Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: sadmama33 (45336)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know how to handle this - RE: NC
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice because I am in the same boat. WS was just at drinks celebrating a friend's promotion on Friday and it turns out OW was there. I'm not even happy with that but the nature of their jobs means there will be work meetings, conferences etc in the future anyway. I don't know where to join the line. Last night I told her NO social events that I won't be at too, and she could have asked her promotion friend if OW was going before accepting. He would understand as he knows what happened. I tried to make it black and white by saying there is to be no communication, even at work unless it will affect a patient's care or you would be found negligent for not discussing with her. Sigh... I think there will still be grey ares that will come up though.
I totally get how you feel.


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the communication was a habit of politeness. Nothing to worry about. (I'm many years past D-Day).

That doesn't change how you feel, though, and I understand that it isn't that he said "you're welcome."

What is coming out is the anxiety and stress you face daily, worrying that it could start up again and you wouldn't know until wasted efforts and years. I know exactly what that's like, and it's tormenting.

It is to his credit he is telling you these things. Most WS don't, and argue about it. He must be serious about wanting to prove his love and fidelity to you.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:37 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
jellybean22
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's moot. Everything is so fucked up here.

The baby text I discovered when I checked the phone bill. He had scrubbed it from his phone. In MC he said he did it to avoid triggering me. I trigger way more at scrubbing texts and omitting information.

Tonight I found more. He lied when I confronted him. They were scrubbed also. She had texted him to whine about being nervous I was going to tell her fiancé. They had talked about it at work too when he (supposedly, like I can believe anything he says) told her she shouldn't have sent the baby text because I didn't think it was appropriate.

If she's so worried about me ratting her out, why would she keep texting him?

So a big knock down drag out here. I texted with the MC. I'm going to the next appointment alone if I have to. I don't know what's going to happen.

[This message edited by jellybean22 at 9:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jelly
Honey I am sorry.
Sounds like your WS just doesnt get it.
No contact means NO contact.
I hope you have contacted a lawyer to see what is your options.
Please get your financials and take them with you.
Do you really want to keep living like you are?? It is hell I know I lived it. If I could change one thing it would of been the him working at the same workplace as the other women.
Take care of yourself.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when it comes to NC, I think ppl need to be hard asses about it.
NC is NC. Go work at McDonalds.
Why is a job worth more than the peace of mind of your spouse?

jelly: I was in a similar situation where there was communication in December - nothing big or affair starting - but he didn't tell me everything and I found out on the phone bill. Sure, he might not be having an affair but the lying indicates that the wayward behavior hasn't been fixed. I wish I would have left then....

good luck!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5261 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She had texted him to whine about being nervous I was going to tell her fiancé.

I think its probably time to help fulfill that prophecy. The truth is hanging over her head like a noose and damage control is her number one priority.

Your WS's continues to protect her, her engagement, her lies all while maintaining contact. Her "needs" trump complete transparency with you. He is willing to lie to you to protect her. You are not his priority. You should be, but he is showing you that you are not. I really hope you can find the strength to put an end to this, by not accepting the bare minimum he has been offering. I think if you expose the truth, you will eliminate the secrecy that continues to bond them together.

I am really sorry. You deserve much more than this.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck. I don't think I could do it. Hard to say for sure, but I think if my WH had worked with OW I would have either left or insisted he quit. Hell, I moved us to another STATE, selling a house I custom built.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
jellybean22
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's done. The fiancé knows. I talked to OW who wanted to end contact with WH also at her fiancé's request. Fiancé and I have them blocked on each other's phones for extra assurance.

But WH still doesn't get it. He's angry with me because he "told me so" that it was over between them. And as much as I wanted to believe that and everything else he was saying in and out of MC, he doesn't get that the hiding/lying in between his truths was keeping me from believing anything he was saying.

So I feel so good about the chapter with OW being closed. I don't even feel concern about them working together. She was dead serious about not wanting contact for her fiancé's sake and I have that other ally in checking up to be sure they're not in contact.

But despite that feeling of security, things are worse here. I don't know that WH will ever get it. I don't know how long I can hang on hoping he will.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's still in the fog. My husband did the same thing to me. They get angry because we take control of a situation. He gave up that right when he decided to have an affair. I heard all kinds of shit like: you didn't have to ruin her job (I told her employer), and I needed more time to end it, or it wasn't that big if a deal...
All that is fog, justification, minimizing wayward behavior. DON'T fall for it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5261 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stand up straight and proud jelly! You did good!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5261 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H worked with OW too – and we had some situations which were almost exactly like yours. They had to have work contact – ok, not much I could do about that – but I insisted there be no references to “thank you” – “you’re welcome” – “good job” – anything like that. And I meant it. Nothing.

There were times I thought maybe I was being extreme – but ya know what? If that’s what made me feel comfortable – too bad. I didn’t care if he seemed rude or impolite – I didn’t want to SEE any semblance of niceness between them. And it really DOES open the door to more.. – because if they’re being “nice” in emails – imagine what they’re doing at the office? Yes – they’re talking, etc. and it eventually spills over into the email.

My H finally left that job – and everyone here was right – its not over until there is absolutely NO CONTACT whatsoever! They can’t go back to being friends..it just can’t happen. OW couldn’t seem to comprehend that either – she’d include him on joke email strings – again, I flipped. Finally, I DID call her and tell her to stop – because my H wouldn’t – or would lie about it and say she just wouldn’t listen – really? You TELL someone to stop emailing you and they do it anyway? I don’t think so – and even if that IS the case – HE needs to tell her to stop – either with you present or cc’d on the email. That’s what finally stopped her.

It’s so frustrating, I know.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.