SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Very well said HurtButHopeful. I agree 110%
Thank you so much! I've actually agreed to meet with him at the park with the baby to hand him off and talk. I have taken all your advice very seriously and will be strong but honest and plan to do mostly listening at this point. I will let you know how it goes.
Meeting in an hour. (I'm lookin good Anewday . Then I plan to go to the mall, maybe get some new makeup, new sunglasses and then meet up with a friend. Feeling pretty good, even after only sleeping two hours...out in NYC with girlfriends til 5 am....needed that!
Yay Jewlz! I'm so happy to hear you're feeling good today and that you went out and had fun last night. Good luck today. Come back and tell us all about it. (((Jewlz)))
Always praying for you and your family. Hope all went well at your meeting today. Remember to take it slow. Everything you stated in your last post is how I felt... how I still do even in recovery. It's interesing how it takes a 180 or disinterested spouse to make them rethink their actions. I think it's not having that safety net anymore. If you've moved on then there is no one to catch him when/if he falls.
Take your time and figure out if you truely want this.Yes, he had an affair without considering you and he ended it without your input.
THIS is the time to be selfish and figure out what YOU want.
Its a long road to recovery and there will be times where you'll question why your there well into your second year. He'll need to be your rock to get you through those rough patches. And he'll have a lot of making it up to the kids and pray that it doesnt affect their relationship as they grow older.
And hope you had a blast in NYC!
Jewlz just read through the whole thread.
Please remember that he doesn't define you or your life. Those of us who have been around a while have read and heard a lot and your story is one of extreme disrespect for both you and your children at a time when you needed your H the most, the birth of a new baby, his baby.
We will be here for you every step of the way whatever you decide and you do not need to decide anything right now. You can take your time to listen, continue IC and even start MC but the control is with you, the timing of everything is with you. And the choices are yours to make.
Take good care of yourself and your children first and foremost. Protect yourself and your babies. If he is sincere he will show it by his actions but remember you are not and never will be anyone's back-up plan. You are worth more than that.
R is a hard road and not an easy option. Those in the R forum will keep you right and watch your back if you choose to go that route. He will need to look long and hard at why he did what he did, and the damage he did to you and the marriage through his selfishness.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hope you're ok Jewlz and that you spoilt yourself at the mall x
We met up on Saturday and it went well. No arguing. He definitely does want to try and work things out. I said things like, you have to be sure that you're willing to do the hard work and will be able to handle hearing about all the pain I've been through. He seemed like he was willing and he has told me that I can take as much time as I need and he doesn't expect anything from me. I told him I honestly don't know right now. We had the baby and we put him in the swing, walked. It started pouring rain and we hid under the playground and I said "this would be romantic if we were in love". He just said "well you said you still love me".
He brings up the relationship he had with OW often and talks about how bad it turned out, how horrible she turned out to be. All she does is drink whiskey, he would invite her and her kids over and 6 other people would show up. How many people live in her house and she wouldn't stop bothering him, she turned into almost a stalker. Now, all these things I could have told him (I knew her) but he still left me for her and didn't care. I need to tell him that I don't want to hear about her or her psycho behavior because it doesn't change the hurt. I think he thinks that it makes me feel better to know what a mess she is but the fact is I knew that. I told him that I was never jealous of her and always thought I was better. He said good. We also talked about how she didn't care. He said as soon as she got his number to schedule playdates (I guess that was the excuse they needed each other's number) that she didn't hesitate. He said he was still fighting it in December. So he had feelings for her when I was 9 months pregnant and was fighting them, Great! I knew it but hearing it hurts. Anyway we talked about how she doesn't care, no respect for me and he said "no, she doesn't" and I said "she will, when she grows up or when it happens to her". I hate her but I also can't be naive and believe him that she was the only one coming on to him...it takes two and he didn't fight it that hard obviously.
We texted Saturday night, let each other know what we were up to, he had the baby and I did get to go the mall (bought myself sunglasses, D&Gs ). I don't spoil myself like that usually but felt I deserved it. I went to the bookstore and picked up After the Affair and NOT Just Friends. I told him I did that. After the park I told him I wanted to lean over and kiss him and he replied he did too and "I miss you".
Ok, don't judge me, or actually yes judge me...I could lie and leave this part out but then I wouldn't get honest feedback from you awesome caring knowledgable and experienced people that I am SO grateful for. Saturday night I sent a text offering phone sex (been a long time for me and seeing him and knowing he's not with OW brought back so much). Well he didn't answer and I felt a little stupid but in the morning he texted and said he fell asleep with the baby early so I said, oh ok I wondered why you passed up my offer and he replied that I should come over. I know, at first I was like, he has nerve, and he does, but, I said to myself, this is for you, and I pushed all the pain and memories of the A aside and went and got what I longed for. For me. It was magical, amazing and at the same time, I felt like it wasn't me. I felt like I was watching someone else from up above. Afterwards, sitting talking, he was talking about mundane things and I was out of it a little and had to hold back from crying. I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I still don't.
So I don't know where to go, the divorce forum or the R forum. I think I will take a look in the R forum because I need the feelings I am having justified. The feelings that I deserve better, that it would be just as easy to move on and not R, that I'm not sure he's even the man I need and want. Do I just want him to be the guy for me but he's not? Am I just going to try R because HE wants to. I am honestly struggling with the fact that I think I want to move on with D but I can't bare to hurt HIM! And also, if I made that decision, what if I regretted it?
One positive thing is that I really do feel like if I decide not to R, I WILL be just fine. I really feel that now. I am there. If he was still with OW, I may not be, but knowing he's not with her, my head cleared quite a bit and I feel like my real feelings for him can be realized. With her, I just wanted him to want me. Now that he does want me back, I can choose.
Ugh, I am in hell! "If you're going through hell, keep going" right?
I don't think you should be ashamed of anything you've done. This has been such a traumatic and confusing situation for you from the get-go. You do whatever it is you need to do to get some clarity. Being intimate with him may have actually been a good thing no matter which direction you take this because it helped you reclaim something important to you but it also revealed a lot about how you feel about him now. Keep on talking to your IC and everybody here. Don't feel rushed to make a decision - you may lean towards R today only to be all about D tomorrow. Do this on YOUR terms. Allow yourself to feel and don't hold back your emotions - they will guide you. You must also stay strong and firm to protect yourself and your children. This is not something he can just bounce back from like it never happened. He's in for a long haul in terms of cleaning up this mess and the bulk of the difficult dirty work rests on his shoulders, not yours.
I'm so happy you have found yourself (even if you don't quite see it this way) in a situation that isn't so hopeless now. The choices are truly yours now and that's something that you haven't had for quite some time now. I hope you can find some solice in that.
Has he made any appointments for IC? Have you talked to him about a formal NC letter? What kind of conditions for R have you communicated to him.
Good choice with the D&Gs! I'm a sunglass-snob. I have over 10 pairs! My fav is Prada. I bought a beautiful pair of Gucci in Rome last year. I always get compliments on my D&Gs though! Keep treating yourself to nice things - you'll be able to afford more once his ass starts paying you back for the funds he depleted from your savings. You did tell him he needed to do that, right? If not, that needs to be added to the list of conditions for R. If not, your lawyer should definitely make it a condition for D.
Hey Jewlz Good job spoiling yourself a little. It's great that you feel entitled give something to yourself. You do deserve it.
I'm not the best at giving advice but I just wanted to say that even though you feel confused, I hear so much strength and self care in your words.
I really do admire you and how you have handled yourself through this all.
I guess for me, the biggest struggle at the start of R was feeling like I was the biggest fool ever for staying in the marriage. I felt like my H got away with his A. I struggled with how it made me feel about myself. I questioned if I had any self respect left for choosing R.
I quickly learnt that my H definitely wasn't 'getting away with his A'. R is hard work. It's hard on both of us. I actually expected my H to leave once he realized how hard R was but he didn't. The shallow, selfish man I believed he was stepped up to the plate. He has opened right up to me. Told me of his CSA which was huge for him as he had never told a soul. He has shown personal growth beyond my expectations. I am so glad I decided to R. He is turning out to be an amazing H. I would never ever have believed he had it in him. I am still shocked at his progress so far. He/we still have work to do but we are quickly learning that there will always be work to do if we want to keep our marriage evolving happily and healthily.
I'm not telling you to choose R and who knows how your WH would cope with the workload of R. All I am saying is that if you feel he's finally getting it and you have any desire to R for you, not him, then maybe give yourself some time to test that road and see where it leads you. You can always file if in time you realize it's the right choice for you but while u have that seed of doubt, my advice would be to give yourself time to explore the possibility of R.
Maybe your WH will shock you as much as mine has, maybe he won't but I feel like time will give you a clearer answer.
All the best to you and may you find happiness for you and your children no matter what path you decide to take x
Thanks so much both! Yes, he had called an IC on Thursday and texted me to tell me she didn't call her back. He sounded anxious actually about it so yes, he wants to get in asap. I did email him before we met up and brought up the NC letter but since he got his new phone said he didn't get the email and I didn't bring it up in conversation because he told me how things ended up so bad and how he told her she was the worst mistake he ever made in his life to her face.
As far as conditions, I guess I didn't really list any out except for letting him know that he really needs to be ready for hard work. He said one of his worries is that I will never trust him.
I do have conditions though and we will definitely have to talk more. I want us to get closer to God, pray. We've never done this, never gone to church together or even talked about religion. Access to his phone, paying back the money. This is going to be another problem as he is still complaining that he can barely afford to eat.
Am I going to be rolling my eyes for years? I am afraid he doesn't know what he's in for. But Optimistic's post is great about how her H turned around from a selfish person to really showing he has what it takes to be strong. I also feel the same way, like what am I crazy? He gets to have this whirlwind romance and passion with some whore and what did I get? I got spit up on and changed diapers and major depression, up at night, anxiety, no appetite while he was doing who knows what? I feel like I want a new romance. Experience a new body and hate him for like you said, "getting away with it". So thank you, because you are right, he really is not going to get away with it, is he?
Another issue is our family, especially mine and my mother. She had to step in and help take care of the kids while he was off with this OW and watched me cry and suffer and just him wanting to R angered her tremendously and as I tried to tell her some things he said, she wouldn't even let me finish or say how I felt but just say "liar liar" or some mean comment. She HATES him, does not want to look at him and she has given me the cold shoulder since Saturday now because I told her I didn't know what to do. She has her mind made up and in fact throughout this whole time, even when his grandmother or father would call and say maybe he will come back, I'd hear my mother say, "oh no, she's not going back, it's over." She has been set on this and will disown me I think if I even meet with him.
So now, my mother who's been with me and there for me, I have to practically lie to about my whereabouts and what I'm doing and thinking. Nothing will be easy. The whole town and our whole family know everything! I will look like the biggest fool I'm sure.
Right now, don't worry about what ANYBODY thinks. Eff the town! You do what your gut tells you to do without the outside pressure from others. Only heed the advice of others when you've ASKED for it. I think it's important for you to sit down with your mother and talk to her about all of the things you've learned here. All of the emotions you're feeling. Thank her for all of the support she's lent you. Thank her for being the best kind of mother there is. Tell her that her strength and support through all of this has showed you the kind of mother YOU want to be - one who makes sacrifices, stays strong and fights, and who supports her children through thick and thin. Tell her that you need her to keep an open mind and continue to be supportive throughout this ordeal. Tell her it's not over yet - that you need some time to work through the emotions you were never given the opportunity to work through. Tell her that there's a pretty good possibility that you won't take him back because there's been so much damage done. Tell her that the road to R will be very rough for him if you choose that is the route you need to explore. Tell her that HE will need to face her sometime soon and that will most likely be his first taste of the hell that R can be. Tell her that she is entitled to venting her hurt and anger when that happens - no holding back; however, she must respect the route you are taking (R or D) and that once she's expressed her feelings to your WH, she must work to heal herself and her relationship with him if R is what you choose.
Make sure you tell your mother that if R is ultimately the route you choose, you will go into it a different person. You will always put you and your children's security first, ready for anything that may be thrust upon you unexpectedly. You will always be ready to cast your WH out of your life forever at the drop of a hat with no worries about how you'll survive without him. She needs to feel like you're in a solid, secure place. She needs to feel like you're not vulnerable to being destroyed any further. She's your mother and she loves you more than anyone or anything in this world. Reassure her that you now have all the control. Invite her to be a part of the healing process - no matter if it's R or D.
Anewday, thank you so much! Perfect, I needed that. I was thinking that too, that soon he will need to talk to her and apologize deeply and she will get her chance to express her anger I'm sure. This will be difficult for him for sure. He is the master of avoiding conflict like this (obviously, since he cheated instead of working on our issues). I appreciate your post! I may even need to refer to it when I speak to her!
p.s. Can a person really have a "whirlwind romance and passion" with a whore? I think not. It was just cheap, dirty lust. Your husband went off the deep end and thought there was a more carefree and fun life out there for him. When reality hit, he realized she's nothing but a POS whore. He also realized that his life at home - with YOU and your children - was not so bad. Maybe it went on so long because he realized how bad he messed up and that you probably wouldn't take him back. I suspect that's what keeps a lot of cheating husbands/wives away for so long - they think that it's over without even considering the possibility that their BWs/BHs might take them back with some hard work and dedication on their parts.
Remember, your mother felt POWERLESS when she saw you broken for all these months. She needs to feel like she's regained some kind of control too. I think it's up to you to help her realize that she's regained that control. What better way for her to get that feeling than to not only tell her all those things I pointed-out, but also allow her to get him face-to-face and give him a piece of her mind. Just let your WH know that it's one of the conditions you have for R and that he's going to have to suck it up and take it. Perhaps he should go through a few IC sessions before your mother gets her hands on him! He might need the strength only a professional can help him find in order to face mama bear!!
Yes, it WAS a lot of what you said I think. He thought he wanted that fun carefree life. I said to him about it being new and fun. And he said "yeah, for a minute". He said he doesn't know why he ever wanted to be alone. He said that everything since he left and was with her seemed "upside down". But, what also really hurt (and these little pieces of info trickle out and they seem innocent at the time but then fester) was that he said he went to a spanish club with her, twice. This is a guy who rides a back hoe, hunts, a total white guy hick and who dislikes spanish music and would never even dance with me. Because I happen to like spanish music and dancing. So this hurt, that he went and did that with her. He said he did not dance and didn't enjoy it, especially the second one but ugh.
I get why you could get sucked into being intimate with him, but suggest that both of you get tested for STDs.
Sorry, but this troll he's been with sounds nasty.
Yes Faithfool, I believe you are right. He said he doesn't need to be, not sure what that means. I think he thinks it's not possible or would never happen to him but I am going to bring it up again. I would be so embarassed to go to my ob/gyn who just delivered my 4th child for that. The receptionist was going on about how nice it was that we were still together for so long.
Just remember...he is telling you he's willing to do the hard work to R..he's willing to listen to your pain...it's very easy to say something,and harder to follow through.
He's already balking at the STD test.
It takes 3-5 years to heal from this..and it is HARD.
Is he really willing to do the work? Maybe.
He doesn't have to come home..he can do alot of the hard work without living with you...give it time..make him prove it to you...make him earn it...he has a VERY long way to go.
Jewlz - Part of Reconciliation is to be completely honest in every regard with one another. That means he needs to cover the base of getting tested for STD. Also the lesson in this for him is that he very well could have gotten something. Condoms are not 100% effective. Plus it will be humiliating to him. Bottom line, it is necessary for everyone's health.