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User Topic: Is it possible for people to never come out of the fog?
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ShockedMan: It took my WH months to come out of the fog. For the first six weeks he was still in contact with her. Only after DD#2 when all the rest of the shit came out and he asked me to tell her BS about the fact that she would not stop contacting my WH did it stop. It has taken almost a year for the 'fog' to really dissipate, notwithstanding our attempts at reconciliation.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to reconcile with your WW. She'll have to work on the marriage if so but you, too, have to show some patience - if you want to.

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
♂ Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I confronted FWW on DDay, I was very blunt and told her I can't believe almost 25 years together is over and we have to D. I told her I loved her but since she found someone else I do not believe in M with three people - especially if I am the one paying for it all. I told her we would need to list all our assets in the next couple days so we can divide them evenly. I'd be fair and just want to unwind everything between us as fast as possible. We also need to discuss what to tell the kid's this weekend.

Fog lifted immediately. She was crying, etc. I told her the only chance we had was:

1. No contact ever again or else I am leaving.
2. Transparency. User id's and pws to all accounts. She didn't know but I had keylogger installed plus GPS tracking on her car.
3. Answer all my questions. One more f%$#ing lie and I was leaving.
4. She needed to attend counseling to figure out her Why. Work on herself so I could feel safe she wouldn't nuke us again.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 10:53 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally don't put a lot of belief in the so called "fog". They may not know what they really want, but they know what they did. They choose to have the A. Just like we choose not to and lived in the same marriage as they did. My WH#1 never admitted to his last EA?PA. He said they were just friends and that I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. This girl was 18 and he was 41. He had many drunken ONS's and EA over the 20+ yrs we were together. That comment was MY final breaking point and I immediately filed for D and never considered R after that. He still can't believe I actually went through with it.

WH#2 had a LTA. I never even knew we were having problems in our marriage and trusted him totally. Again he choose to have the A and then took it underground for another yr after DDay#1. He is still rug sweeping and refuses to deal with it. I know it will eventually lead to D when I get strong enough to let go. He may never, just like WH#1, see what he did to me and our marriage. He thinks now that everything should just go back to the way it was before he had the LTA. He also has a problem with alcohol abuse which I think allows him to live with what he has done to himself and to our marriage. His "fog" is the bottle and until he decides to do something about it he will never be safe for me to be with as I think it contributed greatly to his compartmentalization of the A for so long and could very well again.

What you have to decide is how long you are willing to wait for her to get her head out of her ass and really work toward R. It sounds like she may be regretful, but she is not remorseful. She is now in the pity party stage because it is all coming down on her. She needs to own her own shit and you need to let her. If it means filing for D, then that is what you need to do. It may give her a reality check and it may not. Your main goal now is to work on making yourself stronger so whatever happens you can deal with it and carry on with your life. It is heartbreaking, but you will get through it one way or the other. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX is still in complete denial, and it's been two years since DDay and amost 1.5 years since I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. He's still full of shit, still lies to everyone, still is trying to hurt me & destroy me.

So yes, it is possible that some people never come out of the fog. For them it's not fog, it's a way of life. A mental issue. Character/Personality disorder.

I did not file for divorce as a manipulative tool in the hopes STBX would change or whatever. By the time I filed I didn't care about STBX any longer. I accepted that he was a fucked-up human being who was a danger to me & the children. I didn't care what he thought or did as long as he didn't hurt the children. Only of course he DID hurt the children in the hopes of hurting me. Which only confirmed for me that divorce was the right thing to do.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9828 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shockeman, I agree with others who have asked what YOU want to do.

I thought that you had come to this forum right before I did...did I miss something and you only confronted your wife 8 days ago? (Or am I missing something now...which I don't doubt considering my mental state these days lol)

Anyway, it took my WH five days to start being a little bit honest and to go NC, and 7 days to pretty much admit it all. He still didn't truly begin to realize what he had done (demolished our 33 yr M with a sledgehammer) until about two weeks out.

I'm going to throw something out here and please keep in mind that this is MY situation, but I wanted to say that WH immediately offered to leave the home if I wanted him to. I DID want him to...however, I stopped myself from that because I knew in my own heart that once he left, I would never take him back. We hadn't been fighting pre-D-Day and so I knew that we would not fight (I threw things, but not at him, and he kept his temper at all times).

Part of my being blindsighted by this is my own devastated pride because I honestly did not see it coming. People talk on here about how it feels like we've been sleeping with the enemy, and yep, that's what I felt. So I WANTED to take care of myself and I wanted to allow WH to see what he had done. I didn't want drama, I didn't want to play-act my anger or hurt...we spent hours into every single night him listening, and my repeating over and over how every single part of my life had just changed, and how I didn't get a vote.

I guess what I'm trying to share is that I reallllly thought that I would never put up with an affair...and maybe I won't...but what's best for ME is to not make any rash decisions right at the moment until I see how this will pan out and also until I can heal a bit and get my own strength back.

Cyber hugs to ya!

D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
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