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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Years later...
fadedrainbow
♀ Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading SI for years. I have learned so much about marriage and relationships from this forum. Even if I had found SI in the early days after DDay I would have balked at the advice because I thought my situation was different. (WRONG!) Thank you generous SI ers for your wisdom. The two most important things I've learned here are 1) The rule of NC and 2) the words matching actions rule. I could not implement the NC rule consistently until this year. I broke NC today because for years I have not been able to move on and I really needed closure because of the way my divorce unfolded. I realise many do not get closure and have to live with it. That is so hard. Although I was able to be honest, open, and share how I have felt which is something I have wanted to do
for a long time with XH, it will not change things. XH still feels tremendous guilt for his actions but he has moved on and now has a girlfriend. I still have deep feelings for him which I have been trying to erase for years unsuccessfully. My XH was/is an alcoholic our whole marriage. He stopped drinking soon after dday.He is in recovery now and has become the man I always knew he was underneath. Co-dependancy sucks! I know I am not healed enough to date and although I am a very young looking 60 this year my confidence is still very low. I have always been shy about posting my story at the risk of sounding so pathetic. I have so much to be grateful for, two beautiful grown children, wonderful friends, a nice home,etc. but I am finding making a new life for myself so very difficult. Other than my kids who have their own lives, I have no family here, and my close friends are all married. I read others stories ( with admiration)and how they have moved on and wonder how did they do that so well/quickly? I think to myself "why aren't I over him by now"? I have been in IC for years. Today XH said he would like to still have a relationship with me on some level. Said he loves me very much as a person. I told him I could not be grouped with his many friends male and female who he has known for 20 or 30 years. I said I could never go back to being 4th or 5th important on his list. Back to NC now. Thanks for listening/reading FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why aren't I over him by now
People process closure on different ways. I wanted logical answers. Guess what? I was fooling myself thinking I would ever get to understand XH logic of why he cheated but I was able to find a sense of rationality by taking back control of my own behavior. For instance, he claimed over and over he still loved me but he couldn't commit so I made the choice to say "your love is not good enough" and took actions towards detachment. My therapist helped with lots of activities in this area so I'm better now and I have no doubt you'll be too.


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3298 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today XH said he would like to still have a relationship with me on some level. Said he loves me very much as a person. I told him I could not be grouped with his many friends male and female who he has known for 20 or 30 years. I said I could never go back to being 4th or 5th important on his list. Back to NC now
Yes NC helps to move forward. I don't like the idea of a timeline for healing. Just make sure your days have activities, people, and whatever makes you happy in it. He may want to have a "friendship" with you but other than being able to tolerate him at family functions because of the kids, nah, why have a friend that treated you so badly ? I don't understand the friend stuff with XSs when they threw us away.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20371 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Topic Posts: 3

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