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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm back
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want some seriously good advice, Walk out. Just pick up your purse and some clothes and go stay with a family member or friend.

My husband had an LTA that started before we even married. If I'd figured it out with one kid -- I would be totally gone. Probably even with 2.

But either way, here's why you walk out in your situation. Because he's remorseless and he needs to know you're dead serious. Total NC. No info about you, the baby, anything. Have him served too. I was 5 months pregnant (with my 4th) on Dday, and my WH wasn't sure I was going to let him come to the birth until we got up that morning.

I have a friend whose husband was hooking up with an exGF while she was pregnant with the first and when the baby was small, she left him with their 6 week old baby and went total NC for 9 weeks. Stayed with her Mom. She took him back but it was a whole list of hoops to jump through, and she still doesn't share finances with him (13 years later).

You have to say, look, you might not respect me, this woman or yourself, but I respect me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to say, look, you might not respect me, this woman or yourself, but I respect me.

I completely agree with the above, you are no ones second choice.


Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses...to top it all off, when I got home last night, the OW had punched her hand through the front living room window of my house, then spent the whole night trying to get my husband to feel sorry for the fact that she had to get stitches (he gave me his phone to begin the NC contract we created). She was also at the same time texting me that he kept calling her to check on her (I had his phone and he was sitting across from me) to try to upset me, and texting me abusive things...so now not only do I have to deal with the emotional trauma of the affair, but I have to fear my safety as well.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. That's criminal damage and harassment, please call the police!

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I'm sorry you are in this situation.

When you had the issues, did you set firm boundaries? Are you following through with the consequences?

#1 Your WH is a piece of shit. He has an affair and then, even though discovered, continues to hurt you over and over again while starting a family with you.

#2 The police need to be called asap. There is absolutely no excuse for not reporting this woman - do not let her think this can go on.

#3 Set firm boundaries - he so much as flinches and you should throw his sorry ass out the door.

You are in no condition to put up with this crap. Put a stop to it now.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he clearly is a piece of shit...I don;t know what happened to the man I fell in love with and decided to marry. He has some serious issues that ned to be sorted out. I haven't called the cops yet because for some godawful reason I'm on the fence about it- I don't want to start a war with this woman when its my husband who's to blame...despite her psychotic and immature behavior, I don't want to get sucked into her behavior and start blameshifting. I did let her know that she needs to pay for the window or I will contact the cops but I don't know if that will happen.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer other questions, boundaries were not enforced the first time. I blame myself for that. I tried to sweep it all under the rug and hope it would just go away...how naive I was...a no contact contract has now been signed, I have all passwords, and I have his phone for now as well.

I now see the OW is trying to convince me to leave him as well by making up things (see above) so I'd prefer to just have control over all contact she tries to make with either of us.

He is not going to work today and am helping him write a letter of resignation later on. Then we'll have to take it from there- this is the last kind of stress I needed while 6 months pregnant.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Please don't do this. Call the police. NOW. She is clearly unstable..and you are pregnant.

Yes...you're WH is ultimately responsible for his actions..absolutely. But,honey,she is also responsible for her actions. She is not a child. She is a 25 year old woman who had an affair with a married man. Yes,she said she was disgusted with him,and yes,she sent you emails and texts he sent her...but she also is lying to you about him contacting her when he is right next to you and you know it's not true..she showed up at your house and broke a window...those are not the actions of an innocent woman who found out her boyfriend was/is married. This woman is desperate to get your WH's attention,and has shown you she can be violent...what she did is bad enough,but it can,and very well might escalate if you don't act right NOW. You can NOT be passive. You are responsible for protecting your sweet baby,and yourself. You must go to the police.

Im so sorry he has done this again. You need to stand up,pull your bitch boots on,and take control of this situation...either he does A,B,C,etc,or her gets the Hell out. if you are too passive he will walk all over you.

Big hugs. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Im alarmed at the behavior of the OW,and Im worried about/for you.


(((((jojo)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply- you weren't too harsh. I think what also is stopping me from calling the cops is I feel bad for her...I know how manipulative he can be, and she is clearly hurt. Of course, I would never behave the way she did, even though I was the one who really got fucked up by this situation, but do I really want this poor girl to get her heart broken and get arrested in the same 2 days? I know it sounds crazy- you never know how you will act in a situation until it happens to you.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. I think what also is stopping me from calling the cops is I feel bad for her...I know how manipulative he can be, and she is clearly hurt. Of course, I would never behave the way she did, even though
I was the one who really got fucked up by this situation, but do I really want this poor girl to get her heart broken and get arrested in the same 2 days? I know it sounds crazy- you never know how you will act in a situation until it happens to you.

I am not trying to be harsh but HUH?!?!? I think you are projecting how you would be as this young woman, she is clearly not the naive young flower you want her to be. She is a master manipulator in training. Believ me I dealt with her grown-up version. She has agoal that is to get into your head & wreak havoc on you. She can then say you ended the marriage she was just a bystander.

MY OWDBC would do the same thing, call me & tell me he was with her - umm he's sitting right here She would tell me where he was & what he was texting her, all of it untrue.

You need to NC her ass now. Block her phone, email etc... Now that they won't be in any contact for work why not? Also I would warn her next contact will result in police report & harasssment order. The ball is then in her court, she can tae the responsibilty if she does it again.

I wish you all the luck in the world.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you that's good advice- I will let her know that if she contacts me again. I got all the info I needed from her so I have no need to hear from her again, especially because she kept texting me last night telling me I'm ugly and not a real woman.

[This message edited by jojo42 at 8:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT - please don't let her in your head. You are more of a real woman than she will ever aspire to be. Real women don't lie, cheat & hurt.

{{{{jojo}}}}


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can empathize with you, feeling bad that your WH deceived the OW, but the truth is they all deceive the OW and the BS, I feel sorrier for you, you didn't deserve this nor ask for it, your WH knew what he was doing, he needs to man up

I think that it should be your WH that phones the police to have her charged, after all he is the one that brought the OW into your life, in a bad way

If he calls then he is showing accountability to you for bringing crazy into your life at such a delicate time

All this added stress is not good for you and the baby,

He needs to man up, and put you and your unborn child first, I don't think that you should have to help him write his resignation letter, you didn't cause this problem he did, if you are always going to take care of things for him, what is he going to learn from this horrible experience, besides, he can do what he wants and you will clean up the mess, he needs to clean up the mess that his infidelity has caused, not you

If he won't call the police then I sure hope that you do, the crazy other woman could have thrown a rock threw the window, but no she is crazy enough to use her own hand, she is unstable, and if your WH won't then you need too, please protect the innocent baby that you are carrying, you don't know what this crazy OW will do


Posts: 379 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have any family close by? Some place safe where you can stay for a few days? Your WH's OW is *UNSTABLE* and you can't ration with crazy. You are not in a safe place right now.
She punched her hand through a window = crazy. She's harassing you = crazy. You feel sorry for her because he lied to her? She knew he was married. She knew he wasn't divorced. Well she knows the truth now and look what she's trying to do!
A rational woman does not behave this way. You are pregnant and your situation is not safe.

I agree about the work situation - if she's contacting you from a work account, forward them to her boss. If you are afraid a restraining order will only increase her behavior, then at the very least go to your local police station and explain the situation. Show them the texts, tell them about the window. They will advise you on how best to handle it.
Not only that, they will then have a heads up and understand what is really going on if she shows up at your house again and you call 911.

I can't imagine going through this and being six months pregnant. Try to stay healthy. Drink ensure or smoothies if your appetite is decreasing and drink lots of water. Make sure you're taking pre-natal vitamins and big HUGE hugs to you....


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your support and advice. I will go to the police station today.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good! You must protect yourself and your child..not feel sorry for the OW.

(((jojo)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this economy I would think twice about giving up his job.

If he doesn't have the common sense to stay away from her, then you'll need his child support after you divorce him.

If he does stay away from her, you need the income.

Just my two cents.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, yes, please go to the police. When people harass and feel empowered to do things like smash property, my experience is it can escalate pretty quickly. It sucks, but is true, that unless you document, document, document it, the police aren't as awesome at being proactive as they should be.

I know you feel bad for her, but who's more vulnerable, her or your baby? Yep, the baby. Easy decision. Also, by taking concise action, you're also giving your husband context of just how bad the whole situation is.

No doubt, he's still all fogged up and in denial - to whatever degree - and has minimized the situation and his involvement for a long, long time.

This will help him measure the depths to which he's dragged your lives.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your support


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH cheated when our youngest was 3 months, so I know a bit how you feel.

To be honest, if you have good supports, being a single mom is doable. I lived with my parents for a year after my oldest was born. Saved my sanity since he was super colicky. I actually enjoyed being a single mom, though I think that's cause the bio dad had NC with us, so I got to make all the decisions.

Not sure where you live, but if you want to move (like to another state, for example), doing it before the baby is easier. When you have a CO, it's harder to move away.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
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