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Newest Member: LadyS (45361)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still Helping
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is Perv still helping out with things? For a long time it was just house things or DD related things.

I work really hard not to mention broken things or things that need help, esp. if they are mine.

Is it guilt? I notice it is only on his terms. I don't ask, of course not, but sometimes DD will mention things to him.

It feels so strange and I hesitate to "let" him.

He's talking about taking an appliance "with him" and bringing it back, but I can't afford to pay to fix it and I can't go without because of school.

My stuff at OW's house? No doubt he will not say who's stuff it is, but for me it's really, really strange.

I suspect I will let it go because the reality is that it needs to be fixed and used!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how I'd feel about that. X never bothers with anything at the house. Even though we still own it jointly and he's responsible for half of the upkeep, he does absolutely nothing. He doesn't try to help at all. He has just totally abandoned me and this house. There's days (like today when I'm busting my ass trying to get the yard taken care of and the neighbor is hasseling me about the trees needing trimmed) when it royally pisses me off. Then there's days when I'm just glad he's not in my orbit....


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LadyQ.

I don't know what to do about it either. I think if he can fix it at the house I may try it, but letting my stuff go there is making me feel like throwing up. I've asked him not to "cross resources" before and I am emotionally violently opposed to that. He's tried to do it before.

Yes, I know what you mean about where you live. DD and I still are in the "marial home" (hate that terrm!!) and Perv had offered this and that for help but now does nothing. So we too, live with a wreck for a yard and one she can't play in b/c of the grass too long and we don't have company because I can't keep up with it all.

Now it's going up for sale and probably will be a money loss because he's dropped the projects. I'm trying to figure out if I can return some of those materials because maybe I can get money for them, if he's just dumped it all?

I don't feel good or "right" about having him do anything for me at all anymore and I can't help but wonder why.

IC says it's a guilt thing and probably always has been. He used to come off as this "good samaritan", always willing to lend someone a hand or give away something to someone in need. He's doing that for family members again, but the A's been outed to them so maybe the guilt theory isn't a bad one?

I'm thinking right now I'm not going to let anything go out the door, but because I'm stuck may just try to deal with it at home.

I can't afford to pay anyone and really wish I could.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like a similar situation. I was going to try to work our lawn mower this summer but can't now and it's hard to see it look like heck, esp. when it was such a pride for him before.

We have all these gardens going to pot because I can't get to it all and it's so sad to see.

Thank you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him thanks but no thanks. To be honest, I wouldn't let x piss on me if I was on fire. If I can't manage all this by myself, I guess I'm goin' down!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I hear you. It's what my gut is yelling at me.

IC also said it could be a last-ditch effort at trying to still be "needed" by me.

Hence, the not asking anything.

And anything I can get by without that man is empowering.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes ma'am! My garbage disposal is leaking and needs to be replaced. Think I'll ask him?? No! My dad will be here next week, and I plan on asking him to teach me how to take care of it! I've learned how to change my own oil, and I fixed my kids toilet when it was leaking. I'll find a way to get the rest taken care of, by hook or by crook!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyQ, I'm not terribly handy, but I'm not entirely useless either - and sometimes youtube tutorials have given me the confidence and expertise I need to tackle something.

You can watch these before your dad comes and maybe you won't even have to ask him(or at least have a jump on what it will look like when he gets there!): http://tinyurl.com/kbkftwy


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 360 | Registered: Feb 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I filed for D from XWH#1 he kept coming around wanting to fix things. He even came and mowed the grass (once). I let him know that I no longer wanted him there. Our house was in a total shambles (in the middle of remodeling the whole house on DDay)and I was living in a little mobile home that belonged to my mother before she passed away. I eventually gave away the house to some neighbors(historic home) and WH#2 and I built a new house on my land. WH#2 does good to screw in a lightbulb, much less any type of construction, so I really had no choice. I couldn't afford the remodel after the D because the lawyers had sucked me dry and XWH#1 had stolen all the money from our accounts and the kids college funds. I didn't care if I had to live in my car and the grass got waist high, no way was I letting him back into my life or my home.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me as though this is guilt.

Even though the WS may have left, they still do have feelings for you. They do care to some degree and also have problems letting completely go. They also know that they were a bad guy for what they did and are trying in some way to make it up to you.

Very complicated feelings.

BUT

THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM

You need to look out for yourself now.

If you need stuff done, and won't become emotionally involved thinking that maybe WS still loves me and might come back and just be emotionally detached, accept the help.

But, if the help WS is giving you gives you false hope or is emotionally distressing you, say politely thanks, but no thanks.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you need stuff done, and won't become emotionally involved thinking that maybe WS still loves me and might come back and just be emotionally detached, accept the help.

I agree with this. I've detached to the point where I can use the X when I need something, and I treat him like an helpful acquaintance. He has horrible guilt feelings and has always been a KISA, so I have no problem exploiting this. It's not in my nature to ask for help, so it has to be something that I absolutely can't handle myself and can't afford to hire out.

Last year I moved half way across the country by myself. The most cost-efficient way to do this was using PODS to haul my stuff. I had no one who could help me move my furniture into the container, so I asked the X; he drove 2.5 hours and packed the entire unit. I gave him some gas money and bought him lunch. He cried when he left; I felt nothing.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20289 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guilt, pure and simple.

That is one of the things that really irritates POS. I have always been the handyman around the house, whether it is changing car oil, mowing the large lawn, or replacing a broken bathroom ventilation system! I was raised with only brothers and taught to be totally self-sufficient by my mother. I have never "needed" POS for anything, well except maybe a sperm donation! Haha. He would love nothing more than to see me fall apart without him, but he knows that simply won't happen and boy does that piss on his manly ego!!

Even if, by off chance, I did need something I would NEVER ask him or let him. There are plenty of other resources out there. FTG!!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 11

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