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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did they immediately give up the OP?
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants.

This is exactly what I was told and what I lived for over 6 months. I was terrified to press the decision in case it was OW, not me, for whom he decided.

The upshot? To this day, I do not feel he's here for me. We actually had a discussion last night. He asked me if I felt loved. Nope, not loved nor safe, because loving me in his world wasn't enough to "decide what he wants", didn't prevent the A, and is absolutely no inoculation (let alone guarantee) against it happening again.

Hon, don't do this to yourself. Stand up and make the decision, rather than waiting for him to choose. Take back the power. It will be an incredible source of self-respect for you, and will start you on your healing.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 35
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
uniquenewyork
♂ Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope.
2nd to last OM, she said all the right things while maintaining contact. Busted her breaking NC MANY times. Once it got too inconvenient for her, she gave up (sorta) and started another affair with latest OM.
They continue to work together and have daily contact. She can't (won't?) give up her job to be in NC...


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Flame  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've had an account here since 2011.

I fully understand how hard it is when you've been emotionally beaten down for a long time. But you need to focus on yourself. Start with the 180 (BS FAQs 11).

Tell yourself over and over...you are not an option.

You're not some toy he gets to buy then return then buy again when he's bored. Not a kitten to be picked from a box of other free kittens.

You are the person he vowed to love and be faithful to forever. If he's not choosing to honor that vow then he's choosing to not be M. Now you need to choose you.

BTDT- being a doormat gets you nowhere but walked all over. Stop saying it's hard and start taking every little damn baby step you can.

I am so sad to see that you're accepting this treatment. Please stop. It won't happen in a day but you can work your way towards valuing yourself enough...and who knows, maybe that will make him see your value too. Or maybe not, but at some point you won't care because you'll know your worth.

He sure as heck never will as long as you're showing him you're going to accept this mental abuse and pretty much beg for more.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH dumped OP on D-Day.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the bull by the horn, you make the choice.


Posts: 7272 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
getting_stronger
♀ Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't necessarily say he's trying to decide between me and her. Right now, he's trying to decide if we could ever repaire the damage we've caused to one another. We've both always just rug swept our problems instead of working on them. There are years of scars and walls built up because of the pain we've both caused.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has to want to repair the damage enough to go NC with the OW. You can't start healing and repairing while he actively continues to break and wreak havoc on you and your marriage.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont think that these affairs are ever really "just about sex." they say that to make the BS feel better....and because they are shame (for getting caught) and causing so much damage that they try to minimize the relationship. fact is that...when they have the affair...they are in it head on, and know exactly what they are doing and are willing to take major risk to be with the OP. so, when they get caught....no, i dont think they really give them up immediately. i think they tell us that...out of all the shock and shame....but in their heads...the OP is still there. that is why i think 99 percent of the time there is still contact, until the reality of the situation comes into play...and then it quickly dies...as most affairs do in the light.

when my wh affair was exposed...and everyone knew, and she shared all the details by calling me...the families knew...it was all out there in the light...and we were separated because of it....and all the pain was out there....the affair died. there were a few text between the 2 of them initially....and then after that we went nc.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, no.
I bought the whole "just friends" and WH promised he would never speak to her again.
A month later, I learned they had taken it underground.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
smittennomore
♀ Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes... and no.

WH immediately stopped the affair, I spoke to her by phone to tell her that I knew, he officially ended it with her over the phone the next morning with me standing there, and then a very strict NC email was sent. However, he still worked with her (although he took a one month leave of absence). He saw her on three different occasions and struggled with going NC mentally. He still was sexually attracted to her. That caused me to force him to choose, his job or me. He left his job, the affair was fully outed at the office, which led to him learning all kinds of disgusting things about her and the full realization of who she is as a human being hit him like a 2x4. Didn't take too much longer with some focused work in therapy to go full physical and MENTAL NC.

For me, I was at a point where I was going to leave if he wasn't able to get that figured out.


Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
BW2639
♂ Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She supposedly ( at least I think it was true at the time) gave up the OM when I first found the phone calls. Although, I found out later, that she only confessed to a EA not the PA that it really was. Then he apparently called again after a few months and the PA continued for 3 more years. But as of now, I believe she has indded given up the OM


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2012
keeponkeepingon
♀ Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. MrKOKO told me he loved me but not in love with me. Denied there was another person.

Two weeks later I found out about the OW while he was with her in her state. He told me he was on a business trip with a client. When he came home I told him I would not fight for him and he was free to leave.

We did go to MC and he told me there that he thought that he loved her. I said leave then. He did. We were separated for a year before he finally got his head out of his ass.

She actually broke up with him because he would not D me. She called him up the next day and the next several weeks to restart the affair but he would not. He had been in IC for a while and his IC told him to wait to come to me about R so that I would not feel that he was dumping one to come jump back with another.

Our separation and his contined A has caused so much difficulty in our R process. The treatment after discovery was so much harder to heal from then even the affair itself.

Focus on you and what you want. You deserve more than what he is giving you now.


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. I kicked him out - then on move out day (5 days later) I practically begged him to stay. He left anyway. They were "in lurve".

Their "relationship" came to a halt on its own 5 months later. It was all long distance - texting/chatting/phone anyway. They only saw each other in person 4 days during their 8 month "lurve" affair.

Looking back, that time apart gave him a new perspective on life. He now has a greater appreciation for me/our marriage and he realizes that their relationship was just fantasy-land - an escape from being a husband and father.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He totally NC her immediately. However, she lurked around for about 3 more weeks.

We called her together and told her to leave us the F alone.

That seem to do the trick. Dumb witch.

On another note: (((gently)))
You can not have real R if he is still in contact with her. He is still in an A. Either EA or PA. NC is NC.

I agree with Wary

Stand up and make the decision, rather than waiting for him to choose. Take back the power. It will be an incredible source of self-respect for you, and will start you on your healing.

You deserve to be treated better than an option.

Hang in there and be strong for YOU. You matter.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:08 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((getting_stronger)))

WH took his affair with OW1 underground after DDay 1. I knew they were still in contact, I knew he was still "in love" with her, but I wasn't ready to give up on us. Having experienced "the fog" myself, I knew she was something he could get over if he wanted to.

That said, you need to decide how long you're willing to wait. I stressed and cried and doubted his stories about it being over for about 8 months, right up until DDay #2, when I found hard proof. That was about it for me. The point where I was able to do a 180 and say to myself, I'm going in this direction, and he can either follow me or stay with her. But I will no longer wait around for my husband to act like a husband.

OW2 was dropped immediately, but I think he was pretty keyed into the idea that *IF* I would ever be able to forgive a second affair, then I would need to see immediate attention and action on his part.

Right now, he's trying to decide if we could ever repair the damage we've caused to one another.

This is a valid point, but I would suggest that this is something he needs to figure out on his own. It sounds like you believe you can repair the damage done to each other, so really the question comes down to how long you're willing to wait around for him to decide whether HE thinks what you two have is worth fighting for??


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The affair had ended the day that I found out. MOW was cheating on my WH so he dumped her. She showed up at my house that night. There was no need for my WH to "give up the AP" BUT if this was not the case I would NEVER have allowed my WH time to decide. If he did not beg for a 2nd chance, go 100% NC, and work his ass off to right his wrong then I would show him the door.

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants

^^^Never, ever, ever, ever, ever would I allow such disrespect.

To be in true R the WS must give up the AP, this is not an option.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1974 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants. I keep torturing myself looking at call logs.


If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?[/


There absolutely no R until the OP is gone.

R is a gift from the BS not an option. If the WS can't give up OP then R shouldn't even be an option.

[This message edited by Lucky at 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 56
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