[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
I am taking the boys camping. We'll leave Sunday and be gone for a week. We won't be here for WH's birthday. That's okay. I would feel like I needed to do something nice for him. Set a good example for him while he tries to learn how to be a decent human being after 40 years of being drunk. I don't feel like setting a good example. I don't feel like putting up with what looks to me like pathetic attempts by him to do the bare minimum to keep me around. Truth be told, I feel trapped. But I dealt with being trapped in a marriage to an alcoholic for 18 years better than I've dealt with WH since his A. I never took his emotional abuse personally. I knew it was his problem. At least he was loyal and took care of his family... So I thought. I lived my own life without him even though we lived together. I guess I was pretty good at 180 back then but only when WH was being an ass. I've always felt that maybe my 180 was part of what made WH have an A. Like, if I acted more like I cared, hadn't stopped letting him get to me, maybe he wouldn't have looked for someone else. But... I liked myself more then. Maybe I should try it again.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
I trigger every day and as long as I say nothing about it, it's fine.
Xpos got very upset and things between us got even uglier if I dared to say anything that could conceivably be interpreted as criticism of him, even if others were lovingly harassing him and I joined in. He laughed at others' picking, but got very angry with me. And forget it if I dared to ever show any anger! I learned to keep quiet and squelch my feelings in order to not make waves.
It made me feel awful. It felt like a heavy weight crushing my chest. Miraculously gone the minute he was!! I could breathe again without the pain in my chest.
(((hugs))) This totally sucks!
Last week my DS1 brought me flowers for mother's day. WH said "Those are nice, but are they going to make you trigger?" He said it not nicely, not caringly, but sarcastic and snide. And I didn't care.
I wish I could tell you what happened, I know when. I know the exact moment when I saw who he was on the inside. He has shown me over and over the last two years. I don't know what was different that day, but it was like a little bubble popped. And just like that I no longer cared. He no longer upsets me. And I know I will D as soon as possible and be fine.
I hope you get to this point too. Being married to someone that doesn't fully meet your needs is one thing. Being married to someone that makes you miserable is another.