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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did they immediately give up the OP?
getting_stronger
♀ Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants. I keep torturing myself looking at call logs.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He immediately gave her up. There has been NC since the day I discovered it.

Of course, TT taught us that my husband had a second mistress named "pornography" and that just came to light last night. Time will tell if she goes away immediately or not.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Within minutes of me finding out about the A and packing up our kids and leaving, my WH emailed OW and told her they would no longer be in touch. Four months later when he told me the whole truth regarding the extent of the A he also admitted that although he was NC he was still fantasizing about OW during that time.

Going NC is an important and necessary first step, but I learned the hard way that having it doesn't necessarily give you R.

I'm sorry your WS is torturing you like this. I can't imagine being so hurtful to another person.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH gave up AP immediately without me asking. I threw him out, he wouldn't go. MOW was texting and skyping him non-stop, unaware of what was going on. He never responded to her.

36 hours later I relented, agreed to attempt R and a NC email was sent.

During that 36 hours he had not responded to a single one of her contact attempts, even though usually the only time they went more than 20 minutes without "chatting" was the 6-7 hours during the night that MOW was asleep.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((getting_stronger)))

This should not be his choice to make. This is YOUR choice. Do you want to be with a man with a mistress or not? Cause right now he has one.

If you do not want to be in a 3-way relationship, then I suggest you wage a shock and awe campaign. 180 him. File for divorce. You can find someone new who is not a cakeeater.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my D-day, my FWH gave up the OW immediately. I know the OW's BH knew something more was going on months before. It wasn't until I also found out that my FWH went NC.

My advice to you...if the OW has a significant other and he doesn't know about the A, I would call him and tell him the truth. IMO it's your best shot at NC and getting your WH out of the fog.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
tryinghard2013
♀ Member
Member # 37981
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine called her immediatelyvon speaker phone and told her it was the second biggest mistake in his life (his affair was with his ex wife) the first was ever marrying her but it was instant no contact from that day however we did have to put an order of protection on her cause she wouldn't go away.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH dumped her immediately as his AP but not as his boss on potential future projects, that took another 2.5 months.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WF was not attached to any of them at all. I don't think he even remembers their names (thank god).

In the past, I have found that a lot of the time, they don't immediately cut to OP off- and some will do a slow faze-out, while others don't even do that.

Sounds like your H is still very much in a fog. Why are you letting him live with you if he doesn't know what he wants to do?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He dumped her on D-day (WH confessed). There was no love between them (so he says) and it was just sex, so he says there isn't anything to miss.

If he hadn't dumped her I would have dumped him...end of story.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 457 | Registered: Apr 2012
crestfallen
♀ Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband called OW next morning and claimed to dump her like a hot potatoe, but continued to respond to her phone calls for another 7 months for fear of being vulnerable. He was her boss...

I call it bullshit! I can't stand him!


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Mar 2010
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you can actually be in R unless the OP is completely out of the picture.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1773 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only did he dump her, he told me he was "relieved" that I found out as he was trying to end it. (I was less than thrilled that he made it sound as if I helped him.)

I cannot understand how you tolerate contact for well over a year. It may be time to rethink how you're approaching this. It sounds as if he really did a number on you. I hope you find the strength you need to get out of the nightmare you're living.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 994 | Registered: Mar 2012
allfalldown
♀ Member
Member # 39324
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOW sent WH a NC which ended their A. He has not seen her but I know he still hasn't given her up in his mind...


Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H took it underground for a month. Upon discovering their continued relationship AND how it was a lot more involved than he originally confessed, I turned all business and rationally discussed separation and divorce. THAT was when he went NC to an extreme. Took a 6 week leave of absence from work - sent NC text - changed phone number....

I firmly believe you have to shock them into the reality of their situation. My H told me that had I taken a hardline after Dday 1 - he would have ended it immediately. Of course - I didn't take a hard line because he'd only given me the vanilla version of the EA.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants.

This was infuriating to read. I don't know what he wants, but what deserves is to be tossed out on his ass. Easy for me to say, I know. I wish you the best.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1319 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to R despite his needing time to make a decision, that's fine. Lots of us here have accepted shit that others could not imagine. 2nd D-Days, underground As ("at least" you know he is still in contact with her), addiction, etc. Its your choice.

However, I think the others are right that you shouldn't consider yourself in R right now. You're not even one step into it because he's "deciding." Nor should you expect this cake-eating/3-way relationship to end unless YOU end it. Toss his ass. 180. Get healthy so that, if/when he comes back, you're in a clearer state of mind to make the decision to R if that's what you really want. Staying where you are isn't going to get you any closer to R.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I discovered the A, WH was at work. I told him not to come home unless he was completely done with OW. He threw her under the bus without a second thought.

When she started fishing, WH blocked her number and email. We wrote an NC letter and he sent it. Then, OW showed up at his work. He didn't say a word to her. She followed him to his car crying hysterically and tried to prevent him from leaving. He ignored her, got in his car and drove home. She had colleagues and even her mom try to contact him. They all got NC.

WH was so relieved to be rid of her.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?

Married people have already decided. When WS's are confused about who they want, they are no longer married in their hearts. Make it official and file for divorce. (I know, easier said than done, but I am pissed for you, getting_stronger!!)


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
getting_stronger
♀ Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. We definitely aren't in R yet, I know. I was just curious.

I know I need to be strong, 180 him and protect myself. But I can't. I know, pathetic. We've been down this road before, and I want the chance to fix it the way we should have before. If then my marriage fails, then I know I did everything possible,

This just really sucks.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. My WH#2 did not give up the OW on DDay#1. He pretended to go NC, then took it underground for almost another year until she outed him again. This time I have done more with his consequences if he breaks NC again or has another affair, we are through. He no longer has a choice when it comes to me. With that said, if he had ever said he was trying to decide between us, I would have filed for D immediately. He doesn't get to choose between his wife and his GF. I will make that choice for him because I damn sure don't want anyone that doesn't want me. Like I told him, if he wants her, don't let the door hit him in the ass as he leaves. You do not deserve to be treated in this disrespectful manner, nobody does. Until you say stop he will continue to cake eat and you will continue to be hurt and confused. Put your foot down and tell him it stops now!!! You can do it and it might make him pull his head out of his ass.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 56
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