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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please Help Me
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fighting Back

Of course you are still hurting. It's been 18 months of hell, I am sure, trying to understand 15 years of lies, deceit and betrayal.

It sucks. We all know it sucks and bad. We want to heal but the HOW and the HOW LONG drive us crazy. For me crazier.

You will need to feel every emotion you need to feel. Anger is part of it. Of course you hate him some days. Completely normal. How could you NOT?

I don't know one of us that have not hated our WS.

Please please focus on YOU right now. YOU. Define your boundaries and tell yourself everyday. Not today and maybe not tomorrow but some day I know I will be okay.

I will find myself again and be happy being me. My identity is not defined by two lying, cheating, selfish people.

You also don't have to make any decisions until you are ready. So love him one day and hate him the next. That is okay. He created this mess you are just trying to navigate through it. If he loves you more than you know then start acting like it. You need to talk, he needs to engage. That demonstrates love. Don't back down.

You are better than their bullsh*t and you matter.

Don't fake anything - just be.

All else fails get in the car and go for a drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Pretend he is next to you and unleash everything you want to say to him.

Good luck. Keep moving - you matter.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:18 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((FightingBack)) I am sorry for your pain. I heard of this book, Too Bad to Stay/to Good to Leave. Apparently, it becomes pretty clear at the end of the book what your path to take.

But honestly, and I say this kindly, I am not sure of the "good" you receiving from your H.

I would truly work on you at this stage. Why is this the person you want to be with?

If you cannot afford IC, then perhaps some reading on being Co-Dependent - Codependent No More is another such book. Is there a library near you? Or a book store? Why not head over this week, grab a coffee and start doing something to help YOU.

Put YOU first!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2218 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let you know that all your responses are appreciated.

I am also open to the reading suggestions.

I just ordered Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I think that is where I am right now.

I really don't think I am co-dependent, just finding it difficult to accept that he is not who I thought he was and wrapping my head around the fact that our history together was not real.

Goodbye Prince Charming may also be something I need to read, but at this point I realize that whatever attributes I thought he had were probably what I created. I need to look at him, and all people without preconceived ideas about their characters. I'm sure the book is much more than that, and I have kept note of it.

Same goes for Hold Me Tight. I think I know what would make me feel emotionally safe, and that is that he never had an affair, or in the least, that he were as devastated as me because of it.

I will also keep that one in mind if/when I want to even contemplate needing anything from him.

Right now, I will try to concentrate on me. Maybe I have learned the art of compartmentalization, because it is working for me to be void of emotion one way or the other re our M.

It works for today anyway. And it helps a great deal to know you are all there.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, I will try to concentrate on me.

That's good to hear FightingBack. Please make YOURSELF your top priority. I know that's easy to say, and not quite so easy to do if you've never been the type to - but it is time for you to put yourself first.


You don't have to dance to anyone else's tune but your own, and you don't have to conform to any time limits on your healing or on your long-term decisions either. Just concentrate on you for now.


We're all here if you need us. ((FightingBack))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:52 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think I am co-dependent, just finding it difficult to accept that he is not who I thought he was and wrapping my head around the fact that our history together was not real.

This is the hardest part of the whole A thing for those of us who have spent our whole adult lifetime with someone who betrays us . I have been with my H for almost 40 years and he has had 2 As with the OW
(a girlfriend from before us...yes that long ago)over the past 25 years...I found out that she existed just 4 years ago.It changes your history...forces you to examine your whole life. I don't think I will ever wrap my mind around it, but we all need to be in a place where we can live with it and keep our sanity. My sanity began when I acceted that I can't change him, but I can change ME. So many on SI say who is this person...where is the husband/wife I married? I did the same thing...then it struck me...he is the same person...I just did not see who he was. It is much easier now that I have accepted that and accepted that he can't give me anything more than he is. That is not to say that he is not trying in his own way...he is...or that I won't leave if he ever has contact with her again...I will.But my energy does not go into trying to make him understand anymore...he can't or won't...my energy is focused on making new insights about me and making my life what I want it to be.


Posts: 576 | Registered: Nov 2010
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It IS easier to hate him sometimes b/c loving him makes me feel vulnerable.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Nov 2010
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FB it sounds like you are stuck with believing or not believing that he could not have love for his AP after 15 years...those are his words and as u know cheaters lie, lie, lie,....with that said stop asking that question out loud or to him because it really doesnt matter does it??? The fact of the matter is he cheated...for many.... years... The question really should be 'how should YOU proceed with that
knowledge'

Take care of yourself


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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