Of course you are still hurting. It's been 18 months of hell, I am sure, trying to understand 15 years of lies, deceit and betrayal.
It sucks. We all know it sucks and bad. We want to heal but the HOW and the HOW LONG drive us crazy. For me crazier.
You will need to feel every emotion you need to feel. Anger is part of it. Of course you hate him some days. Completely normal. How could you NOT?
I don't know one of us that have not hated our WS.
Please please focus on YOU right now. YOU. Define your boundaries and tell yourself everyday. Not today and maybe not tomorrow but some day I know I will be okay.
I will find myself again and be happy being me. My identity is not defined by two lying, cheating, selfish people.
You also don't have to make any decisions until you are ready. So love him one day and hate him the next. That is okay. He created this mess you are just trying to navigate through it. If he loves you more than you know then start acting like it. You need to talk, he needs to engage. That demonstrates love. Don't back down.
You are better than their bullsh*t and you matter.
Don't fake anything - just be.
All else fails get in the car and go for a drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Pretend he is next to you and unleash everything you want to say to him.
Good luck. Keep moving - you matter.