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Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Thank you, absolutely. He has a 12 month lease on this new place of his so he can stay there. For sure. She has been there and met his neighbors and all so when I was there, I felt like an idiot. I introduced myself to the neighbor when I pulled up in my car "hi, I'm WHs wife, or ex wife" and smiled. I knew she probably had met skank whore whiskey bitch and her kids. It was quite embarassing but it's not like I don't know about the OW and I'm just there. I said that to him as I was leaving and there were more neighbors outside, said I was nervous because they've met her. And he says "they've only met her like 3 times". GRRRR
What the hell am I doing? I swear, I felt the the dirty OW in his life and he was cheating on her!
Yeah, he thinks the STD check is funny, I know it's not and you're right. He also got me pregnant with our two last children on accident so he doesn't think about these things and I'm sure he didn't wear "one" with her. I'm sure. I don't even want to ask because I don't want to hear him admit it. You're so right and making him go get tested will make the reality of the disgustingness real to him. I was thinking with my heart and lust yesterday, not with my brain.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 12:54 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
Tell him you want to see those test results,in writing,from the doctor. They can print them off easy-peasy.
You are not the OW. You are his wife. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high. HE should be ashamed.
Im worried that he thinks you wanting him to get tested is "funny." He fucked a whore. Ask him why it's funny.
For sure get the STD test, and require it of him as part of R.
I can totally understand your desiring to be intimate...you L him, and what better way to show one's love? Don't beat yourself up. Try to not be physical again, though, until you get the results from the STD tests.
Yes, it stinks that his neighbors knew OW first...or at all. You are not the OW, you are his rightful W, and I'm sure the neighbors who know, get that.
Of course it doesn't matter what they think, but after what you've been through, you don't need more prying eyes and whispers making you feel worse than you already do. Don't beat yourself up for worrying about how you might look to them...your feelings and thoughts are normal.
You mom is understandably worried for you. She is probably also worried for herself. She can't bear to go through another breakup either...she was right there with you, helping keep things together. Whatever you do, don't lie to her. She'll feel disrespected, and you'll look like a child to her, and she'll feel betrayed.
Have a heart-to-heart with her, before she talks with your H. Tell her how much you appreciate her, and you know H's actions hurt her too. Tell her you L your H, and that you might want to give him another chance, based on how he handles things now. Tell her you aren't going to choose between the two of them, as long as H behaves properly from now on, you choose your mom and him.
You're doing things right...you were during the A, and you are now.
Big hug for you, (((((Jewlz)))))
It sounds like his fog is clearing, and he may be willing to make an effort to R. It's completely up to YOU. Not him, not your mom, not the town. This is your decision to make.
Think about what you truly need and want from him for R to even be possible. Clearly outline those things, and be ready to follow through with consequences if he chooses to not follow through, or waffle on them.
You have been amazingly strong throughout this. Remember there was something fundamentally broken within him that led him to make the choices he has made, and until he understands what it is, and works to fix it you are leaving yourself open to him repeating it.
Your mom is concerned because she has seen her baby girl (and yes even now you are still her baby) go through pain and anguish that no one should, along with disrespect, and abuse. It is a hard thing for a parent to watch. But if your H really really gets it, and you guys are able to really R. She will back you up. He needs to apologize to her in a very sincere heartfelt manner as well.
My Mother has a very good respect for my H. She was mad as hell when it all went down, but she see how he has fixed himself, and our marriage, and that I am happy and healthy. She has a healthy respect for what he has done. It took some time, but not forever.
I would not cancel the D at this point if I were you, and take it all with a cautious optimism, but remember to protect your heart.
This could have been an early-onslaught mid-life crisis. I think this happens to more women and men than is reported. I think a new baby can bring it to a head faster and more aggressively - I'm by NO MEANS making excuses for him btw because the way he handled it couldn't be ANY worse. Perhaps in your WH's case, he found himself in the perfect storm. Here he's spiraling into a mid-life crisis and, conveniently, along comes an amoral skank who is, at least on the surface, coming from the same place. Wow, she just so happens to be married with 4 kids too! I guess if we do this, it'll be easier for me because I won't feel like so much of a scumbag for betraying my wife and kids because she's doing the same thing. At least I won't be the only one. Thing is, none of this was EVER about her. She didn't have anything special that lured him away from you. She was available and willing at a time that he was weak, lost, and confused. If it weren't her, it would have been some other common gutter trash. So, she doesn't hold a candle to you - REMEMBER THAT! He went to a Spanish club with her? You actually think SHE managed to bring that type of adventurous side out of him? I'm telling you, it WAS NOT her. All she symbolized to him was a ticket out of daddy-husbandland to single-bachelordom (or BachelorDUMB). He went to that club with her, not to appease her or because he was actually interested in doing something that she enjoyed - he did it to maintain the false symbol of his "freedom." I will add, this is just one of the many things that most likely made him change his mind about her and I'm speaking from experience. Let me tell you how I know: A couple of years ago, I was feeling down about being single. All my friends were in relationships and I hadn't been in a serious relationship for YEARS. I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me - like I wasn't "normal." I was feeling all this external pressure to conform to what I perceived to be "normal" - being in a committed, serious relationship. So, I started talking to a guy and only kind of liked him. One day he called me and asked me if I wanted to go rock climbing at some indoor climbing place. I am NOT the rock-climbing type. AT ALL. Because I felt an internal pressure to make this potentially new relationship work (because it symbolized the "normalcy" I was so hell-bent on establishing in my life), I agreed. Let me tell you, I got halfway up that wall and in my head it clicked - "this SOOOOOO isn't going to work." It took a few more situations/things/activities for me to become certain that we were just incompatible before I finally ended it; however, as effective as those situations/things/activities were in terms of proving to me that we were incompatible, what truly helped me end it was when I finally became comfortable with my own reality and stopped chasing after the reality of everybody else in my life - the reality being that I was single and hadn't found the right person yet and that was OK. I realized that I don't have to fit the mold anybody else projects. My life is MINE and I was where I was supposed to be the whole time. I also realized that the grass is always greener from the other side: being in a relatioship takes compromise and I did not want to compromise with somebody who shared such starkly different interests from my own.
Glad the ball is in your court now. Take the time to figure out what you want and I wouldnt let any family or community members influence your decision. His relationship with your family is HIS to repair. He has to know that and how important it is to you as you start R, if you decide to start it. My husband had a lot to deal with when it came to my siblings and friends and it has taken over a year for those relationships to heal. My siblings still dont like him but are cordial enough for me and the kids.
As far as him getting away with the affair... it feels like it sometimes. I feel like he is too sometimes. But I think they lose a lot too because of the affair. Not nearly as much as us... but they do.
We never really look at them the same. They're grown men that have to check in now and let us have full access to their things. They lose respect from family, friends, community and most importantly their own children. And all that loss can not be blamed circumstances out of their control but because of the actions they consciously decided to take.
Everything in my mind is telling me that R is impossible. I feel like he is saying things but not really meaning or feeling it. He says he isn't going anywhere (same thing he said when he told me he was leaving me a month before Dday so whatever). And he says he'll give me all the time I need and wait however long it takes and that he just wants us back. I am starting to feel though that I'm still in love with him and he is not with me. I think he just wants his life back to normal because he feels so upside down with the crazy choices he's made and it has less to do with loving and missing me. He said last night that he misses me and says "that's a good sign, right?" Sign of what? I guess I was just expecting more from him. Maybe expecting too much too soon.
Yesterday, his cousin's wife came to talk to me at work here and asked me if they went to the same gym together. I said yes, she goes to the same gym that he used to go to until he switched to another one so yes they probably did go to the same one. I hadn't even REALLY thought about this before because I thought I knew when they started talking. I asked her why and the look on her face scared me. She said she heard her husband talking about my H messing around with someone at the gym and this was before football/cheer season she thought. She said she thinks this all started a long time ago and that they pretended to just meet on the field in front of me. Now all kinds of things are running through my mind. Did they befriend before I thought in late fall? Did their EA start way earlier than December because he did say he was "still fighting it in December" in regard to his interest in her. Whore wouldn't stop texting him he says.
I don't know what the hell to believe anymore and I'm honestly sick of it. I'm 35 years old, with a full time job and 4 kids and and really don't need to be checking his phone and worrying about this bullshit! I don't need it. I deserve a fresh start and romance. I hate him and he has nothing to f'n offer me. I hate myself for even feeling sorry for him. Do I want someone I feel sorry for? Someone I have to constantly comfort, even after HE had an A!!! WTF am I even doing?
I can't believe I even texted him "I love you" last night and he hasn't responded. So, I already feel like giving up and that I am going to get hurt by even believing his intentions are sincere. My mother may be right, he is still a liar. Plus, the ongoing talking about how bad OW turned out, like he is trying to make me feel bad for him. Poor me, my girlfriend didn't work out, I've had it so rough.
As much as I can't imagine my life without him right now, I am having a hard time imagining him in it and ever forgiving or not being angry. You think he could have at least bought me f'n flowers by now. Hello?
I also gave him back the ring he gave me in the hospital on Xmas morning and he took it. We both acknowledged that it meant nothing. He said he didn't even remember it. I told him that day was the happiest day and the day after was one of the worst. The pain in my heart and hallowness in my chest is unreal just thinking of it. I don't think this man will EVER begin to understand my pain.
He has his first session in IC tomorrow and I think this is all it will be for now. He wants to come by and see the kids and I tonight after work. I think I'm going to 180 hard.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 9:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
Ok Jewelz, hugs, hugs, hugs to you. Yes, 180 now! I think so much has happened so quickly that you need a break. He doesn't sound remorseful and the things he's saying/doing and not saying/not doing are only making you upset. Can you go NC with him unless it's about kids for even a week? Just tell him you need space to think and clear your mind. Spend as much time as you can taking care of you. Get a facial, massage or pedicure (or all three) and have some pampering done! You don't have to make any decisions right now. Try to get some peace and quiet. Maybe pick up a good book and let your mind go elsewhere if you can...
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
Lastly, can you contact your cell company and get the records from last year?
He doesn't care about me, he just wants his life back to normal. I can't stop thinking about how when the baby was only a week old and I couldn't even nap with him, because I'd be thinking and crying about her being in my home when I was in the hospital and I even mentioned it to him and said to him how I already had suspicion because of what I saw and how he could have told me then. But he didn't, he wasn't thinking of me, he was thinking of him, him and her and protecting his little secret, even after seeing me in pain. I just can't f'n do this shit! I'm soooo mad.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are still on the rollercoaster and it takes a long time to depart only to get on again even if you don't want to.
You are hurt and scared and you loved your husband. All perfectly understandable.
What he has put you and your kids through is horrid.
I hope he can get some clarity through IC but for now you have to try and remain strong.
He has to prove through his actions that he is even worth considering. By not even texting you back, really?
That sounds terribly selfish. He only wants to know he has you as an option, under his conditions.
Take the power back and define YOUR conditions.
You are stronger than you ever thought you were. Keep your head held high. You did nothing wrong. He did.
One day at a time. Good luck. We are here and rooting you on.
Jewlz, I have a feeling you're going to be on this rollercoaster for a while now that OW is out of the picture. From what you describe, your mixed emotions are completely normal. I urge you to proceed with caution with him. He could very well be feeling sorry for his current sad state of affairs and realizes that getting back with you could remedy that situation quite a bit. You have to think about what's best for you and the kids right now. Again, he needs to get his ass into counseling, and as an outsider looking in, I don't think you'll be able to move forward with anything but D until he gets his head right.
Remember, that just because you love him doesn't mean that you have to be with him. You need to take advantage of this time to achieve a few things:
1. True independence - You need to prove to yourself that you'll be able to make it on your own without him regardless of whether you ultimately R or D.
2. Personal growth - You need to have more girls' nights out and widen your sphere of friends. Invest in some fun. Invest in your spirit. Invest in your appearance. Do things that make YOU feel good. This is NOT about reconnecting with him - it's about reconnecting AND reclaiming YOU. What is your custody arrangement like now? Does he get the kids every week or every other week? If I were you, I'd see to it that he takes them more often so you can have some adult time. You need to get out and have some time for you to make a life for yourself beyond being mommy. You didn't make those kids by yourself, so he needs to step-up and start being a father to them. Go out with your friends. Make new ones. Have fun!
3. Emotional stability - Continue to vent your emotions/frustrations/confusions with your friends, family, IC, and your friends here. You need to be able to talk about these things with people who have your best interests at heart. The more you reach out for support and advice, the more you'll receive. Don't feel pressured to make a decision. You may decide that R is a possibility today; however, next week/month/year/decade you may decide that he's not worth the work and you're over him. That's for YOU to decide when YOU feel as though YOU have enough clarity to make a solid decision.
4. GET ANSWERS - That mother effer needs to start talking. Get the answers you need to make a more informed decision - and, again, that's not to say that you have to make your decision immediately. Make him write you a timeline, mull over the facts, and continue to do 1-3 until you feel comfortable making a decision. Talk to other people (i.e. his cousin's wife) and find out exactly what they know if that's what you feel you need to do.
5. No Pity - Do NOT let his sorry state of affairs guilt you into being easy on him or feeling like you're obligated to take him back. He ADMITTED that he knew what he was doing but did it anyway. The thing is, he didn't just do this to you, he did this to HIS OWN CHILDREN. That should be more than enough for you to show him absolutely no pity for "feeling alone" or "needing somebody to tell him there's a light at the end of the tunnel." He doesn't deserve your pity right now. He doesn't deserve the comfort you can provide. He deserves uncertainty. He deserves shame. He deserves a sense of loss and dispair. Let him experience those emotions as you have for so many months now and just remember one thing while he's wallowing in it all - HE ACTUALLY DESERVES IT!
P.S. You NEED to get that ring back so you can pawn it and replenish some of the money he stole from you! Frankly, if I were you, I'd pawn my diamond engagement ring too. If you decide to get back with him, he can buy you a new one.
Take any money you get from it and open a joint bank account with your mother so he can't touch it.
P.S. You NEED to get that ring back so you can pawn it and replenish some of the money he stole from you! Frankly, if I were you, I'd pawn my diamond engagement ring too. If you decide to get back with him, he can buy you a new one.
I thought the same thing when I read that you had given it back...it is yours...you two weren't dating, and you had not obligation to give it back...it was bought with your money anyway!
You are so far along on your way to putting you life together without WH...keep working toward that. If you later believe he has really changed, loves you and wants to be with you, you can M him again.
You are strong, and you deserve to be happy...alone or at least with someone you can trust, and who cherishes you.
Anewday has it 100% right! Hear, hear! Jewlz, my heart goes out to you. Separate your heart from his. He doesn't deserve ANYTHING from you right now. Kids and finances. Tell him you need a break from the drama, and he can get back to you once the mind-fucking stops. He's a mess and has nothing to offer you right now, and if he had any humility or real empathy for YOU and the pain he's caused YOU, he would realize that and stay away until he's figured himself out.
Your anger is so healthy. Tap into that.
[This message edited by Blobette at 8:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
He hadn't texted or called and never came by on Tuesday. He came to pick up the kids normal time last night and when he dropped them off we talked. I told him I hadn't heard from him for two days after daily "good mornings" and contact and he started saying his phone died but then said he's trying to give me space and take it slow. He wants to do things right. But he did not go to IC. Said he rescheduled for next week. That was really important for me for him to go but ok. I brought up the gym thing and he said he only saw her one time at the gym and there was no other woman. Started saying how I'm going to believe what I want.
I told him to go back to his whiskey whore and he said ďwhy are you being so mean?Ē I broke down, went off. ďBecause Iím angry and hurtÖI wanted to grow old with you, I am so scared that I will never forgive you, so scared that I will hate you forever. You are not the man I thought you were and Iím so disappointed. I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a minute and have to sit here and think about someone you knew having sex with me, cumming all over me. I hate her, I want to kill her. I sat at XXXís house, just a few days after finding out and I was crying, breastfeeding, could barely breath and her daughter left to go shopping and called us and said she saw her at Joyce Leslie shopping for clothes! You donít even like Spanish music and you went to Spanish clubs with her?!! You two are out clubbing while I canít even go grocery shopping without having a panic attack. She didnít give a $hit about me and neither did you!Ē and I walked inside. He sat and listened with his head down..I heard him whisper "I'm sorry" in there somewhere. He just left when I went inside. He doesnít or wonít know how to handle any of this, my anger, my hurt. He canít handle it. He wants easy. He wonít tell me what the reason was he cheated but he says he was unhappy. Ok.
I texted that I canít do this, that if I didnít know how unhappy he was, I wonít know next time until heís in bed with the next whore and that he left me for her and now that it didnít work, Iím some back up plan? That Iím 35 with 4 kids and a career and donít need to be checking up on my husbands cell phone, wondering if heís where he says and lies and bullshit.
He didn't reply. Now I'm afraid in a way that I pushed him away. At the same time, I feel good about leaving him with uncertainty and giving him a peice of what it was like for me. It feels like I haven't even begun to explain what it was like and what I went through. When I mentioned some things on Saturday, I was calm and almost sarcastic but last night, I was tearful and serious! Hurt was pouring out of me and he felt it. If it scares him off, so be it.
I'm so down, feel so hopeless. I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone. How will I ever listen to him talk about his hunting trip with excitement and happiness for him? How will I care about how his day went? All I am is disappointed and angry and I feel like plan B. I deserve more than that but I miss him so much and want my family back together.
IC tonight (because it's important and I make sacrifices to go to it!!!)
[This message edited by Jewlz at 8:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
You have been amazing through all of this, and quite honestly I think you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarassed about.
He came to you on "bended knees" tell you he saw the error of his ways, and you were willing to give him a chance. Unfortunately he was not honest. With you, or himself.
Of course you wanted to give him the opportunity. Nothing wrong there. You weren't given that when he left.
Now you can decide what you want, it seems like he kinda gets it, but not really. I say stay the course (road to D) and if he defoggs, and eventually gets it, then it's completely up to you what to do with that.
You are an amazing woman, and you will be fine on your own. You will be one of those ladies that when the newbies in similar shoes join that will really be able to show them that it's not the end of the world, and that you can survive, and become an even stronger woman from it.
I've been reading your thread since you first posted. I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, and are still going through
I admire your strength (I know you feel as though you have NO strength, but you DO)! I just wanted to comment and tell you that almost word for word how you feel about your husband is exactly how I feel. Every time I read a post of yours, it's like it came out of my mouth.
My H and I are in R, but it's very scary and it's still not something that I feel will work in the end? I'm about to have a baby in T-minus 1 week...this has been going on my entire pregnancy (the A has), found out at 7 months pregnant. It's been the most devastating experience I could ever imagine, and each new day brings about new fears and concerns about the future. I also feel that there is a good possibility that my H is "fighting for us" only b/c the OW is finalllly done with this mess...and that's hurtful. He was head over heels for her :( He tried to leave me a couple times and came back.
Anywho, this post isn't intended to be about me, just wanted you to know that I relate to you. I'm 35 as well. One day you want him so badly, you want it desperately to work and the next you question if that's ever going to happen. The blind trust, the innocent love feels so far gone :( I know how you feel when you get really honest with him and then fear you pushed him away! You want him to FIGHT for you, and when he is just real passive about it, it's so hurtful. I would absolutely insist your H goes to IC as a requirement for R!
Please know that I'm praying for you and your kids. I'm not sure if you're spiritual at all, but just so you know...God knows exactly where you are right now...and He will give you the grace and the strength to conquer each day
Oh hon. I think he is still lying. And still manipulating. And possibly still seeing/talking to her.
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he stil l be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!
Fuck that shit.
I think you are right to tread very, very carefully. Your mother is 100% correct in my opinion. And the fact he didnt go to IC - well, that says it all really.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
My heart aches for you. It does. I am so sorry for all you've been through and continue to go through, especially without true input from your WH.
I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone
It is gone and only he, through his actions can restore it. It will never be the same but it can be different.
I know it is so hard to let go but try the NC with him unless it pertains to the kids at this point. He is stringing you along and this only causes you more heartache.
Stay strong and know that you matter.
(((hugs and prayers)))
Ok, so NC. Even if he contacts me...no reply. Like he does so well. Thank you all so much!