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User Topic: Help! Need quick advice!
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Exclaimation  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was 10 days ago. Asked WW to leave and she did. We have not seen each other since. We have communicated, but not seen each other. We own a business together. Regardless of how this ends, good or bad, I KNOW I don't want to run a business with her.

I made an appointment to see our accountant, who also does business valuation tomorrow at 1pm to discuss. WW insists she needs to be ther because it is about business. OK. Makes sense.

I have not seen her since. This will be the first time. How do i handle this? Any tips? Cold and professional is my plan, but I am afraid of the emotions it might cause. Please suggest some practical tips to cope. I wish I didn't have to see her.


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cold. Unemotional. Detached.

Count to ten before each time you open your mouth. What will want to come out of your mouth will be emotion and pain. Stop. count to ten. Now answer slowly and calmly.

Avoid eye contact. If you have to show any emotion, make it disdain.

you need to show strength and respect for yourself before you have a hope of her showing any. however, the more I read about your WW the less I like her. This sounds like the only things she is interested are those things that threaten her position. That's pretty shallow.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 8:29 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see why WW needs to be there. She can meet with the accountant separately. You're not making any decisions--you're getting advice for you. I think your meeting needs to be private.

Have you told the accountant that WW is having an affair? I think the accountant needs to know the situation in order to advise you. I would stress that you'd like to go through each option and it's ramifications for you. The ramifications for WW are not your concern.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 8:41 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she insists on coming then simply keep it business like.
Remember that NOTHING will be decided at this meeting and that there is no need to go into details.
However… Despite this being about business and this being a joint venture you can and should request she does not attend. Tell her the accountant can report to her what goes on and/or she can have a meeting with him but right now it’s a preliminary meeting for your benefit.
Remind her that the accountant is the company accountant. Not YOUR accountant nor HER accountant. Therefore both of you can and should trust the accountant to give an unbiased report.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5512 | Registered: Sep 2005
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told the accountant that WW is having an affair? I think the accountant needs to know the situation in order to advise you.

My personal opinion about ^^this is that the accountant doesn't need to know personal details like this. But that's just me.

I agree with the others, keep it detached and business like. Treat it as any other meeting with clients. Don't talk about anything personal before or after the meeting with your wife. I also like the 10 second rule before speaking. It helps.

Good luck.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is there too, how much of what your accountant tells you will you actually hear???

You will be so focused on trying to keep yourself from looking at her, thinking about it, talking to her, that whatever your accountant tells you about your options will not even sink in and you wont hear a thing

Try to do this on your own, it is for your own good to find out where you stand with this business, she can meet with him after if she wants to, no decisions are going to be made at this meeting, just advice so she really doesn't have to be there, does she????


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Shockedman for everythig. I think everyone has given you good advice. I also think that your head won't be in the game if she is there. Is there anyway that you can postpone the meeting untill you've had a chance to talk with your WW? You should tell her that your not willing to be in the same room with her yet and figure out a way for both of you to be involved w/o being together?

If not just be cold and business like, it'll be hard, I know.

I wish there were a better answers for you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said that she can't see me yet either. Holy shit! right? She has an affair and it has taken her over 2 weeks and she still can't even apologized for the affair or made any effort to win me back. Thats low shit. To be clear, she has already apologized, but only for hurting people and putting us in that position. Never for the affair. Also sent a bunch of self-defacing BS, full of I and me statements, like "i don't know how I can ever live with myself". Not too much about me and my needs. I rescheduled it for June 11. I meet with my attorney on June 10, so at least I can go in there with some knowledge. I also thought it prudent to bring a voice recorder with me to record the whole conversation so if I am distracted, I can go back over it.

LonelyHusband: I hear you. As each day passes, I am liking her less and less too. The women I thought she was has become someone else. It's as if she has already made up her mind and trying to make it easier for me to make my decision. It is. I never would have guessed in a million years she would have an affair. I was wrong. Then I would have never guessed that when she was caught, that she wouldn't fight to win me back. I was wrong again. At this point the only thing I am right about is that she is damn good actress!

[This message edited by Shockedman at 9:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat as you . Me and my WW own a business together . Imho is this . By seeing your accountant so soon tells me you are allowing you emotions to control your decision . You need to formulate a plan that will allow you to leave the business or operate the business without your WW. This will mean eating some crow and acting like your WW has the upper hand but it will buy you time to see a lawyer and to start your plan to minimise your losses .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it is an emotional response. I mean of course it is partly, but I do think part of the problem in our marriage/life was running this business together. I brought up many times over the past year. But she never wanted to address it. At this point, I am highly skilled and could find another job pretty easily. I am willing to even dissolve the business completely to get out and not have to work with her. In some ways I think I am actually helping the situation. If we want to have and chance of R, I think taking the business out of the picture will make it easier as we have one less thing to deal with. BUT she has held resentment about the business since we started it always saying that I treat her as if she is not as important as me. I absolutely did not treat her this way. In fact, I did the opposite. She knows as a fact that I am more important, but I never ever made her feel this way. It was her own feelings of inadequacy as she knows that I can run the business without her and she can't run it without me. I was doing this long before we started the business together. Been in my field for 14 years and it is a highly skilled area. Our business is only 3 years old.

Also, I am seeing my lawyer the day before the accountant and all I am looking to do is to get some info and then sit with it. I don't paln to do anything with it just yet.

The shitty thing, is my WW has been making plans with this guy she has been cheating with for 7 months. Normal bullshit. Love at first sight, soul mate, deep emotional and sexual affair. Planning our future together. That trumps our 17 year relationship and 10 years of marriage. Then she is indignant with me because I am making a plan for my future. Whatever my future holds, with or without her, running a business together is out of the question. She said to me the other day that she thought I was bigger than that and exes can run business succesfully.... I laughed and said "maybe exes that split amicably and were still friends, but thats not us."

Does that give any insight into where she is at? I think her mind is already made up and she checked out long ago. This is now the formalities stage....

[This message edited by Shockedman at 10:39 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too own a business with Wh. Thankfully he also has another business with his dad so most of the time he's not there. It's still so new to you don't make any rash decisions just get some information for yourself. Wishing you well.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have something scripted before hand so when the emotions hit (and they most likely will) you can fall back on what you have prepared.

Perhaps something along the lines of "we are here to discuss the business. We need to focus on this for now. It would be best to wait on discussing our m at another time."

I know its easier said than done but you have been very strong. I believe you can do it.

Deep breaths and good luck.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops - double post...sorry

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:42 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit guys. more drama. Backstory is that I asked her to move out on d-day. She did. Now you wants time at home. I agreed. Then shes wants to stay here. I disagreed. I told her that she came come from 5pm-11pm both Tues and Wed nights and I will leave. She is throwing a hissy.

Her response after I refused this 5 times:

After some very careful thought, prayer, and consideration it seems that for you, it comes down to what I did. Period. It comes down to what you need financially to move forward. Period. I was staying in the original plan of individual counseling, MC counseling, running the business and household as we move through this first step. My thoughts have been with 17 years and 10 years of marriage. With 11 years of building our home. I felt as though if we tried to work through some of the emotional end of all of this we would find out if there was something worth saving. But now you have moved so hastily I can't even give time to think about the things above. Now I've moved into your time line...your idea of how this should work. You say I've lost my rights to come home, sleep there and to be in the home when I need to. The home I built too. This is not for you to decide. No matter what I did, that right still remains. I'm coming home to sleep on Tuesday and Wednesday night. I will work outside of the house. Make other sleeping arrangements.

Mine:
I find it hard to believe that you can't see why I would start making plans for my life and future. For the past 7 months, you have been making plans for your future and NONE of them included me. I am in the info gathering stages now. Meeting wioth our accountant was to gather info about our options so when we are ready to make a choice, we know where we stand. It has nothing to do with what I need financially. In fact the opposite. Do you think I want to give up a business I worked so hard for? If we want to have and chance of reconciling, I think taking the business out of the picture will make it easier as we have one less thing to deal with and can focus on our marriage. At this point you are keeping you options open and can't even commit to trying to work on our relationship. If you were commited to trying, you commit to really trying. Meaning No Contact and transparency.

I will not leave Tues and Wed, so if you want to sleep here it will have to be with me in the house.


Now its a power struggle...what should I do?


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say meet with the accountant yourself, let him tell you if you need to have a meeting with her present subsequently or if he can just update her. Is he also your personal accountant? Most likely he is, and you should inform him of the situation, of a probable divorce so he can get his ducks in a row about the situation. They hear it all the time. Is it you or her that usually deals with the accountant? He can actually be a valuable source of information to benefit either you or her in the divorce proceedings. Ask your lawyer if he would benefit from your meeting with the accountant first. (((Hugs))) to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for her staying overnight, make up a bed for her wherever you want her to sleep. She's right that you can't force her to move out, but how you arrange things in the home is up to both of you.

Lay out a blanket of the basement floor. If she conplains, throw her a pillow.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now this:

And because you have moved it so fast in this direction all I can think is that you want a divorce. This is the kind of action someone takes when they don't want to be married anymore.

And my response:

Unlike having an affair where you plan your future with another person?

Making plans to safeguard my life is logical. I am meeting with lawyers and accounts to know my rights. My actions have nothing to do with our marriage, rather they have to do with the logistics and assest of our life. The less we have to deal with, the more we could focus on our problems. You are simply seeing however you want to see it. I gave you the plan of action and now I am following through. You are welcome to see it however you wish. I know I am just preparing myself for whatever direction our relationship goes.


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now its a power struggle...what should I do?

It has been a power struggle for her the whole time. She wants to remain in control. I said it in my last post to you. Your wife doesn't like feeling like she isn't in control of the situation. If you look back on your marriage, you'll probably find this has been true for a long time.

You make YOUR decisions based on what YOU want. Don't let her make decisions for you. She doesn't get to decide what is best for you. If she shows up at the house, then she does. Legally it is her house too and you can't keep her out. Have her sleep in the guest bedroom. Stand your ground and draw your boundaries.

Make a list of what you need from your marriage. The first step is NC. Why would she be unwilling to take that stand if she is all in for the marriage? Next step is transparency. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Then the work of IC/MC.

What do you want from your marriage?


Posts: 755 | Registered: Sep 2010
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you want from your marriage?

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this lately. What I want is already gone, so I am not sure. I wanted a loving, commited partner to share my life and passion with,but that is gone. I also think I want children and she does not. That is likely the deal breaker for R. I told her in the past I was willing to give up having kids to be with her because our 17 relationship was more valuable. Not any more.


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then you need to see an attorney and file paperwork. It sounds like you know this isn't going to work for you.

This may have been an exit affair for her. She is quickly moving the context of her communication with you towards divorce - even though she says its you who wants it (this is typical of the WS, not at all unusual to see it coming).


Posts: 755 | Registered: Sep 2010
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