What the hell am I doing? I swear, I felt the the dirty OW in his life and he was cheating on her!
Yeah, he thinks the STD check is funny, I know it's not and you're right. He also got me pregnant with our two last children on accident so he doesn't think about these things and I'm sure he didn't wear "one" with her. I'm sure. I don't even want to ask because I don't want to hear him admit it. You're so right and making him go get tested will make the reality of the disgustingness real to him. I was thinking with my heart and lust yesterday, not with my brain.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 12:54 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
You are not the OW. You are his wife. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high. HE should be ashamed.
Im worried that he thinks you wanting him to get tested is "funny." He fucked a whore. Ask him why it's funny.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I can totally understand your desiring to be intimate...you L him, and what better way to show one's love? Don't beat yourself up. Try to not be physical again, though, until you get the results from the STD tests.
Yes, it stinks that his neighbors knew OW first...or at all. You are not the OW, you are his rightful W, and I'm sure the neighbors who know, get that.
Of course it doesn't matter what they think, but after what you've been through, you don't need more prying eyes and whispers making you feel worse than you already do. Don't beat yourself up for worrying about how you might look to them...your feelings and thoughts are normal.
You mom is understandably worried for you. She is probably also worried for herself. She can't bear to go through another breakup either...she was right there with you, helping keep things together. Whatever you do, don't lie to her. She'll feel disrespected, and you'll look like a child to her, and she'll feel betrayed.
Have a heart-to-heart with her, before she talks with your H. Tell her how much you appreciate her, and you know H's actions hurt her too. Tell her you L your H, and that you might want to give him another chance, based on how he handles things now. Tell her you aren't going to choose between the two of them, as long as H behaves properly from now on, you choose your mom and him.
You're doing things right...you were during the A, and you are now.
Big hug for you, (((((Jewlz)))))
It sounds like his fog is clearing, and he may be willing to make an effort to R. It's completely up to YOU. Not him, not your mom, not the town. This is your decision to make.
Think about what you truly need and want from him for R to even be possible. Clearly outline those things, and be ready to follow through with consequences if he chooses to not follow through, or waffle on them.
You have been amazingly strong throughout this. Remember there was something fundamentally broken within him that led him to make the choices he has made, and until he understands what it is, and works to fix it you are leaving yourself open to him repeating it.
Your mom is concerned because she has seen her baby girl (and yes even now you are still her baby) go through pain and anguish that no one should, along with disrespect, and abuse. It is a hard thing for a parent to watch. But if your H really really gets it, and you guys are able to really R. She will back you up. He needs to apologize to her in a very sincere heartfelt manner as well.
My Mother has a very good respect for my H. She was mad as hell when it all went down, but she see how he has fixed himself, and our marriage, and that I am happy and healthy. She has a healthy respect for what he has done. It took some time, but not forever.
I would not cancel the D at this point if I were you, and take it all with a cautious optimism, but remember to protect your heart.
Glad the ball is in your court now. Take the time to figure out what you want and I wouldnt let any family or community members influence your decision. His relationship with your family is HIS to repair. He has to know that and how important it is to you as you start R, if you decide to start it. My husband had a lot to deal with when it came to my siblings and friends and it has taken over a year for those relationships to heal. My siblings still dont like him but are cordial enough for me and the kids.
As far as him getting away with the affair... it feels like it sometimes. I feel like he is too sometimes. But I think they lose a lot too because of the affair. Not nearly as much as us... but they do.
We never really look at them the same. They're grown men that have to check in now and let us have full access to their things. They lose respect from family, friends, community and most importantly their own children. And all that loss can not be blamed circumstances out of their control but because of the actions they consciously decided to take.
Yesterday, his cousin's wife came to talk to me at work here and asked me if they went to the same gym together. I said yes, she goes to the same gym that he used to go to until he switched to another one so yes they probably did go to the same one. I hadn't even REALLY thought about this before because I thought I knew when they started talking. I asked her why and the look on her face scared me. She said she heard her husband talking about my H messing around with someone at the gym and this was before football/cheer season she thought. She said she thinks this all started a long time ago and that they pretended to just meet on the field in front of me. Now all kinds of things are running through my mind. Did they befriend before I thought in late fall? Did their EA start way earlier than December because he did say he was "still fighting it in December" in regard to his interest in her. Whore wouldn't stop texting him he says.
I don't know what the hell to believe anymore and I'm honestly sick of it. I'm 35 years old, with a full time job and 4 kids and and really don't need to be checking his phone and worrying about this bullshit! I don't need it. I deserve a fresh start and romance. I hate him and he has nothing to f'n offer me. I hate myself for even feeling sorry for him. Do I want someone I feel sorry for? Someone I have to constantly comfort, even after HE had an A!!! WTF am I even doing?
I can't believe I even texted him "I love you" last night and he hasn't responded. So, I already feel like giving up and that I am going to get hurt by even believing his intentions are sincere. My mother may be right, he is still a liar. Plus, the ongoing talking about how bad OW turned out, like he is trying to make me feel bad for him. Poor me, my girlfriend didn't work out, I've had it so rough.
As much as I can't imagine my life without him right now, I am having a hard time imagining him in it and ever forgiving or not being angry. You think he could have at least bought me f'n flowers by now. Hello?
I also gave him back the ring he gave me in the hospital on Xmas morning and he took it. We both acknowledged that it meant nothing. He said he didn't even remember it. I told him that day was the happiest day and the day after was one of the worst. The pain in my heart and hallowness in my chest is unreal just thinking of it. I don't think this man will EVER begin to understand my pain.
He has his first session in IC tomorrow and I think this is all it will be for now. He wants to come by and see the kids and I tonight after work. I think I'm going to 180 hard.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 9:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
Lastly, can you contact your cell company and get the records from last year?
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are still on the rollercoaster and it takes a long time to depart only to get on again even if you don't want to.
You are hurt and scared and you loved your husband. All perfectly understandable.
What he has put you and your kids through is horrid.
I hope he can get some clarity through IC but for now you have to try and remain strong.
He has to prove through his actions that he is even worth considering. By not even texting you back, really?
That sounds terribly selfish. He only wants to know he has you as an option, under his conditions.
Take the power back and define YOUR conditions.
You are stronger than you ever thought you were. Keep your head held high. You did nothing wrong. He did.
One day at a time. Good luck. We are here and rooting you on.
Remember, that just because you love him doesn't mean that you have to be with him. You need to take advantage of this time to achieve a few things:
1. True independence - You need to prove to yourself that you'll be able to make it on your own without him regardless of whether you ultimately R or D.
2. Personal growth - You need to have more girls' nights out and widen your sphere of friends. Invest in some fun. Invest in your spirit. Invest in your appearance. Do things that make YOU feel good. This is NOT about reconnecting with him - it's about reconnecting AND reclaiming YOU. What is your custody arrangement like now? Does he get the kids every week or every other week? If I were you, I'd see to it that he takes them more often so you can have some adult time. You need to get out and have some time for you to make a life for yourself beyond being mommy. You didn't make those kids by yourself, so he needs to step-up and start being a father to them. Go out with your friends. Make new ones. Have fun!
3. Emotional stability - Continue to vent your emotions/frustrations/confusions with your friends, family, IC, and your friends here. You need to be able to talk about these things with people who have your best interests at heart. The more you reach out for support and advice, the more you'll receive. Don't feel pressured to make a decision. You may decide that R is a possibility today; however, next week/month/year/decade you may decide that he's not worth the work and you're over him. That's for YOU to decide when YOU feel as though YOU have enough clarity to make a solid decision.
4. GET ANSWERS - That mother effer needs to start talking. Get the answers you need to make a more informed decision - and, again, that's not to say that you have to make your decision immediately. Make him write you a timeline, mull over the facts, and continue to do 1-3 until you feel comfortable making a decision. Talk to other people (i.e. his cousin's wife) and find out exactly what they know if that's what you feel you need to do.
5. No Pity - Do NOT let his sorry state of affairs guilt you into being easy on him or feeling like you're obligated to take him back. He ADMITTED that he knew what he was doing but did it anyway. The thing is, he didn't just do this to you, he did this to HIS OWN CHILDREN. That should be more than enough for you to show him absolutely no pity for "feeling alone" or "needing somebody to tell him there's a light at the end of the tunnel." He doesn't deserve your pity right now. He doesn't deserve the comfort you can provide. He deserves uncertainty. He deserves shame. He deserves a sense of loss and dispair. Let him experience those emotions as you have for so many months now and just remember one thing while he's wallowing in it all - HE ACTUALLY DESERVES IT!
P.S. You NEED to get that ring back so you can pawn it and replenish some of the money he stole from you! Frankly, if I were you, I'd pawn my diamond engagement ring too. If you decide to get back with him, he can buy you a new one.
You are so far along on your way to putting you life together without WH...keep working toward that. If you later believe he has really changed, loves you and wants to be with you, you can M him again.
You are strong, and you deserve to be happy...alone or at least with someone you can trust, and who cherishes you.
Your anger is so healthy. Tap into that.
[This message edited by Blobette at 8:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
I told him to go back to his whiskey whore and he said ďwhy are you being so mean?Ē I broke down, went off. ďBecause Iím angry and hurtÖI wanted to grow old with you, I am so scared that I will never forgive you, so scared that I will hate you forever. You are not the man I thought you were and Iím so disappointed. I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a minute and have to sit here and think about someone you knew having sex with me, cumming all over me. I hate her, I want to kill her. I sat at XXXís house, just a few days after finding out and I was crying, breastfeeding, could barely breath and her daughter left to go shopping and called us and said she saw her at Joyce Leslie shopping for clothes! You donít even like Spanish music and you went to Spanish clubs with her?!! You two are out clubbing while I canít even go grocery shopping without having a panic attack. She didnít give a $hit about me and neither did you!Ē and I walked inside. He sat and listened with his head down..I heard him whisper "I'm sorry" in there somewhere. He just left when I went inside. He doesnít or wonít know how to handle any of this, my anger, my hurt. He canít handle it. He wants easy. He wonít tell me what the reason was he cheated but he says he was unhappy. Ok.
I texted that I canít do this, that if I didnít know how unhappy he was, I wonít know next time until heís in bed with the next whore and that he left me for her and now that it didnít work, Iím some back up plan? That Iím 35 with 4 kids and a career and donít need to be checking up on my husbands cell phone, wondering if heís where he says and lies and bullshit.
He didn't reply. Now I'm afraid in a way that I pushed him away. At the same time, I feel good about leaving him with uncertainty and giving him a peice of what it was like for me. It feels like I haven't even begun to explain what it was like and what I went through. When I mentioned some things on Saturday, I was calm and almost sarcastic but last night, I was tearful and serious! Hurt was pouring out of me and he felt it. If it scares him off, so be it.
I'm so down, feel so hopeless. I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone. How will I ever listen to him talk about his hunting trip with excitement and happiness for him? How will I care about how his day went? All I am is disappointed and angry and I feel like plan B. I deserve more than that but I miss him so much and want my family back together.
IC tonight (because it's important and I make sacrifices to go to it!!!)
[This message edited by Jewlz at 8:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
Of course you wanted to give him the opportunity. Nothing wrong there. You weren't given that when he left.
Now you can decide what you want, it seems like he kinda gets it, but not really. I say stay the course (road to D) and if he defoggs, and eventually gets it, then it's completely up to you what to do with that.
You are an amazing woman, and you will be fine on your own. You will be one of those ladies that when the newbies in similar shoes join that will really be able to show them that it's not the end of the world, and that you can survive, and become an even stronger woman from it.
I admire your strength (I know you feel as though you have NO strength, but you DO)! I just wanted to comment and tell you that almost word for word how you feel about your husband is exactly how I feel. Every time I read a post of yours, it's like it came out of my mouth.
My H and I are in R, but it's very scary and it's still not something that I feel will work in the end? I'm about to have a baby in T-minus 1 week...this has been going on my entire pregnancy (the A has), found out at 7 months pregnant. It's been the most devastating experience I could ever imagine, and each new day brings about new fears and concerns about the future. I also feel that there is a good possibility that my H is "fighting for us" only b/c the OW is finalllly done with this mess...and that's hurtful. He was head over heels for her :( He tried to leave me a couple times and came back.
Anywho, this post isn't intended to be about me, just wanted you to know that I relate to you. I'm 35 as well. One day you want him so badly, you want it desperately to work and the next you question if that's ever going to happen. The blind trust, the innocent love feels so far gone :( I know how you feel when you get really honest with him and then fear you pushed him away! You want him to FIGHT for you, and when he is just real passive about it, it's so hurtful. I would absolutely insist your H goes to IC as a requirement for R!
Please know that I'm praying for you and your kids. I'm not sure if you're spiritual at all, but just so you know...God knows exactly where you are right now...and He will give you the grace and the strength to conquer each day
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he stil l be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!
Fuck that shit.
I think you are right to tread very, very carefully. Your mother is 100% correct in my opinion. And the fact he didnt go to IC - well, that says it all really.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway
My heart aches for you. It does. I am so sorry for all you've been through and continue to go through, especially without true input from your WH.
I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone
It is gone and only he, through his actions can restore it. It will never be the same but it can be different.
I know it is so hard to let go but try the NC with him unless it pertains to the kids at this point. He is stringing you along and this only causes you more heartache.
Stay strong and know that you matter.
(((hugs and prayers)))