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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Angry  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so NC. Even if he contacts me...no reply. Like he does so well. Thank you all so much!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sammie has a good point here:
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he still be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!

I'd throw that in his face the next time he tries to pull the pity card.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
grace68
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hon. I think he is still lying. And still manipulating. And possibly still seeing/talking to her.
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he stil l be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!

Fuck that shit.

I think you are right to tread very, very carefully. Your mother is 100% correct in my opinion. And the fact he didnt go to IC - well, that says it all really.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

x2

It shouldn't matter if she was mean, nice, bad...whatever. It should be about missing and wanting to be with his family. You are so much better than a back up plan.

I'm so very sorry. Focus on yourself and your kids. Lean on your friends and family for support. Let him come to you on his knees with a full understanding of what he has done. Until then, NC and 180 except kids and finances.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely agree. He did say how no one could raise these kids better and that he's always loved me (wow. gotta funny way of showing love), I've always been beautiful to him. But yeah, at the park he was saying how she's this and that and I said "well you should have thought about that before you F'd her".

I am totally turned off and shocked by the complaining of the OW and that's why I said I'm not plan B. So she is a partygirl, alcoholic who "pawns her kids off whenever she can" and turned out to be almost to the point of stalker. And "she's a nanny!" he says. I said "it doesn't matter if she was a lawyer". He doesn't get it. If she didn't turn out to be this hot mess, he'd probably still be with her because it's not me he realized he missed and loved. It's the fact that they didn't work out, he's broke, alone, and he realized he blew up his life for that. Misses his kids. Missed out on his new baby (who now he can't stop bragging about how beautiful he is. When he was newborn, he would barely want to be near him.)

When I was at his apartment he was saying things like "we'll get out of that house and live here until the lease is up" talking about how nice it is for the kids there. Saying how I'll be there now when I expressed my concern about OW meeting the neighbors. So what she was here "you'll be here now". I think I have really given in to him for way too long that he expects it. My heart is breaking because I don't know anything else but I can't let him use me like this anymore. Manipulative! Selfish! OMG!

Vent: I am thinking today about the day at the talent show..I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. He was sitting to my right two seats over, OW was sitting behind us, to my left. I look at her, she's holding her phone toward her, texting. I look at him, he's holding his phone toward him so I can't see. Did they f'n get off on this? Like, she's right there, no one will ever know we're texting each other! They sat next to each other in front of everyone we know at the school for movie night in March. It had to be, at least for her, this exciting thing to be so secretive.

I recently told him how she would stare at my face oddly when we talked, especially this one time. He thought about that and said to me at the park how she WAS weird and he noticed she did that with other people too. OK, well I knew this, it's too late, he left me for nuts. Why did he use her? Why is he telling me now how she was? Why does this crazy bitch have to be a part of my life forever?! He LEFT me for this woman and now that she's not who he thought, I should feel for him, believe that it was all because he was unhappy, it was the marriage, and we should work it out. I am not denying our marriage wasn't perfect, BUT crossing boundaries with her had more to do with his decision to be weak than how unhappy he was. He's not getting away with that excuse. And I was pregnant! BE unhappy for a little while and be there for your pregnant wife. Nope, he had to have her over as soon as I gave birth. As soon as I'm hooked up to IV, bleeding postpartum and taking care of our newborn in the FUCKING hospital. They are playing Just Dance 2, watching movies and eating pizza in MY house that I cleaned for the holidays. My gifts waiting for me under the tree! My wedding pictures hanging on the wall! BITCH! She stole my life!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, something evil just crossed my mind. He said he won't tell me the reason he did it. She wanted my life and he has admitted she was stalking my FB and that she wanted him. Could he have done this on purpose to punish me? In his sick mind, something with the MLC, he resented me for his life and she was a way to get back at me??? OMG!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jewlz

She didn't steal your life. She wanted your life but it is still your life. Just looks a whole lot different these days.

I am glad that you found your anger bc your husband is no where near being out of the fog. It is all about him. It should be all about YOU.

He made some horrible, horrible, choices and decisions and he has yet to realize the impact of those.

I too, HATE IT, that the OW was in my house, where our family lives and my children's pictures are everywhere. This still makes my blood boil. Who can do that? No moral code at all. F'ing unbelievable.

Stay strong. You're better than both of them and you know it.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he did this on purpose. He is saying things now like "he's always wanted me". He just didn't know how and wasn't getting what he wanted from me so he did this on purpose.

I thought it was weird that his dad even said "it's like he's punishing you for something". He did speak to his dad.

Ugh, I need a Xanax, I think this is it!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he won't tell me the reason he did it

WTFE.

That is a child's response. Like he's got a secret and he isn't going to tell you.

I can tell you why he did it...because he is a selfish narcissist. He is his own universe and everything should revolve around him.

Keep moving forward with the D.

((healthy hugs and prayers))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're getting ahead of us here. Can you elaborate on this a little more because I don't think you've touched much on this in your past posts. Give us the back-story/details on why you think this:
OMG, something evil just crossed my mind. He said he won't tell me the reason he did it. She wanted my life and he has admitted she was stalking my FB and that she wanted him. Could he have done this on purpose to punish me? In his sick mind, something with the MLC, he resented me for his life and she was a way to get back at me??? OMG!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
grace68
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, he had to have her over as soon as I gave birth. As soon as I'm hooked up to IV, bleeding postpartum and taking care of our newborn in the FUCKING hospital. They are playing Just Dance 2, watching movies and eating pizza in MY house that I cleaned for the holidays. My gifts waiting for me under the tree! My wedding pictures hanging on the wall! BITCH! She stole my life!

This makes me so angry. Men who cheat on their pregnant wives are a special breed of loser.

But she didn't steal your life. Not even close. There's no way she can steal your life because she's not you. I know you're in too much emotional turmoil to realize this right now but there is an exceptional amount of strength and clarity in your posts. With a new baby no less! Based on your WH's current behavior she didn't take anything from you, she just helped you get rid of the trash.

My thoughts are with you and your children.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, just getting overwhelmed and overthinking maybe. She had been liking my pics on FB a lot and just picking up my kids all the time. I think back and I feel like she wanted to be in my life with him, replace me. Maybe just how I felt, but she gives off that stalkerish vibe. Anyway, when I told him she was on my FB liking my pics and some of these things I noticed, he said "I know".

Before I found out about OW, and he was telling me he was leaving, he acted angry and said "maybe I resent you".

Yes, he's a total Narc.


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my dear, I think you nailed it in your last post.

He is a Narc. It's all about him, and his needs, and his dick. FTG.

She did not steal your life, she may have gotten a glimpse of how awesome you are, but I guarantee she is no where near the person you, and therefore, can't have the life you had, and the great life you will moving forward.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm, so he dumped her because of this:
So she is a partygirl, alcoholic who "pawns her kids off whenever she can" and turned out to be almost to the point of stalker. And "she's a nanny!" he says.

And now he expects you to take him back and relieve him of the sorrowful mess he's created for himself when all he's proven to you is that he is a selfish pig who abandons his pregnant wife and kids whenever a willing, warm body shows the slightest bit of interest in him and turns out to be a complete dead-beat dad while acting like an involved father with HER kids. So with all that said, why should YOU not dump HIM!?
Seriously, fuck him to hell and back.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 1:50 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, has he attempted to talk to your oldest son yet? He's got A LOT of hard work and explaining to do there. That is one relationship he HAS to repair. How does your son feel about his dad trying to come back? Does he know the OW's children? Don't they go to the same school? Is seeing her kids at school going to be a problem for him? These are all things your husband needs to think about and figure out how he's going to mitigate the damage.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! Her FOUR children, 7,7, 9 and 11 go to the same school as my 3. My oldest will be in HS this year though. But yeah, my 8 and 10 year old were friends with the children, sleepovers, she'd pick them up to go to the gym so they could hang out while she worked out.

Anyway, no, he has not even talked to him! I asked this. He really is clueless because when I asked how he thought it was ok that she would be there with her kids with our kids there in his apartment (when he first moved in!) he said, honestly, I didn't think it was worse that what was said in front of them this winter. !!!!

I said "so, their parents fighting in their own home was worse than them seeing their dad with his new girlfriend in his new apartment?" Excuses, excuses! It's awful, disgusting and tragic for my children and for their relationship. I'm so disappointed and feel for them so much. They seem to be doing ok though.

Ugh, you're right, he did spend more time with those kids than his own (fucking fog). The same time he was ending things with her, and started apologizing to me was the same time he started being more attentive with the children and baby. All of a sudden, he bought baby gear and took them shopping, picked them up regularly. His dick was more important than his children.
So sick.


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to this:
he said, honestly, I didn't think it was worse than what was said in front of them this winter.

Ask him, why he thinks that the fact your eldest son and you still have a very close and loving relationship despite "all the things that were said in front of them last winter" may differ from HIS relationship with your eldest after the stunt he pulled. CLEARLY, if a CHILD can see something so wrong with what he did, he should be able to see it. Don't let him get away with playing dumb.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh so yeah, my oldest son, who will be 14 on Saturday, never liked the kids, never was friends with them and did NOT like being there with them. He's the one that told me they were there. It upset him. He saw me getting upset after his graduation and said "mom, why are you getting upset, I didn't want him here anyway." So there is a lot of work needed there, yes.

I did mention dad wanted to work things out to each of them and they seemed a bit shocked to be honest. I felt bad in a way, because they saw him with her and now this. To them, they were hearing from OWs nephew, who was in my son's class, "we're going to be stepcousins soon" and saying it in front of the whole class. They are sooo confused. I would tell my oldest how I missed dad and he would say "just forget about dad" because little did I know he saw them together just the week before. He said to me once that he "could tell" that dad liked her or was in love with her. They thought what they had was the real thing. They didn't get the fact that their dad was thinking with his little head and just being selfish having her there. They don't understand that they were just using each other and of course mistake flirting for being in love. What a messed up situation!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. Do you by any chance make more money than him?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jewlz,

I've read your posts from start to finish, and I want you to know that our stories are SO similar it's scary. Seriously scary. Although I didn't know the OW, I know her now. She's trash. My husband recently moved back home and we are working on R. You are so strong. I'll post my story soon too.

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 2:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jewlz,

I think you are right, when you say that you are "plan B."

His A lasted so long. There is so much water under the bridge now. He did so much with/for OW whiskey whore and her children, and neglected you and your children for months. He should have seen her for what she was very soon in their sordid A, but he stayed with her.

Could it be that she tired of him and his lack of money? Now he is trying to win you back?

How will I ever listen to him talk about his hunting trip with excitement and happiness for him? How will I care about how his day went? All I am is disappointed and angry and I feel like plan B.

the answer: If he becomes another person...and only you can decide if he has truely changed.

I don't really believe a person loses their senses for months, then gains them back. They were broken before they went nuts, but hid it from everyone. If they get "fixed" by therapy and some real soul searching, they may become a decent person again, and this time it is like they are a different person, because it will be real.

I hope that wasn't too confusing.

Stand your ground, don't accept crumbs. He needs to consistently repent/reform, and he needs to want IC himself and stick with it. If you are dictating IC to him, then he doesn't really want it, and he sees no need for it.

You've got good instincts, and a good head on your shoulders. You "need" him like you need a pothole in your driveway. You've proven you can drive around the pothole even if you haven't filled it in with dirt yet.

Don't worry about pushing him away with your anger...you have a lot more angry days coming ahead of you, and if he is coming around, he knows he deserves all of it that you have to give. Your anger should feel like a healing balm to him. He needs to feel the depth of the pain he caused to you.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

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