[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I am so so sorry for you. I am. What a terrible situation your selfish, self centered husband has put you and your precious family in.
If he's not showing the remorse YOU need then I think you need to take that as a sign. You can't force him to care. You can't wake him up from the fog.
Look up the 180. The 180 can help you gain some control of this surreal sucky situation.
I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do. I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.
Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.
Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!
Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.
Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!
Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.
Try to focus on your kids and yourself. You all deserve much more than the bullsh*t your husband is dishing out.
See an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power. I would think paying child support on 4 kids won't be cheap.
Is OW married? If so, out her to her husband. She sounds like a smug, selfish witch.
Keep moving. We are rooting for you.
sending hugs and prayers.....
[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:25 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this with FOUR kids!!!
I had to struggle with two! I can't imagine what it must be like. BUT! You found a great place and lots of people here will jump in and help.
If I may make one quick suggestion...
When you write, leave some space inbetween the thoughts so we can read it easier.
I will keep you and your kids in my prayer,
Hugs and peace to you,
I couldn't handle my husband's pregnant gf. After all, 17 years I was faithful. -Him?! Not so much.
D Aug 2008
Look at my recent post on timeline of healing. It is not meant to make this worse only to prepare you for the rollercoaster of hell you have found yourself on.
Healing is a process and it takes time. Ugh, that ugly word time. You can't fast forward you have to go through. It sucks and I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away.
Your husband is in the "fog" - he is living a lie and in a fantasy world. The bubble will pop at some point but right now he can justify his behavior because it suits him to do so. He is being a selfish ass. I would give him a bill that states until the court settles I need $___ per week to cover the needs of your four children.
Find her husband through FB or LinkedIn. He deserves to know and this will also bring focus to the affair. It could end it if she gets cold feet and doesn't want to give up her marriage. Plus she needs to deal with a bit of the ugliness she helped create.
You CAN and WILLget through this because you are the mother of four lovely children and we mothers pull our it together when we have to.
You are in shock and you are exhausted from life, from the A, from breastfeeding. It is completely understandable why you feel overwhelmed and defeated. Be kind to yourself and just take one step at a time.
I am hoping you have family near by that can support you.
We are all here and we care.
Sending loving thoughts and many prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I am glad to see that you are seeking help through therapy. The well being of you and your children are what is most important right now. Focus on your children and your lovely five month old.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
It's no coincidence the word "Men" starts with "ME".
Do you have an attorney yet? You really need one,
especially since he took joint money and is clearly spending money on his affair partner. Spousal support and child support for 4 kids will help clear his foggy brain. "Missy 5 kids with 4+ baby daddies" is just looking for a meal ticket...time to make the "meal" a little smaller. Once again I'm so sorry, he is stunningly selfish and I would not be surprised if he comes crawling back after the "shine" wears off.
[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 5:14 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
Faith1 is right. Check out healing library. I've only been on here for a week. Healing library made a lot of sense to me.
People who cheat are depressed and attention seeking. It's always funny how a person can say everything's great one minute and the next minute, "woe is me! I've been so miserable!" excuses..excuses.
Get some child support out of that pathetic excuses man and be strong! You ARE a good person and a fantastic mother! Get some good family and friends around you. Let them nurture you through this.
Look up the 180 and the "fog" in healing library like other posters said. It will help you.
Your H has obviously lost his mind, or has been snatched by aliens. Going through all of this with a newborn, wow. You are doing well it sounds like. You have taken the step forward to protect your kids, good for you.
Have you seen an Attorney about D. I would reccommend it, so that you know what you are dealing with. This OW sounds like a hot mess, and would not be surprised if she turns up preggers in the next little bit as well. That way she will be able to manipulate him into staying. Wether he recognizes what he is doing as wrong doesn't matter, and deep down he must, because otherwise he would not have broken all communication with his family off.
You need to read on the 180, this is for you, to help you find your strength. It may also be time to file for D. It sounds like he is so deep that it may not bring him around, but based on what you have told us, I would say that is the only thing that might.
You will get through this, and come out on the other side, stronger, and happier. You are an amazing woman, raising 4 awesome children.
Your story has left me with my mouth hanging open.
I do hope you have great friends/family to support you on this journey.
Your H is a fool. I hope one day he will look back and realize what a colossal mess he made of his life.
Check back in with us.
I am planning to file for D right after the child support date, so week of June 16th, I'll go for my 3rd meeting with the attorney and get it done.
This woman is not IMO prettier or better. She must be a hot mess, because why else would you allow yourself to spend the day with a man who's wife is in the hospital having their baby! My mind wants to think he's stupid, he's in the Fog, he's a narcissist, he's not thinking and that she is a psycho but then I can't help to start thinking maybe he really just didn't love me anymore and they are meant to be. Can this be possible?
I know it has to be his need for attention, especially with the baby coming, he knew he wasn't getting it from me. I guess I AM still in shock. I thought I was past it but I am not. I can barely get out of bed in the morning feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety. I come home from work every day and cry practically pace with the baby and feel bored since I don't enjoy ANYthing anymore. Feel so lost.
He called last night and I let my younger son answer and he canceled his visit and said he'd come tonight instead. He just does whatever he wants and is living his life happily and honestly thinks I should just move on and be able to be happy. I hate him. How is the 180 supposed to work for me if he has moved on and has no desire to speak to me or R or anything. He acts like nothing bothers him and is happier when I leave him alone. How in the world is that helping me? Will the 180 help either way?
Some advice about visitation, set YOUR schedule, don't let him change it willy-nilly. Maybe you have plans with the kids tonight. Maybe you have plans all week with the kids except on his regularly scheduled time.
Be firm. Stand up for you and your kids.
Sounds like he has zero consequences for what he is doing. Time to put your foot down, set a schedule for the kids and do NOT let him change it for anything other than him being in the hospital. He needs to be responsible.
When the kids are gone, you need to take care of you, focus on yourself. Do nice things for yourself, read a book, take a nap, get a pedi. Whatever, but do it for you, and noone else.
1) OW is NOT better than you. She is different from you. Different bc she is morally broken and is not trying to raise 4 children alone. Your husband is living in fantasy land.
2) No it wasn't meant to be. They created an environment that allows them to believe each others lies. True love is not lust. True love is commitment and hard work. Not fun and willy nilly. They are being selfish, immature, self serving low lifes. The bubble will burst at some point. How can two people that found their way to one another through lies and deceit have any foundation that is strong enough to survive the hard stuff?
The 180 is about YOU getting YOU stronger. If he is stupid enough to risk his marriage and his family and not look back - it speaks volumes on his lack of integrity and moral fiber.
When a spouse chooses to cheat it is not about what they weren't getting...it is about what they weren't GIVING. Most likely he was overwhelmed with life so he sought fantasy escape. COWARD. It has nothing to do with what she looks like, does for a living or anything. It was just an escape and now he is in the la la land fog.
I know you are hurting and I am so so sorry. It makes my heart ache for you and your kids.
Channel your mother lion and FIGHT for your rights to protect and get the most for your kids. You can't control him but you can control how you respond to his disgusting choices.
Please see and IC as you will need help navigating these choppy waters.
He has taken so much from you. Please don't let him take anymore from you. Don't beat yourself up over HER. She is irrelevant. You and your children are relevant.
There is a post someplace about the WS always dumbing down - and it is true. They want to feel better about themselves. Ego stroke.
PM me anytime. I am worried about you and care.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
I am VERY angry. I try to put myself in the shoes of a woman who did this to another woman and I would be so scared for the wrath but she seems smug and happy, spending time with my kids so soon, cooking for them...so disrespectful to me and my children that I am getting lightheaded just thinking about it.
I am taking Xanax but really try to limit myself. The anxiety is so bad that I feel it wearing off and tremble with anger.
My mom is the only physical help I have other than emotional help from one good friend and some from others and here. But she gets the kids from school, helps with homework, dishes, the dog. Wouldn't be coping without her, I'd be in a hospital somewhere, I know it.
As hard as it is to believe right now, he did you a HUGE favor!! He left, you didn't have to kick his ass to the curb, although that might have been fun , at this point he is not trying to keep you on the side, and you get to start to healing right away (although it won't feel like that for a while).
PUT YOUR BITCH BOOTS ON sweetie! And lace them tight!!
When you talk to the L, ask for a stipulation that he CANNOT bring any bitchfaces around your babies, at least until the D is final.
As hard as it is TRY not to let OW stay in your head. You are too valuable, she is a nothing POS. OP, like our WS's, are broken. She has to put on an act, otherwise WH would dump her.
It's YOU and your babies time. YOU will be the anchor in their lives. YOU will be the one who teaches them respect, for themselves and others. YOU will be the one they will come to their whole lives for advice and comfort. Your older ones will get it pretty quick. YOU will be the one to answer their questions honestly.
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! And you will come shining thru.
We are here to help, hold your hand, and give hugs all day long, for as long as you need us to.
Post away, PM any of us, that's what we do.
Sending hugs and strength.
Don't be surprised if he tries to come back soon. A lot of them do. Again, it would be up to YOU.