SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
I don't even know where to begin. Right now, it's the usual lump in my throat, feeling like vomiting, horrible pain in my heart feeling and I am hoping this site can help me a little.
I am 35 and my H is 39 and last spring, I got pregnant with our fourth child. Our other 3 are 13, 10, and 8 so this was a surprise. Summer was fine, we had a great vacation where we had a conversation about being past all the BS in our lives and best friends and all that. He said it was the best vacation ever. Our kids joined football and cheerleading in late summer into the fall and my husband sat at all the practices and games (I coached cheerleading, yes while pregnant). One of the other cheer coaches had 4 children also and knew me and would sit or hang out and talk. I trusted my husband to sit and talk with her and remember him saying after we sat together one night, how she is nice.
In December I noticed something odd in her looks, a couple of looks she gave him. There was a talent show and her and her family (including the father of 3 of her kids) sat right behind us and I remember being pissed cause everytime I looked at my H, he was staring back at them. I remember asking my husband in early December, "are you seeing someone?" "Do you still want to be married to me?" I sensed something was off but he said he was stressed about the baby coming. He started smoking pot and I dissapproved. At first he said, "I'll stop, I don't want to lose you" but then continued and more.
Sure enough, I went into labor on Xmas Eve and he acted almost pissed that I was ruining the holidays or something.
Anyway, I was so happy the day my son was born. He brought all the kids to the hospital Xmas day and gave me a diamond ring. The next day, I was alone in the hospital all day and was calling the house. He was rushing me off the phone, saying her four kids were there for a playdate. I called hours later and knew something wasn't right and sure enough, my son told me the mother was there the entire time. I cried for hours in the hospital. He ended up apologizing for it and to the kids for it being inappropriate because I was upset for like 2 weeks. All winter, he was completely distant. He was home since he works only spring to fall but his routine was, shower, take kids to school, go to the gym, come home around noon, eat lunch, take a nap and then he'd leave to get the kids an hour early to "get his spot".
We had sex twice in early February and that was it. We were mostly fighting. Mid March, he hit me with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you", bringing up every bad time, saying we're incompatible. It was the first deep convo we'd had and little did I know it was the last. I found out days later that he'd been withdrawing $ from my personal savings that we never touched..almost $7000. Despite this, and his decision to leave me, I still had some hope and was somewhat coping. But day before Easter he went "out" and didn't come home til 1pm the next day. Easter day, I was cooking and he bought the kids baskets. I saw the receipt the next day and saw flowers and a card on it. He told me they were for me but he decided not to give them to me. ??
He tortured me by still living in our home but staying out most nights. I would wake up with our newborn, still breastfeeding and be up with him and looking out to see if his car was there or not was complete agony. I begged him to tell me what was going on but he just said "we're not together!"
Mid April I caught him with this woman I suspected at the park, with all the kids. I was in total out-of-body shock. I drove past with our baby in the car and saw him there having a catch with her daughter. I walked up and the looks on their faces said it all. I said "what are you doing here with my family?" She actually said "I have nothing to do with your problems" and had a bit of an attitude. They acted like a couple and I was this outside evil person!
It's been about 2 months and he will not talk to me about anything to do with the affair, actually denies he even cheated because "we were separated". He moved out and on his 3rd visit with our kids, he had her and her kids there. I flipped out, asked him why he did that, told him he's hurting the kids and he says "I don't understand what the problem is" Is he really trying to say that it doesn't count since he broke up with me first? It's so frustrating, but I guess either way, it hurts just the same. I sent a couple of venting emails, one pretty nasty one and I'm done. I haven't reached out in about two weeks. He barely sees the kids, only spent 3 hours with our new baby in the past month and a half and he's only 5 months now.
I spend my minutes going from heartbroken, to extreme anger and rage, to almost acceptance at times, but then, back to missing him so much! I hate both of them so much. She was a FB friend who'd post stuff about "looking for someone to share her happiness with" for me to SEE while they were in their little romance, would like my pics, always having her daughter call to pick up my kids for playdates (even on the DD!), and she was AT my baby shower! She is sick and he doesn't even see it because he's blind. She is giving him attention. I am thinking it is a bit of MLC for him, but doesn't change anything. Doesn't excuse the behavior, but I swear, I feel like she isn't even with my husband, she is with some other guy. I'm also angry at the fact that I felt indifferent about him before this rejection, but now the intense emotions are amplified! He won't speak to any of his family, won't return calls.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I am so so sorry for you. I am. What a terrible situation your selfish, self centered husband has put you and your precious family in.
If he's not showing the remorse YOU need then I think you need to take that as a sign. You can't force him to care. You can't wake him up from the fog.
Look up the 180. The 180 can help you gain some control of this surreal sucky situation.
I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do. I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.
Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.
Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!
Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.
Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!
Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.
Try to focus on your kids and yourself. You all deserve much more than the bullsh*t your husband is dishing out.
See an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power. I would think paying child support on 4 kids won't be cheap.
Is OW married? If so, out her to her husband. She sounds like a smug, selfish witch.
Keep moving. We are rooting for you.
sending hugs and prayers.....
Thank you so much! I have been going to therapy and I think it has helped quite a bit so far but I feel so far from ok. Thank you for reassuring me that I will be! If enough people say it, I have to have hope. Unfortunately, no one seems to know her H enough to get in touch. In the meantime, I have so much anxiety even driving around town, nevermind running into her, which I know is bound to happen. And anyway, she changed her FB status to "single" the day before DD so not sure she was married. My heart sank just seeing THAT but I still didn't really believe it. I even sent him a text saying what a coincidence that was and he just acted like it was news to him. I also have a court date for child support and good thing because not only did he leave me all the bills after taking all that money that was supposed to be for his kids and spending it on himself or her or gambling or whatever, he hasn't given me a dime for anything. Not a diaper! How can he think it's ok to spend money on her flowers but not buy his own baby diapers? It hurts so much that he felt this woman he barely knows deserves flowers and his wife of 13 years doesn't? I spent Mother's Day missing him so badly by myself with our kids and new baby and I found out a week later (someone saw him) that on Mother's Day he was biking with her kids, smiling. I can barely enjoy my own kids, I can't even LOOK at another man and in agony and he is just fine...don't know if I can get through this. I read this on some website about unbearable pain and it's true...I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with this pain.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:25 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this with FOUR kids!!!
I had to struggle with two! I can't imagine what it must be like. BUT! You found a great place and lots of people here will jump in and help.
If I may make one quick suggestion...
When you write, leave some space inbetween the thoughts so we can read it easier.
I will keep you and your kids in my prayer,
Hugs and peace to you,
Look at my recent post on timeline of healing. It is not meant to make this worse only to prepare you for the rollercoaster of hell you have found yourself on.
Healing is a process and it takes time. Ugh, that ugly word time. You can't fast forward you have to go through. It sucks and I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away.
Your husband is in the "fog" - he is living a lie and in a fantasy world. The bubble will pop at some point but right now he can justify his behavior because it suits him to do so. He is being a selfish ass. I would give him a bill that states until the court settles I need $___ per week to cover the needs of your four children.
Find her husband through FB or LinkedIn. He deserves to know and this will also bring focus to the affair. It could end it if she gets cold feet and doesn't want to give up her marriage. Plus she needs to deal with a bit of the ugliness she helped create.
You CAN and WILLget through this because you are the mother of four lovely children and we mothers pull our it together when we have to.
You are in shock and you are exhausted from life, from the A, from breastfeeding. It is completely understandable why you feel overwhelmed and defeated. Be kind to yourself and just take one step at a time.
I am hoping you have family near by that can support you.
We are all here and we care.
Sending loving thoughts and many prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am also a mother of four who discovered this site with all of these wonderful caring people who are willing to share their hard earned knowledge and wisdom. Listen to what they have to say, it will help you as you move through this.
I am glad to see that you are seeking help through therapy. The well being of you and your children are what is most important right now. Focus on your children and your lovely five month old.
Wow! So many children and a baby and all this stress is more that anyone should have to handle alone. On the other hand, children are such a blessing when it comes to demanding your attention. Try to remember to be grateful for those little people. I'm sure it must feel like too much to handle but you are better than the people who have done this to you and you will handle it all, living in reality while they have their stupid, selfish, self destructive, fantasy. It sounds like you are doing everything right you can. No communication other than business related regarding financial support. So many men don't think about the financial repercussions of what they're doing and beg to come back when they figure it out. How romantic? Often, the women are done with them by then anyway. It is often said that we have to be willing to lose them to get them back. Whether you want him back or not... (Not the man he is now I know)... I hope you get everything you want and need. Just hang in there for now. It does take time.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
Huge hugs to you. I can't imagine going through this with a newborn! Do you have family close by who can help? It's great that you're getting therapy but I'd get to an attorney asap. You need to find out your child support rights now and serve your husband with divorce papers. Take control back!
As for her, it doesn't sound like she's married. I would think her kids would be telling their Dad they take bike rides with another Man. If she's divorced, it's very possible this isn't her first rodeo!
It's no coincidence the word "Men" starts with "ME".
I'm so sorry.
Do you have an attorney yet? You really need one,
especially since he took joint money and is clearly spending money on his affair partner. Spousal support and child support for 4 kids will help clear his foggy brain. "Missy 5 kids with 4+ baby daddies" is just looking for a meal ticket...time to make the "meal" a little smaller. Once again I'm so sorry, he is stunningly selfish and I would not be surprised if he comes crawling back after the "shine" wears off.
[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 5:14 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I'm so sorry for you and those kids. Your poor little boy won't get to really know his dad....maybe...that's a blessing. Teach that boy the right way to treat a woman!
Faith1 is right. Check out healing library. I've only been on here for a week. Healing library made a lot of sense to me.
People who cheat are depressed and attention seeking. It's always funny how a person can say everything's great one minute and the next minute, "woe is me! I've been so miserable!" excuses..excuses.
Get some child support out of that pathetic excuses man and be strong! You ARE a good person and a fantastic mother! Get some good family and friends around you. Let them nurture you through this.
Look up the 180 and the "fog" in healing library like other posters said. It will help you.
Your H has obviously lost his mind, or has been snatched by aliens. Going through all of this with a newborn, wow. You are doing well it sounds like. You have taken the step forward to protect your kids, good for you.
Have you seen an Attorney about D. I would reccommend it, so that you know what you are dealing with. This OW sounds like a hot mess, and would not be surprised if she turns up preggers in the next little bit as well. That way she will be able to manipulate him into staying. Wether he recognizes what he is doing as wrong doesn't matter, and deep down he must, because otherwise he would not have broken all communication with his family off.
You need to read on the 180, this is for you, to help you find your strength. It may also be time to file for D. It sounds like he is so deep that it may not bring him around, but based on what you have told us, I would say that is the only thing that might.
You will get through this, and come out on the other side, stronger, and happier. You are an amazing woman, raising 4 awesome children.
Reading this just breaks my heart for you. Please take care of yourself.
((Jewlz)) ((your babies))
Your story has left me with my mouth hanging open.
I do hope you have great friends/family to support you on this journey.
Your H is a fool. I hope one day he will look back and realize what a colossal mess he made of his life.
Check back in with us.
The replies here are so comforting, I am glad to have them to keep reading every once in a while.
I am planning to file for D right after the child support date, so week of June 16th, I'll go for my 3rd meeting with the attorney and get it done.
This woman is not IMO prettier or better. She must be a hot mess, because why else would you allow yourself to spend the day with a man who's wife is in the hospital having their baby! My mind wants to think he's stupid, he's in the Fog, he's a narcissist, he's not thinking and that she is a psycho but then I can't help to start thinking maybe he really just didn't love me anymore and they are meant to be. Can this be possible?
I know it has to be his need for attention, especially with the baby coming, he knew he wasn't getting it from me. I guess I AM still in shock. I thought I was past it but I am not. I can barely get out of bed in the morning feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety. I come home from work every day and cry practically pace with the baby and feel bored since I don't enjoy ANYthing anymore. Feel so lost.
He called last night and I let my younger son answer and he canceled his visit and said he'd come tonight instead. He just does whatever he wants and is living his life happily and honestly thinks I should just move on and be able to be happy. I hate him. How is the 180 supposed to work for me if he has moved on and has no desire to speak to me or R or anything. He acts like nothing bothers him and is happier when I leave him alone. How in the world is that helping me? Will the 180 help either way?
The 180 is for you to detach. Some people think it is to try and 'get him(her) back' - but it isn't. It is for you and you alone.
Some advice about visitation, set YOUR schedule, don't let him change it willy-nilly. Maybe you have plans with the kids tonight. Maybe you have plans all week with the kids except on his regularly scheduled time.
Be firm. Stand up for you and your kids.
180 is for you, so that you don't allow him to hurt you any more than he has already. To give you strength in yourself.
Sounds like he has zero consequences for what he is doing. Time to put your foot down, set a schedule for the kids and do NOT let him change it for anything other than him being in the hospital. He needs to be responsible.
When the kids are gone, you need to take care of you, focus on yourself. Do nice things for yourself, read a book, take a nap, get a pedi. Whatever, but do it for you, and noone else.
You have a newborn AND you're working? Is anyone helping you? Have you looked into IC & Meds for sleep and anxiety? Or just go to your doctor and tell them what's going and ask for something. In your situation you need to be as healthy as possible and you need as much support as possible. HUGE hugs to you. If I'm ever in NJ and see a man riding a bike with a woman and four kids I might run him over!
And nail your WH's ass to the wall with your lawyer. It's going to be hard but try and get to angry, put your bitch boots on, and go for the jugular. I believe NJ allows Fault Divorces if adultery has occurred: http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_jersey/new_jersey_irrec_diff_grounds
1) OW is NOT better than you. She is different from you. Different bc she is morally broken and is not trying to raise 4 children alone. Your husband is living in fantasy land.
2) No it wasn't meant to be. They created an environment that allows them to believe each others lies. True love is not lust. True love is commitment and hard work. Not fun and willy nilly. They are being selfish, immature, self serving low lifes. The bubble will burst at some point. How can two people that found their way to one another through lies and deceit have any foundation that is strong enough to survive the hard stuff?
The 180 is about YOU getting YOU stronger. If he is stupid enough to risk his marriage and his family and not look back - it speaks volumes on his lack of integrity and moral fiber.
When a spouse chooses to cheat it is not about what they weren't getting...it is about what they weren't GIVING. Most likely he was overwhelmed with life so he sought fantasy escape. COWARD. It has nothing to do with what she looks like, does for a living or anything. It was just an escape and now he is in the la la land fog.
I know you are hurting and I am so so sorry. It makes my heart ache for you and your kids.
Channel your mother lion and FIGHT for your rights to protect and get the most for your kids. You can't control him but you can control how you respond to his disgusting choices.
Please see and IC as you will need help navigating these choppy waters.
He has taken so much from you. Please don't let him take anymore from you. Don't beat yourself up over HER. She is irrelevant. You and your children are relevant.
There is a post someplace about the WS always dumbing down - and it is true. They want to feel better about themselves. Ego stroke.
PM me anytime. I am worried about you and care.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
I'm pretty sure NJ is no fault but I can use adultery as grounds for D. Thank you, I hope I don't run him over myself.
I am VERY angry. I try to put myself in the shoes of a woman who did this to another woman and I would be so scared for the wrath but she seems smug and happy, spending time with my kids so soon, cooking for them...so disrespectful to me and my children that I am getting lightheaded just thinking about it.
I am taking Xanax but really try to limit myself. The anxiety is so bad that I feel it wearing off and tremble with anger.
My mom is the only physical help I have other than emotional help from one good friend and some from others and here. But she gets the kids from school, helps with homework, dishes, the dog. Wouldn't be coping without her, I'd be in a hospital somewhere, I know it.
As hard as it is to believe right now, he did you a HUGE favor!! He left, you didn't have to kick his ass to the curb, although that might have been fun , at this point he is not trying to keep you on the side, and you get to start to healing right away (although it won't feel like that for a while).
PUT YOUR BITCH BOOTS ON sweetie! And lace them tight!!
When you talk to the L, ask for a stipulation that he CANNOT bring any bitchfaces around your babies, at least until the D is final.
As hard as it is TRY not to let OW stay in your head. You are too valuable, she is a nothing POS. OP, like our WS's, are broken. She has to put on an act, otherwise WH would dump her.
It's YOU and your babies time. YOU will be the anchor in their lives. YOU will be the one who teaches them respect, for themselves and others. YOU will be the one they will come to their whole lives for advice and comfort. Your older ones will get it pretty quick. YOU will be the one to answer their questions honestly.
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! And you will come shining thru.
We are here to help, hold your hand, and give hugs all day long, for as long as you need us to.
Post away, PM any of us, that's what we do.
Sending hugs and strength.
Don't be surprised if he tries to come back soon. A lot of them do. Again, it would be up to YOU.
Check with your attorney but in some cases you can prevent the OW from being around your children. I would go that route for now anyway. That is the least he can do.
Have him spend time with them at your house and YOU leave for the day/night.
It would drive me crazy to have my kids spend anytime with OW. My DD would make her life hell too so I don't think that would ever have happened but thinking about it makes me want to punch your husband in the face. Jerk.
She is morally broken. You are trying to put yourself in her shoes because you are logically trying to make sense of this. Logic isn't applicable to her. She is ego based, selfish and will do anything to justify her horrid behavior. You will NEVER understand her. You and she are not cut from the same fabric. She is a liar and morally corrupt. Apples to oranges.
You are still in shock. And you will vacilate with your emotions for some time. Just try to focus on today. Get through today and go from there.
I am sorry that he is being so insensitive and hurtful. It stinks.
But you do matter. And your kids need you more than anything.
Deep breaths. Keep moving.