Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: surprised1 (45370)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sex is complicated
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't have sex, off and on , throught he whole marriage...sometimes for years at a time-- horribly painful to me. I am the one who gets the most attention from the opposite sex, but I learned early on to not invite or encourage it.

Then the affairs come out, we had HB. and I released this alter ego of sorts that was much more sexually adventurous, slutty, dirty-talking during sex,...you get the picture.

As I'm coming back to my "healthy" self, those aren't the things I really want. I want to please him, so I do them. I don't trust WH, so I am rarely authentically "into" the new kinky stuff.

As we work toward R, I'm beginning to see that the spiritual connection that's never been betwen us is really important to me. To be carrying on this way in the bedroom would be fine, had we been exploring each other and learning about each other on the journey together all these years.
Instead, I learned new information about sex from my OA, brought it to the bedroom . WH thinks it's great and loves it. And here I am,just wanting a clean, spiritual renewal in my heart and life so I can live honestly with myself.

I'm finding that I can't really talk to him about my feelings without him getting really upset and pouting. The last 3 times that happened, I kind of felt like, well, I'm done. I just don't know how to leave.

He has changed a lot and works hard at the marriage now. But honestly? I feel ripped off that I didn't get what I was promised to begin with ( a faithful, Christian husband)..instead I got a sexually and emotionally rejecting cold person who woke up after 2 affairs with subordinates( that got nice raises out of the deal.) and I'm left feeling like a scared phony...one who pretends she's into it when this way of being and living doesn't suit me at all.
Who knows if this made sense to anyone out there. I'm just glad you're here.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..it sure as hell is!!

..what you became during HB is not relevent to who you really are.

..it was an attempt to reclaim your marriage.. but not your 'normal'.

..my advice is 'be true to yourself' and be the best you can be to yourself.

..you and you alone know yourself best.. so just be who you are. ..stand by your boundaries and your standards.. then you can be proud of yourself.

..

this alter ego of sorts that was much more sexually adventurous, slutty, dirty-talking during sex,...


..not you.. therefore, not healthy for you.

..do not let your WH manipulate you into becoming this 'kinky' BW..in order to promote your 'R' with him..

..make him become the better WH for YOU!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding, smy. Your statements are spot on.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
BW2639
♂ Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont have any advice for you but your post cetainly made me feel sad. I hope it gets better. No one should be made to feel that way...

(((Caldwell)))


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2012
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't much help but my H sexuality is complicated. I M this nurdish sort of guy and we had straight up normal type of sex. Then I find out that he hid porn throughout his life and our 30 y together. Then came the prostitutes and group house parties and wham, who is this guy? He doesn't ask me to do anything uncomfortable in the bedroom, but I want to please him and wonder what he needs. I feel like I can't enjoy sex as much always wondering what he needs and what I feel comfortable with. We rarely talk about it because it makes him upset, has something to do with his childhood. I wonder if there is some sort of compromise? It's hard when you feel you can't talk about it. In my case I am seriously thinking about MC to help.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really understand what your getting at. I think during HB, we are sometimes just holding on by a thread and are willing to conform, hoping that's what's needed to fix things. It isn't though because we aren't the broken ones. I knew ow had been single for awhile and been out in the dating world where I had been with the same man since hi school. I tried to change myself to fit what I thought made him go seeking but it had nothing to do with me and he still would.t cut her loose. I ended up feeling like a fake. I don't have an answer, guess I just wanted to say, your not alone. If I chose to stay with ws, I don't know if he could go back to the man I married. He's deeply addicted to porn and I feel like I don't have what it takes to deal with who he is now.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5143 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Judging from the posts above, sex is not only complicated, but a very painful subject for some of us in the situation.

Does anyone know if there is a thread buried somewhere that deals with aspects of sex after betrayal?

It made my heart ache to read your responses. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you. Sex is very important to me, too, and my W has been afraid of sex all her life (for a good reason, unfortunately).

I urge you to be authentic and to demand authenticity from your H.

Do you see possibilities of your H changing for the better?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I I felt my WH slipping away(the first time) I did some kinky sexual stuff too. Not me and I hated it. But I though I could reall him back by doing that. I lost respect for myself. I was so ANGRY at me and him. Some 1 2 years later I feel pretty good about me and not so good about him. Forgive yourself Caldwell and walk in the light.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same here. We still have sex, but it is not often-it really doesn't mean much to me anymore, it is simply a release.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 4:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
keeponkeepingon
♀ Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all screwed up for me too.

We have had lots of HB too. Not sure if it is even that anymore because this has been going on for almost a year now since we decided to R. Not sure if this is our new normal. We split for a year with no sexual contact between us. He continued the A with out of state OW.

The sex has been amazing. I am more adventurous. I am the one who asks more. If we go a week without I end up making comments about it.

That said, it is so messed up. I was never a drinker before DDay. Now I do. I drink before sex. I almost always have a buzz going for it. This is very unhealthy, I know. I drink because it helps with the mind movies. At least most of the time.

It just is all so weird.


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keeponkeepingon- that is so interesting about the drinking. I, too, have been drinking before sex, which is new for me. For the same reason too...those mind movies. Ugh.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have very different sex drives - he would have sex every day, and I am happy with 1-3 times a week.
He wants kinky sex (not all the time, but often), and I want loving, connecting sex most of the time, and occasionally kinky sex.

We had A LOT of HB early on after dday, and like you, I was uncharacteristically kinky and wild during that time, but over time have "settled into" what I feel is really me...a moderately sexual and passionate person....and one who would like more intellectual and spiritual connection with my H.
THIS>

As we work toward R, I'm beginning to see that the spiritual connection that's never been betwen us is really important to me. To be carrying on this way in the bedroom would be fine, had we been exploring each other and learning about each other on the journey together all these years.

My H loves me and is committed to our M, but I think he is feeling "disappointed" that the HB wife he so enjoyed, has "calmed down"....
It is tempting to "ramp it up" for him, but when I'm not genuinely feeling it, it feels, as you say, "phony"...(btw, his A was ALL about wild sex...)

How much is healthy compromise and the give and take required of M - and how much is dishonest and unhealthy compromise? I'm trying to sort this out and honor my own needs all the while.

I guess all this stuff is why sex is complicated!!

I don't feel I've been helpful to you, Caldwell, but I SO hear you, and hope you can come to some resolve.
And I really hope your H is able and willing to help you out with this - this would truly feel loving to you...


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This resonates with me because, pre FWH A I desperately wanted our wild sexual acts to be more spiritual. He always wanted the hot sex as opposed to Godly sex as that turned him on more.

Now? He's desperately trying to get that spiritual connection going during sex ( he wants the deep looks into my eyes, he wants to tell me how much he loves me, he wants to kiss and caress me etc) but I'm not there yet!

For me? Sex is a release and I've become a predatory female in our sex life because, as soon as I'm 'in the mood', I just take what's mine (him) until I'm sated.

Don't get me wrong here. He gets to come too. He enjoys it too as I make sure he gets to finish etc but for me- its almost like I just scratch that itch until I'm done.

Sex isn't just sex. I know that as the thought of scratching my itch with anybody else repulses me. I know HE has to be the one to do it which gives me hope that the spiritual connections can come in the future.

As for HB etc. I couldn't HB but did continue having sex with FWH after Dday and when we were S as I really believed that if I stopped then he would go to ow !!!! Skewed thinking eh?!!!!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.