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User Topic: Did they immediately give up the OP?
♀ Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second time yes. He gave up everyone that was involved with his twisted little games. I still feel bad about that, it does bother me, that life long friendships he doesn't have anymore.


Him not giving up the OW must be so hard on you. Stay strong!

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. They ended the affair before I discovered it. But they thought they could go back go being friends. We are almost three months out and they texted as recently as this past week.

I'm almost certain it'll be done after the events of today though.

Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, because they were such good, special friends. And coworkers. Not until she started going bunny boiler. And I emailed her to stay away from my house and kid. CC'd her BH.

We did not truly start R until then.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 9:44 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the course of about 9 months after DDay, I begged, pleaded, yelled, and WW and OM remained in contact with each other (despite the fact he had filed a police report on her).
I finally got the balls to move forward with divorce (I asked OM for advice, hehe) and the affair ended within a couple of days.

Lesson: don't tolerate it. If he doesn't want to end contact, move on.

Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not. He was insurance against being alone. I sat on the fence for about 6 weeks until my BH and I had a discussion where he told me he knew if I didn't choose us that he'd move on, find love and be happy again. That was my wake up call.

I knew I had issues and I was working on them in IC, but that conversation showed me how serious my H was about leaving if I didn't make up my mind. I hate that I did that to him. Right after that talk, I sent a NC letter to the OP and R started in earnest.

Through the next several years the OP did try to contact me. I told my H right away and we handled it together.

It's been almost 10 years since the A and we are happy together and fully reconciled. In spite of the fact that I didn't immediately end things, we still worked hard to reconcile and have a really great life now. It is possible.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23488 | Registered: May 2004
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was not an issue for us.

OW#1 my H tried to end contact with her several times but she would weasel her way in through his sister. I think he was afraid I would find out if he came out and told her no.

OW#2 She was already fired from work 6 months prior to me finding out. I discovered when she sent a message on FB telling about the A. She was pissed that we were happy and I was pregnant. Her fiance broke up with her that day.

From what I have read on here making them decide helps a lot. I would stand firm on this.

Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!

Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not in R, but tried to R with a remorseless soul.
The bond between OM and exW grew stronger and stronger.
They made plans to make a fool of me. Enjoyed countering my moves. Replying nastily to my legal notices. I imagined them sitting together with her lawyer and OM suggesting answers to my questions.
They thought I was playing tough to get and was on a mission to make a big scene.
Well the movie got over with a D so deal with it smarty pants.

D was the only thing that make reality hit hard.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beats the heck out of me. Clearly I had no idea what he was up to, so how do I know if it was immediate, or even if she's truly out of the picture now?

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH told me he tried to end the A several times before I found out. He told me he was not in contact with her a week after DDay. Almost a year after DDay I found an e-mail dated 3 months after DDay which proved he lied. He said he finally ended all contact about a month after the email I found. I suspected he was still in contact by his behavior. Our R did not officially start until about 4 four months after he said all contact ended. We couldn't R if WS was still in contact with AP. It took that long for him get his head out of a$$. We finally went to MC and that has helped the process of R. It has been a rollercoaster.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband called OW next morning and claimed to dump her like a hot potatoe, but continued to respond to her phone calls for another 7 months for fear of being vulnerable. He was her boss...

I call it bullshit! I can't stand him!

Same here! WH was MOW's boss. Claimed to end A, but broken NC in both person and phone was caught by me again and again

WH claims that he was worried she would sue for sexual harassment and he felt sorry for her.

This is what I still have trouble getting past in R and may eventually be a dealbreaker for me.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get to choose between his wife and his GF. I will make that choice for him because I damn sure don't want anyone that doesn't want me.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. D-day was July 4, 2012, he continued contact with OW until the end of October when I caught them in our local pub together. He was lying to both of us the entire time--telling her that he was divorcing me, and telling me that he wanted nothing to do with her. He was also nursing her though her suicide threats and her own father's A.

He really thought he could take his sweet time and decide who was going to make him happier (i.e. who would validate his ego more), and that we would just both patiently wait for our golden prize.

Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting_stronger, I sent you a PM.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Instantly.

He gave me all his affair phones and we took out the batteries almost immediately after discovery. We had a few odd calls (one was a phony "survey" and some weird hang-ups from that area code) on the land line over the next year but I answered the phone each time and shut them down. He has had absolutely no interest in the AP whatsoever for the 29 months since Dday. I have researched the AP intensively and know so much more about her than he does and he has no interest. It's sick but I'm grateful for this. How can someone be willing to risk 29 years of marriage for an AP and yet treat them as a nothing? He knows that I'm done if there is any contact.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes she did, and without prompting from me. My heart goes out to you - they just don't understand the hurt it causes when they protect the AP over the person they were supposed to love. He needs a wakeup call yesterday.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. My WH#2 did not give up the OW on DDay#1. He pretended to go NC, then took it underground for almost another year until she outed him again. This time I have done more with his consequences if he breaks NC again or has another affair, we are through. He no longer has a choice when it comes to me.

Pretty much the same as the above although we were S during the time he took their A underground.

As soon as I knew it hadn't ended my pathetic "staying nice in the hopes of loving him back" stance was smashed to bits. I put my big girl pants on and my bitch boots and went NC with FWH, initiated D and outed him to everybody who had 2 ears!!!

De fog that mofo and don't play nice thinking this will win him back. It won't!! He'll just play you all the more as he will see a pushover!!

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, immediately. But, it was clear from me that there would be no 3rd "friend" in our marriage.
It won't end until you say it does. Take the risk, get to the attorney, and in your case, I would say file right away. As others will tell you, you don't have to follow through unless he still refuses to give up AP.
Don't let this abuse, and it is, to you, continue. Please get some help, Now.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
♀ Member
Member # 32289
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day I found out about the A, I kicked him out. I absolutely thought it was over. The next morning we texted for a few minutes and then he asked if he could call. He did. I said the only condition I had in order to try again would be if he gave up all contact forever with ow. He was shocked. But it yanked him out of the fog so quickly. Within hours, he sent her a NC contact email, which I read before he sent. This was all before I found SI. There has been nc ever since. It's been over two years. A roller coaster ride, for sure, but we are getting better and better.
There was no way I was going to be anyone's plan B - if he'd wanted her, there would have been no R.

YOU decide, don't let him call the shots here.

Posts: 145 | Registered: May 2011 | From: New York
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is that how your R will go (or not go) depends on how your WS acts in the first weeks and months. I believe that our WS either get it right away ON THEIR OWN or they never will. I feel it is a big RED FLAG that your WS is not immediately seeing what they are about to loose and making a FAST U-turn and working frantically to make it right soas to not loose you.

Of those WS who *get it* later I oftimes wonder if what they say or do is not an act. I wonder if they are not their natural unremorseful cake eating self then see that their BS is moving perhaps toward D. Then they see that a act of pretending is what is necessary to keep the status quo. I am there for wary of WSs that do not get it immediately.

My WW was like this. No remorse or empathy. Right after dday I was blamed for her actions and told to get over it. Eventually when she saw that was not working she tried an act of sympathy and sorrow. Her sorrow was always for her self though.

So be careful. A WS that does not get it immediately maybe never will.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know I need to be strong, 180 him and protect myself. But I can't. I know, pathetic.

Gently here - it's not that you can't, it's that you won't. A huge difference. IMO if that does not change, not much will.

Take of yourself and those who show love to you. Your H isn't. Sorry hon. Start making plans for yourself.

My WW gave him up right away because I was so angry I would have gone nuclear and she knew it. I told her mom, her boss, OM's W and my WW's friends. I It was simply not on me and if she was going to be a jackass I wanted everyone to know who she was. I highly recommend it.

take care...

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
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