Please don't come at R from a place of desperation. Nobody envisions having a child of D, but IMO that's better than going into the rest of your M letting him call the shots rather than setting out your deal breakers and boundaries and standing strong so he either agrees or leaves.
Read the BS FAQs #11 in the Healing Library. Do the 180 to help get emotional strength.
What were the consequences of him breaking NC? Having a continued A? Whatever they were, stick by them. Even if its to file for D. You can also stop the process or remarry him. What you can't do is make him take you seriously if you keep redrawing your line in the sand...as BS's, we tend to do that initially.
Get tested for STDs, even the ones they don't normally test for. Out the A to the OWs BH or BBF if she has one. Decide what your WH needs to do to earn his way back into the M. I'd start with find a new job.
More people will be along to give better advice.
I'm so sorry you're back here with this news when you should be having a wonderful time of growing into motherhood and building a family.
Now more than ever before you are going to have to harness your emotions, and start being really practical and smart about your next steps, for your sake and for the baby.
- how is he behaving right not?
- is the affair ongoing?
If yes: hard 180. See lawyer, look into the financial implications of divorce right now, including child support.
If no: same as above. You will need all that information to make informed decisions, should you decide to leave.
Can you seek out counseling? That would be really helpful at this point. IMO it should be for you alone, not couples counseling.
I know you know this, but make sure to take care of yourself physically. If you aren't sleeping, you might want to mention that to your dr. at your next appointment.
There are worse things in the world than being a single mom. Like going through the first year of your babies life with an unremorseful spouse who is having an affair.
I'm so sorry he's been such a dick, during a time when you should have been enjoying your pregnancy.
For now, focus on your health and the health of your baby. Keep eating. You don't want to lose 30 lbs. like I did.
And like I said in another post, if he's not fully NC then make sure the OW's significant other knows everything. For me, both parties knowing about the affair ended everything between the wayward spouses.
Give it time and don't make any rash decisions. Like I said earlier you'll know when enough is enough.
I have his child growing inside me, his name, a life with him
After Dday, I was totally numb too, angry for a while, but then just dove into trying to fix our marriage for the sake of our small children. My WH said he wanted to be married and so I just blindly went with it. It was WAY too easy, and I basically ended up giving him a free pass to continue to lie to me, lie to the MC and keep up the selfish behavior that led to the A. He was cheating anymore, but our marriage was still destroyed and no one was healing.
You have to shift your mindset away from him and toward protecting yourself and your baby. This is what the 180 is all about.
If your WH is a man you truly want to be married to, he will do the work needed, you will see the changes and you will then be able to move into MC. Don't rush it.
By the way, I'm 6 months pregnant too, and understand well how vulnerable you are feeling. Take care of yourself.
For the record, he was going to counseling about 4-5 months ago but stopped because he said he didn't like the counselor and he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it
[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009
he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it
Maybe because he was still lying to you and not putting in the work? He isn't going to get shit out of a situation like that. He was probably lying to the IC, too.
she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...
Sounds good to me. WH needs IC but he needs to WANT IC because of what happened last time. If he's half-assing it, it is just a waste of money. Normally, I would recommend lots of IC before MC but you have a baby on the way. Even strong marriages are rocked by a child.
I am so sorry.
You can pretty much bet that this:
But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him.
is not true. She's likely to take it as a challenge and try to get him to leave her. I hope for your sake that's not true, but be sure to watch your WH's ACTIONS and don't just listen to his WORDS.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!