see what reality ends up being.


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this post. This is so helpful.

Because my situation is still so new...my fears are about what I don't know about STBX and what he may do next...

Fear: Why did this man I thought loved me, who was a good person, turn into someone else?

Reality: I am thankful I found out his true colors now and not in 10 more years.I am thankful I am not with him because he is in a dark dark hole I don't want to be dragged into. He tried to be a good man, but he isn't one, he is pathetic.

Fear: What is he plotting, scheming, planning legally?? Can he beat me? will he get 50% custody?

Reality: I am smarter. I am more resourceful and willful and stronger. I will not back down and while he had a 15 month head start on me...I am only getting stronger while he gets weaker and I can play this game too. Don't F**K with me.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This should be a sticky just like there are R success stories stickied on the R thread! I am just at the beginning of this process and these posts are encouraging. Maybe I'll post my fears too

Fear: it will be hard for me to give my 16 month old son up for a whole day or 2 at a time and it will be hard for him to go back and forth. Also STBX is unreliable so he may not keep to our agreements. Conversely, maybe I won't have much help with child rearing and the nanny will have to cover my hours (right now STBX is traveling most of the week). My parents said they will visit once a month to help.

Fear: My STBX will see the light and stop being a verbally abusive cheater and I'll miss out on the improved version (yeah right he's still blaming everyone else for this)

Fear: I'll be lonely because I moved up here for STBX's career and now I'm stuck hundreds of miles away from my family and friends without him. Already started making some good friends up here so hopefully that's not true.

Fear: I'll never find a good man.

Fear: I will struggle financially. Even though I was the breadwinner I worry about paying for the house on my own, paying for childcare on my own, and him winning alimony.

I think that's it. Seems like a lot of fears for someone who can't wait to be free!

[This message edited by careerlady at 5:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 939 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this up since I've seen some new faces in here lately.

Believe us -- things will get better! Don't let fear stop you from making the best decision for you for the rest of your life!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping again.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
yestopants
♀ Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! You guys that have shared are so completely amazing! You are an inspiration to us who are just starting this mess. I have a lot of fears…. I read through this whole thread and bump, bump, bump. thank you for the encouragements this club is awesome. Being here makes me know I will thrive. I've feared so much….but the reality is starting to show….and i know that very soon my list of fear vs. reality will clearly show that my worst nightmare is actually the best thing that could have happened, Thanks for keeping this going and thanks for sharing, it means a lot to a newbie


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 282 | Registered: Dec 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great. Thank you!!! to everyone who contributed; you make this process sooo much better.

FEAR: I'll never be able to afford to go on vacation again.

REALITY: My buddy sent me a plane ticket and rented a beach house and I'm taking off in a month just in time to come back and FINALIZE.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
GingerAle
♀ Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pmhm, Thank you so much for creating this thread. And thanks to everyone who has contributed to it and bumping it. It is so inspiring, and just what I needed today!


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 410 | Registered: Nov 2011
hangingonin
♀ Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really helpful to me as I'm feeling quite low at the moment. Thanks

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping again, for the weekend crowd.

Honestly, it's getting so long since D-Day for me that I have trouble remembering some of my other fears (I posted some here, but I know I had more) and life just keeps getting better and better.

I know it's so hard early in the process. You can't see how you can ever be happy again, but you will. You are all very strong (stronger than you even realize) and can come through this happier than before.

There will be tough times ahead, and a terrible roller coaster, but someday you will wake up and wonder why you ever were with someone like that.

It gets better. Just keep telling yourself that. I promise it's true.

(((everyone who needs to be here)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
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