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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Overwhelmed
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After every couple of days I feel overwhelemd .. thinking after all that I have done why is he still around... Even though he isnt decided on R or D .. the fact is still here overwhelms me .. We have started having some normal moments but those send me down the spiral of shame and guilt....

I dont deserve him ...All those successful R stories seem fake to me. When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it. Who can be happy with such a past

Today I so depressed and spiraling down badly.


Why is he still around... I asked him and he says he hasnt decided yet and due to family pressure is he still around. This hurts a bit. And still his hugs and care makes me wanna kill myself knowing the hurt I have inflicted on him.

I dont know if I will ever have a peace of mind or will be able to look in the mirror. with/without him.


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he still around

Because that is his choice. You could be perfect from now on, yet he leaves. You could remain wayward, yet he stays. It is his choice.

You need to keep working on yourself, regardless.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it. Who can be happy with such a past

Our DDays aren't too far apart and I feel much the same way. I don't really see how our marriage will ever be truly clean and sweet again. It just seems impossible.

BUT. If there's one thing I know, it's that there is a lot of truth and wisdom on SI. So even though it's hard to believe it's possible, I am trusting in those who say it is. And that with more of that four letter word that we all hate, it can happen.

This really helps keep me going and I hope it helps you. Try not to think so much about WHY he is still around and just be glad he is.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All those successful R stories seem fake to me. When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it. Who can be happy with such a past

Why would we lie? Why would we be on a site like SI at all? I don't mean that as a 2X4 or a dig or anything negative at all. I have been a WW, I have been an OW, I have been a BW, and I have experienced all sorts of pain from FOO issues, abuse, rape, drug addiction... and I am standing. I am here to tell you that recovery is possible. Healing is possible. Happiness is possible. Even for me. Even for you. There is no reason in the world for me to tell you that, unless it was true.

You're in the pit right now. But there is hope ahead. You just have to hold on, keep doing the hard work and have faith that your healing will come.

On a stormy night, with clouds in the way, you can't see the stars. But they didn't cease to exist. You know they are still there. Right now, you're in a stormy night. Just trust that the stars are still there.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a very difficult and confusing time for you. Here is a prayer that might help:

" God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

This has helped me in moments like this. The people who are in successful R can achieve happiness because of they have the serenity, courage and wisdom. We can have this too if we work towards it. I think that your BS is working towards this which is why he is still around. Please be kind to your self. We cannot change the past but we can choose to be a decent and good person at every moment. Take care.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All those successful R stories seem fake to me. When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it. Who can be happy with such a past

Come on EF, that's crap and you know it. You have been here long enough to know that the people in successful R have worked hard on themselves and their M. There are even some here that have worked hard despite D. It's possible to be happy again. But you saying otherwise is like a child throwing a tantrum.

I get that you are stuck in the self pitying and shame spiral. There is a reason for it. What is your pay off for being in this stage? What exactly are you getting out of it? Do you feel that if you beat yourself up enough it demonstrates how sorry you are and that is good enough? That if you show how bad you feel about yourself CL will reach out and tell you that everything is OK? That if you post on SI how bad you feel that other members will coddle you? It doesn't work that way. You need to find other coping mechanisms.

You know how you can be happy again? Fix the parts that are broken and be consistent with positive actions. Whether it not CL is a part of that should not matter when it comes to working on you. Yes, be cognoscente of his pain but you can't let that paralyze you from doing what's important and that's working on you.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 685 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All those successful R stories seem fake to me. When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it. Who can be happy with such a past

Who can be happy? Well, a lot of people. They have done a lot of work in order to get there though. They needed to have great communication with each other in order to get there.

I don't really see how our marriage will ever be truly clean and sweet again. It just seems impossible.

Honestly, you will never get that clean and sweet feeling in your relationship again. I lost the innocence in my relationship with my husband and it sucks. But that doesn't mean that we aren't happy. Sure it has taken a lot of work and communication to get where we are now but we have come a long way. We (mainly me) still have a lot of work to do in our relationship but we are getting through it and it is making us stronger. We are slowly getting to where we want to be in life. We are working so that we can finally live a normal life again.

All I have to say is that nothing is impossible. You just have to set your mind to it. Saying that something is impossible is giving up. You don't want to give up on your relationship, so don't say it is impossible.

HFSSC, I totally agree with you. Why would we be on SI if it was a lie?


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All those successful R stories seem fake to me. When people sya they r reslly happy in their R, I dont beleive it.
You're right EF. SI exists because there are over 30,000 people jerking your chain telling you that R is possible. It's really not. Every member here is lying and making up a story that they can recover from infidelity. Do you really believe that? You think all these people would sit around on a website, shooting the breeze, making up stories about R and how they are healing?

First you were scared to death that CL would leave. You posted about how you couldn't live without him, you would cease to have a reason to live, that life would suck without him, you HAD to have him. You HAD to R with him. It was all about you and what you wanted.

Now you don't? Now you don't deserve him, he's better off without you, he stays because of family pressure, and you should go eat worms and die? Again, all about you. Poor you. You're getting something out of the pity party.

Didn't you want him to touch and comfort you? Well, he is according to you now. Isn't that what you wanted? First he was repulsed by you, couldn't hardly look at you. You were devastated. Now he touches you and cares, and you're still all bent out of shape.

I get that you are stuck in the self pitying and shame spiral. There is a reason for it. What is your pay off for being in this stage? What exactly are you getting out of it?
Bingo. I'm not going to hug you and tell you R and healing is possible. You already know that EF. You can read.

What do you want EF? Do you want to be healthy or not?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody …

Slowly I m finding out the puzzle pieces and every discovery of a distorted belief/behavioral pattern throws me down the spiral. Each discovery makes me wanna question why people in my life r still around me.. not only CL…
I m just so disappointed in myself ..

I have always loved CL.. I always wanted to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. It kills me to see he doubts that .. Not that I blame him but still..

Yesterday night he raged for hrs.. said he doesn’t love me at all.. doesn’t feel like touching me … is trapped with me .. is spending time with me till the time eventually he gathers the courage to D. Every bit of it hurt. Today morning he makes chocolate milk for me, waits for me and accompanies me on my way to office ..(after a looooong time)
Its all very confusing/exhausting …

I m scared of the baggage our relationship will always have.. hell I am scared of the baggage my life will always have ..

I guess the payoff is – it keeps me from finding other ugly truths about me .. Each new discovery makes me look at my life n proves what a failure I have been … aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg

I keep wondering why my family/friends are around me .. who would want to be with such a jerk… I am so angry/disappointed/disgusted with myself.. everytime I gather myself together and boom.. I find a new distorted belief/behavioral pattern .. and that send me down the spiral again!!!


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is still with you because there is still love for you. No one would stay otherwise.

My FWH has asked me the same question. Why are you here? How can you still love me?

I answer the same every time. I am here because I love you and if I didn't it wouldn't hurt so much.

I am 18 months past DDay. It is a hell of a roller coaster ride. We are in R and doing much better.

I won't lie and say it's been easy because it has not but it has been worth it.

Checkout the timeline for healing in the just found out forum. It outlines the various feelings your husband is most likely struggling with.

I know you are in pain as well. Through time, you have to learn to forgive yourself. You can't change the past but you can learn from it.

Reassure your husband every chance you get that you will never hurt him again.

Ask him what he needs from you to feel safe? What you can do to help him through today. And from time to time thank him for still being there. Humility and acknowledgment of the situation and pain go a long way toward healing.

I am hoping you are seeking IC. You need this to understand why you chose to cheat. It will also demonstrate to your husband that you want to be a better person.

MC in the cards?

Good luck to you. Sending you healthy hugs.

Keep moving.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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