SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Anewday, I love it, thank you. As sad as it is to read your post I really appreciate the summary and I wish I could take you with me when we meet to talk.
I will do my best to remind him of these things if he brings up our fighting during his EA as justification again. grrr Thank you. And if he wants to talk about being disrespectful in front of the kids, he is the one who brought them around OW 5 days after he moved into his new apartment...only two weeks after leaving our home. And again after they slept over there, when her kids told my 8 year old "we already slept over here a few times".
"Looking good is the best revenge." ~ Ivana Trump
I found you your "to-do" list, Jewlz!!
Step 1: Skin
Achieve a nice sun-kissed look (don't over-tan, it's tacky). Either spend an hour or two on a lounge chair out back or hit the spray tan/tanning bed. Make sure you purchase a good face moisturizer to keep your skin glowing.
Step 2: Hair
You can either go for a subtle new cut and highlight or a bold new style and color. Talk to your stylist about the best course of action for you. Be sure to look at photos of different styles and make sure the new style compliments the shape of your face. An asymetric bob is a great way to say, "Fuck you, boys. I'm in control now." http://cdn01.cdn.justjared.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2009/06/lauren-conrad-wig.jpg
Step 3: Make-up
Don't skimp on your make-up. Go to the cosmetics counter at your favorite department store and work with a knowledgable sales rep to match the right colors for your skin tone. Make-up for daytime hours should capture a more natural look (think earth tones), while make-up for an evening out on the town should be bold and make a statement (think dark, smokey eyes and lipstick that pops).
Step 4: Wardrobe
Splurge on a few good dresses - fun and flirty for daytime and smoldering/sexy for evening. Don't stop there! Make sure you feel sexy underneath it all by splurging on some sexy bras and panties! Of course, no look is complete without the right pair of shoes!
Yeah, you need to shut his ass down each and every time he tries to pin the blame on you. Nothing you said or did during that very hormonal time for you even compares to the atrocities he committed. As soon as he starts getting lippy, shut him the eff down. I would literally tell him to shut his mouth and look down to the ground and then UNLEASH on him with a verbal assault reminding him just what a POS he's been.
I really wish I could be there with you too - at least via an ear-piece coaching you on what to say - because he FOR SURE would NOT get away with any blame shifting! But, I have all the confidence in you to give it to him good. This is the moment you've been waiting for, so make the best of it and get everything out. With that said, in addition to the well deserved venting you're entitled to, you're also entitled to seeing this conversation lead to some sort of progress - whether it be towards reconciliation or mutual respect while proceeding with divorce.
I love it. The first things I thought of when all this happened is I wanted to go tanning, wanted to dye my hair...and I actually did buy new undies when he said he was leaving me thinking maybe I'd give him some ideas. But, no, he wasn't interested. He knew I bought them but couldn't care less.
I feel like why did I have to wait for my husband to figure out he is interested in me. Why did it take another woman for him to realize what he had. That Bruno Mars song about when I was your man was written for him. When he was leaving me, I said to the kids, dad's gonna sing this song to me. "I should have bought you flowers, and held your hand...gave you all my hours, when I had the chance...took you to every party, cause I know how you loved to dance"
I hate love/breakup songs!
Anewday, I was SO thinking of the earpiece idea, hahaha!
I hate love/breakup songs!
I think THIS is the type of breakup song you need to be listening to right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY
Edited: Don't know how to make hperlinks!
[This message edited by anewday78 at 1:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
Wow, I've listened to that song a hundred times and feel like I just heard it for the first time just now!
What he is doing so hard on you emotionally. So the real question is did he really get his head out of arse, or is he just sad an lonely now that he isn't the apple of the OW's eye?
Unfortunately you are going to have to watch his actions to determine that. That IF you even want to consider R'ing as a possiblity... But please please please make sure that you continue down the path to D at this point. Don't put the brakes on yet. He has proven nothing. Remember for R to be successful, and you to be happy, and feel safe, there is a TON of work on his part that has to be done, and the biggest part is him figuring out WHY he chose this path, and then of course fixing whatever the broken part within him is. Without that he is bound to cheat again.
YOU are awesome, and have done amazingly well so far. Hey if he chooses to really start doing the hard work, I am willing to bet your mom won't be upset with you for trying.
I can say when I knew my H was having an A, and had NO proof I did go get a drastic hair cut and color. It was awesome. I went from being a ponytail girl to a short sassy, don't F with me cut. I still sport a version of it today.
I also got me some new clothes to go with the new me, because of the infidelity diet I lost a significant amount of weight. I looked damn good. I did that for me. NOT for him. So if you bought those panties and bras with him in mind I would strongly recommend you go get something for you.
YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR!!!
Ohhhh! I found a good one! Not sure what kind of hair you have, but the first two pics on the page are stunning! Just so happens one of the most famous BS of our time is sporting the look:
I feel like I will always wonder when the next pretty girl will throw herself at him and he will just take it.
If he doesn't take full responsibility for his actions, if he can't find out the reasons why he's a cheater and do the hard painful work of changing, then you are right--he will do this again.
But if he can't grow up, you will be far gone so it won't be you who gets screwed over the next time!
[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:20 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
Don't pick the exWH apart or put him down to his face.
He is sorry right now. So, move on with your life and make him really sorry.
Be friends, like soccer mom friends.
Give him every reason to regret how stupid he was to lose and hurt you.
He is out of the fog and does not deserve you.
When you feel weak, re-read your posts from day 1. Do you really want a man that DID treat you like that? Would you ever date a man like that?
You don't miss the man he is now. You miss what he was and what you had. You can never have that back with him. It is changed and that is the sad aftermath of A's.
You can have another life with someone else. He realizes what he did, but still puts the blame on you for the A.
He is still thinking about himself and being selfish.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:56 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
I saw my IC last night and she says the same thing, that he needs to figure out why he went so far as an A instead of communicating with me and shouldn't be calling me for comfort. She says that it's because I've always been there for him. And she said the same thing you all are saying, not to forget all the pain you've been through, the unanswered emails and texts.
She used an analogy saying how uncommon it is for a mother to pack up and leave her family and not look back...you don't hear about that happening very often. She said that this was like that, not to take away from a wife that was cheated on by her husband, but that he actually left and when he just had a newborn baby! It is just not something common. And how friends of guys who cheat will sort of say, well do what you gotta do but keep me out of it, but when it's a guy who cheats and leaves his wife with a new baby, no one wants any part of that. She was saying this because I told her how he was saying no one wants to talk to him.
I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go. How can I even begin to believe anything he says. I just want to feel loved and adored and I am so sad because I am realizing that I don't think he is capable. Since the phone call, this is all hitting me, the reality of what R would be and I feel like it is just as dark and hopeless as D. I didn't realize this until it was a possibility and I feel disappointed all over again. I thought it was what I wanted, but now I just cannot imagine R. Hurt is too deep right now.
I want to rehash all these things, him sleeping while I was in labor, how I felt when I saw her look at him, remind him that I mentioned it to him, the betrayal of her being in my home and trusting him that it was nothing just to find out it was something all along, that I would have LOVED pretty flowers in my garden for Easter, that I found out on Mother's Day that my children were hanging out with her and her children the week before and found out on our Anniversary that he spent Mother's Day with her while I cried and missed him, that I am STILL in shock over ALL of it, that I look at every car that looks like hers while I'm driving paranoid to see her, that my bedroom smelled like spit up and pee diapers while he was out sleeping with my friend, that the memories of coaching cheerleading and being at that field are painful, that I have had to imagine them together every day of my life and can't even listen to music or watch TV. Everything triggers the A! Everything and I'm so tired! Sorry, I am having a bad day, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type this and I am at work..I can't focus. I just see no end to my pain!
You are only a couple of months out, but that pain will end with time. Your brain has to process all of those things somehow. Your last post reminded me of some things I haven't thought about in years. When I delivered our second child, he was with OW. I found out later that she was also pregnant with his child, our kids are only 8 months apart. On our anniversary, he was with her and didn't even bother to call me or anything. Those things deeply hurt me for awhile, but they haven't even crossed my mind in years now.
Reconciling seems to be a very tough journey, but many members here have done it. Read through that forum to get a feel for how that process works. I divorced my ex and never regretted it. But I knew he was not really remorseful. I did try to reconcile for over a year though. You can get divorced now and still reconcile, or you can stop the divorce and try to reconcile. You have time to decide what you really want to do. Don't try and rush either way. Your emotions should be more settled 6 months from now, a year from now, whenever...but either way it goes, the pain will subside.
Jewlz, like I said before. If you DO decide to meet with him, it should be for YOU, not HIM. He left very abruptly and you've expressed on many occassions that you were not able to say the things you wanted to say at that time. To me, meeting with him now will finally afford you that opportunity. You MUST take caution, however, not to allow him to flip the script and manipulate/charm/guilt/blame-shift you into a false R.
I think you should give yourself a little time to work on yourself (doing all the fabulous image adjusting things we've discussed) before meeting with him. You need to be super-duper confident and empowered if/when that meeting takes place. You need to be in a place where you can say, "the world is not going to end for me if you're no longer my partner." And although deep down inside it might not be a complete truth, as long as you can say it with a straight face and be convincing, I think you'll be ready to have that conversation with him.
"I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go. How can I even begin to believe anything he says. I just want to feel loved and adored and I am so sad because I am realizing that I don't think he is capable."
Why not tell him this? If divorce is the direction you're leaning towards, you AT LEAST deserve some closure. Unfortunately, you were never given a chance at closure. That's why I think a meeting might help you move on. When you get yourself to the point where you're ready to have that conversation, I highly suspect you will look at him and no longer be attracted to him - sure his outer shell may still be beautiful, but you will see through it and look into the empty, pathetic soul on the inside.
On the flip-side, who knows, maybe there's a reason why he's gone off the deep end. Maybe there are issues from childhood that you don't know about, maybe the HGHs he was injecting caused him to go insane for a while, maybe he had a nervous breakdown. Regardless, he needs to do the work to figure out what went wrong and he definitely owes you an explanation. At that point, you can make a determination (can you forgive or is it a deal breaker). Right now, you just don't know. It's the not knowing that makes me believe that a conversation must be had. As a matter of fact, I think multiple conversations must occur over time in between intensive therapy sessions. Afterall, if divorce is ultimately the final outcome, this is somebody who is going to remain, at some capacity, in your life for AT LEAST another 18 years.
Give yourself time and make solid choices. Focus on getting yourself and your children to a better place and everything else will eventually fall into place for you.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:30 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
I agree with your therapist. There are cheaters and there are CHEATERS. Yours seems like a different breed. I am sorry, but I can't help but have contempt for a man that would abandon his wife and newborn for a snotty OW.
Your WS is used to having you do everything for him. He doesn't sound like the type to put in any hard work and can't handle any thing that doesn't go smoothly or his way. Is he incapable of handling stress?
It sounds like you played the role of his mother for far too long.
If you decide to R. Which there is nothing wrong with that, only you know if he is worth it....please live apart for a while till you are both well into MC after he gets IC.
It would be so easy for you to slip back into the role of his supporter till you become focused on the children again and he looks for attention and self-validation elsewhere.
This is JMHO... I think you should not meet with him. Think carefully about what your goals are for such a meeting. What do you want to get out of it? If it's just to vent your hurt and anger... that's not going to go well, and it's potentially opening up your heart to him, giving him the chance to make you feel better. He won't be able to do that, both because what he's done is so heinous and because he's not a safe person. You may want the "truth" from him, but TBH, he's in no position to give it to you right now -- he clearly doesn't know what it is, himself. Personally, I think you should say that you're in too much pain to see him and that your focus right now is making yourself strong and healing. Tell him that he's a mess and has nothing to offer you right now, and won't until he gets his act together by engaging in significant therapy to figure out why he decided to blow up his life in this way. You are collatoral damage and CANNOT be a support or "friend" to him right now. He has to grow up and clean up his own messes. In other words, 180 him, for YOURSELF. I hear too much pain and anger for you to make any rational decisions right now. You need to decide what's best for YOU.
I think there are cases where otherwise decent men do blow up their lives in this way. I hope my WH is one of them. But they are NOT SAFE PEOPLE until they have figured out what made them do such a crazy, hurtful thing. They cannot possibly even consider being a good partner until they've sorted themselves out. He is TOXIC to you now. To continue with the bomb analogy, there may still be a few live charges left in the pile.
I'm glad his friends are ostracizing him. You should, too. He needs to earn his way back.
I think you can explain this to him (in an email or something) in an unemotional way, and if he has any humility or sense of what he's done, he will understand it. It will be a sign that he may be able to recover.
GL to you
Oh, and PS -- I agree with the above, don't let him sucker you into a healing role -- helping him heal. You are not his mom and he gave up all rights to a wife's support when he moved out with that, well, you-know-what. Being suppportive of him in this way would delay his healing, not help it.
[This message edited by Blobette at 10:53 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
You don't have to make a decision now. You can make the decision not to make a decision. I believe, that if he's really serious about being with you as part of your family, he will wait.
He will work on himself and lend you strength to heal with his actions, with no guarantee of R in return.
After the damage he has caused, an honest remorseful spouse should not create a bigger burden than they already have. Take your time. Breathe. Tell him to get into IC, rebuild his relationship with his children, and as you view his actions over time, you will make a decision when you are ready.
Any hint of not taking complete and total responsibility for the mess he has created, of self pity for his consequences, should be met with the door in his face.
[This message edited by grace68 at 10:52 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time.
In that case, maybe you should 180. Even your IC says he needs to work on himself and not use you for an emotional sounding board.
You need to set up boundaries and let him know what actions you expect to see before you widen those boundaries to include him more. Transparency: access to all accounts to begin with. An appoint made and accomplished with his own IC. A book like "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair" read. Apologies made to those in your life that were affected by the A. Friends and family that had to step in to hold you up and take up his slack. An NC letter expressing his deep regret to involve himself with so low a person that would befriend his wonderful wife then encourage his horrible choices, letting her know that even if you don't grace him with possible R, he never wants to associate with her again.
If he can't do those things, or what you decide you need to consider R, then he can't deal with the long haul of R.
I validate if you don't even want to attempt to R. Affairs are horrible things. Even more horrible when they leave their BS for the OP. when they abandon their family...I read those stories and rage sets in. Having a newborn and leaving...unspeakable.
Likewise, if you want to R, there is no shame in that. The shame is all his. Accepting him back once his actions prove worthy is understandable. We all have dreams of the future and rarely does that include a family torn apart.
I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go.
Perhaps what you can do before you meet is ask him to write you a letter and email it. In it he should write 1) the whys of what he did and 2) how he is different now.
If he writes that you are the reason he did it, you will know he is not a person who is really repentant.
If, however, he writes that his own selfishness, lack of morals, insanity (maybe due to the HCG, FOO issues, or some hidden problems he hadn't previously shared with you) are at the root of his decision to cheat, then you will know that he is beginning to break through his own mind fog.
If you do not read any good reasons as to why he is different now, you will know that he hasn't changed, and is prime for doing it again.
If, however you read that he is realizing how certain areas of his psyche are messed up and that he is committed to fixing himself, then you might feel his is sincere and that you can meet with him face to face.
At that first face-to-face, you probably need to tell him 1. How you felt when he left you (the above quote) and that 2. given what he did, you can no longer trust him, and need to know if he is willing to do whatever you need him to do to rebuild your trust.
Based on his answers, you can proceed with the D, or you can present him with a list of your conditions for R, including some sort of post-nup to protect you and your children in case he ever cheats again.
Sometimes it takes time for the WS to see the OP for what they really are, and to begin coming out of the fog. It took a long time for your WH, but he seems to be at the threshhold, and ready to give you some answers. Hopefully he won't TT you, but will come completely clean.
Only you know if WH's behavior was a deal breaker. However, I think that a few heart-to-hearts with him, to find out his why's, will help you decide if you can ever forgive him, or if it was a deal breaker.
Be strong, and trust yourself. You can love him, hate him, want to be with him, but be repelled by him and afraid to trust him, and feel all this at the same time. Don't stuff any of your feelings, and don't hide them from your WH either.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 4:12 PM, July 12th (Friday)]
Very well said HurtButHopeful. I agree 110%