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Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
It could be that he is feeling it more because he is without money. Seems to be the complaint with him...the fact that he is now in this lease for a year, that he barely can eat. I said, "at least you want to eat."
He WAS with her for a long time. I've thought about this. He could have been sorry enough on DDay and realized he loved me and woke up and said the things he's saying now and dumped her then, but he left and they had an actual relationship. Her kids sleeping over. Acting like a little f'n family. I texted him then even and said that I wanted him to stop seeing her and for us to go to counseling (in April) and he never even replied. Again when I was seeing the lawyer in May and asked him if this is truly what he wanted because D is a big decision and I thought we could work it out...no reply!
He actually told me "it got to the point where I said it's me or the whiskey" Like they were so involved and so invested that he gave her this big ultimatum. And he TELLS me this. It makes me sick. He totally stuck it out with her until it didn't work out in order to come back to me. Or he just assumed we were done so he used up his time with her, but I don't believe that. It's so messed up. I was so confused and manipulated this weekend and now it's all hitting me. I can't believe this is really over and so afraid to move on. I still love him and I'm lonely to be honest. I don't know how or want to start over with someone else. He says the same thing. But he ALREADY did!!
I think I'm beginning to put together a theory on him but I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. What kinds of things were said during your argument in front of the children last winter? Also, are you the bread-winner?
ETA: I think the "thinking out-loud" that you're doing here is going to ultimately lead you to your answer. This is good, Jewlz. Take what you're talking about here and discuss it at length with your counselor. Make this forum like your journal. Make the discussions you have with others here like your conscience. You'll grow more confident and secure in the choices you make moving forward.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 4:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
so afraid to move on. I still love him
Of course you are scared. That is perfectly normal Jewlz. We all are scared of starting something new but what if what is out there is 100x's better than what you had with your WH?
It will take time to heal but you will be living a true life and not second guessing yourself every moment. You are currently living in purgatory. Move forward not backwards.
You love the man you thought your husband was not the man he is. You are in love with the ideal of your husband not the reality of the selfish pig he is.
He has strung you along for months and played you and the OW both.
His lack of response to your text or calls is so disrespectful.
He has shown no true remorse. Made no attempt at IC.
He is giving the OW ultimatums? Really? That is almost comical if it wasn't so sad and screwed up.
So I guess she picked the whiskey so NOW he wants his old life back. WTFE.
See him for who he is. What has changed that makes him think he won't cheat again?
You will always be worried that he is up to it again. ALWAYS. You can't live like that it will eat you alive.
Too bad he is strapped for cash he should of thought of that before he cheated and left. Consequences to his actions. Boo hoo.
Sorry, I just want to smack him.
Hang in there.
Thank you 1Faith!
Anewday, it is hard to tell, because he makes cash in addition to his regular pay but yes, I would bet I make a little more. MUCH more on the books at least.
The fight that stands out is he came home and was acting in a bad mood when I was already not too happy, dealing with newborn, and the kids and he started yelling at the kids or whatever not knowing what the deal was so I got mad and told him, "just get out, we don't need you". Another time I spoke loudly about the pot when my son was in the next room. The fights were really not that bad and I KNOW my anger and frustration was his withdrawal from us, his laziness, not doing anything with the kids, just distant from everyone. His only chore was to foodshop and I would feel bad asking him to get something for me. I'm sitting home trying to eat healthy because I'm breastfeeding and he'd stop off and get himself food and not even offer or call me to see if I needed anything. I was getting resentful all winter. He'd go snowboarding or fishing or play cards, and then his excuse for leaving was I don't like to do the things he likes to do. So backwards. So textbook cheat.
Jewlz I know exactly how you feel you sum it up very well "Right now, it's the usual lump in my throat, feeling like vomiting, horrible pain in my heart feeling and I am hoping this site can help me a little." Having said that I don't have any children to consider in this horrible mess. It's just me. I hope that some how your children will give you the focus to help you through this and some day soon you will be able to smile again as I hope I will too
[This message edited by devastated1612 at 4:27 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
Well, I was going to say that he might have built up resentment about feeling inferior to you. Maybe hooked up with a complete train wreck on purpose to feel more like a "man." Perhaps the knight-in-shining-armor routine. I'm not sure that's it though by what you've now shared.
It actually sounds to me like he was already knee-deep in the affair when those words were exchanged. Slipping away "playing cards," "fishing," and "snow boarding" all seem unlikely activities for a man with a newborn baby at home. Plus, if she was at your house the day after you gave birth, the affair had no doubt already started. He's full of shit. Don't trust him. 180 HARD. Start getting your ducks in a row and detatch because I think you'll most likely get more of the same if you take him back. Unless he gives you the answers you need and those answers are reasonable enough to consider R'ing, you can't consider a future with him at all. Unfortunately, I don't think you're going to get reasonable answers - if you get any at all.
Just know this: he's about to suffer just as much as you have once he sees the grim future ahead of him. He may be a pretty boy, but if he doesn't have much to offer you, what does he have to offer any other respectable woman with whom it's worth pursuing a relationship? Answer - NOTHING. That's truly sad but not your problem. Your prospects are MUCH better. Hell, you've already had a school principal (pretty respectable career) show a great deal of interest in you and that was during a time when you were an emotional wreck, recently gave birth, and were raising four children all by yourself. Don't worry about moving on. Something tells me you're going to look back on this mess years from now and think, "how could I ever think I WOULDN'T be ok without him!?"
Someone had this on their tag line. Thought it was appropriate.
An affair is merely bullshit between two selfish, manipulative liars.
I know there's love, and now there seems to be hope. But reading your posts the last few days, I wonder...
Where is the payoff for you to stay with him? Looking at the man he is NOW, is he someone you would want to build a life with? Have as a daily example to your kids of what a husband should be?
Has he gone out of his way to begin rebuilding what he tore apart? Or is he just expecting to go back to status quo because he wants to come back?
he makes cash in addition to his regular pay but yes, I would bet I make a little more. MUCH more on the books at least.
Drop him from your health insurance plan. I'm assuming he's covered through your employer?
Anewday, I know! That's what I wanted to do immediately but I can't remove him until the D goes through.
This was actually one of his biggest concerns when he was telling me he was leaving, "don't you think I'm scared too, I won't have medical benefits."
All I can think of is my heart and all he was bringing up was how much he knows I'll try to get for CS and his insurance coverage and also said "you see what I'm gonna drive and where I'm gonna live!" The financial part of his life seemed to be all he cared about while he was breaking my heart. But of course, because little did I know he had Mrs. Wonderful on the side.
I've read most of this thread and just want to say I am so sorry your WH is such an ass.
Ha! Sounds like a lot of the same things I have been getting from mine.
I thought at first he wanted me back because of money, convenience, family time, normalcy, reputation...etc.
I am still not 100% sure on any of that, but I do know that he loves me.
My WH finally seems to be out of his fog, but I don't know if it is too little, too late.
In a way, it's almost worse this way because I see the man I married and now I have to reconcile that man with the man who destroyed my entire life. Then I have to decide if I want to take another chance on him.
In a way, I wish I was still angry and he still had his head up his ass (like your situation), because then I would feel less anxiety over filing for D.
But where you are? I was there for a few months-it's hell. Pure hell.
Why don't they realize how such small actions built up into an atomic bomb that obliterates everything in the lives of those around them?
Why can't we just stop loving them?
You love the man you thought your husband was not the man he is. You are in love with the ideal of your husband not the reality of the selfish pig he is.
Bingo!^^^1Faith hit in right on the head!
When your own husband resents you for being a fabulous person...spites you for being faithful and true...well...
Maybe going through with your Douche'-ectomy (divorce) will be in your best interest.
In the coming days , since you have had time to detach (while he was living with his drunken slut and playing "DAD" to her kids while ignoring yours) perhaps you can calmly assess the situation.
It might be okay to not build a bridge back to him...because it is a bridge to Hell.
"don't you think I'm scared too, I won't have medical benefits."
UNBELIEVABLE!! What an asshole. Last week I was routing for you to mend the fence with this guy. The more I learn about him, the more I can't stand him! What a selfish prick!
My experience was much the same as myperfectlife wrote above.
At first I thought my H wanted to be with me for superficial reasons. I was so angry at him for not 'getting it' that I shamefully became physically abusive during our arguments. I felt that he just wasn't getting how much he had killed me emotionally. I wanted to try and make him feel my pain so I would lash out at him physically when my words didn't seem to get through. H threatened to leave if I continued to hit him and that was when I stopped and took a good look at how was handling myself and the person I was becoming. It was not good. I didn't think my life was worth anything. I didn't even care about being around to raise our 4 kids. I just wanted to die.
He had never been a great H but over our years together I saw glimpses of who he was behind the self protection, hurt and the anger. I lived in hope that he would get past all that in order to love me back the way I wanted him to.
When his head did finally emerge from his ass after his A (and I think this truly happened about 12months after d'day), I had to decide to take a HUGE leap of faith and believe in him again. It was the scariest decision I have ever made but it was a huge turning point for us in our M. I just knew I still loved him and just felt that if there was just the slightest chance we could end up happy, it was worth one last go.
So far my H has been awesome and I think that giving him this second chance was a great decision. We still have bad days but we seem to bounce back quicker. We are there to pick each other up and dust each other off. He is once again the love of my life and my security. It's taken a lot of anger, tears and pain to get to where we both are at now but I am so happy that I can honestly say its been worth all the effort to get here.
We still have to keep proving to ourselves and each other that we can maintain this new, happier marriage but we are closer than we have ever been. H's guard is down and he's working on his issues in IC.
My point is that I went from being so angry that I physically wanted to hurt him as much as I could in those early stages to being truly happy in my M again.
I acknowledge that this has a lot to do with my H's actions and choices and that R is not possible in all cases.
My advice at this point would be 180 him until his head finally emerges out of his ass. Get yourself stronger and happier. When you believe he's finally getting it, then make your choice between D or R. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to decide now. There's no rush. Just because he doesn't get it right now doesn't mean he won't ever get it. And even if he does eventually get it, it doesn't mean you have to take him back as it might be too late for you. Believe me when I tell you that your decision becomes clearer over time. You will know what to do and find a sense of peace in your decision. Right now just love yourself and your children. Leave him to figure things out for himself (((hugs)))
[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 6:44 PM, July 19th (Friday)]
So I am feeling a bit worse after speaking with WH yesterday. He admitted that they thought they were in love. I asked if they said "I love you" and he said yes, it was said. He was surprised that I was a bit shocked. I guess I shouldn't have been but I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.
Obviously, they weren't "in love" since it is over already but I do sense that he is still having feelings and getting over her. He says "she gave me a relationship". I asked him about it. He admitted too that he still isn't sure about what he wants. He wants to fall in love with me he says.
I know this is not about what he wants but it's always been. He says "I just want someone to take care of me".
I guess I should be glad he is at least being honest and not holding anything back. I asked him about the day I was in the hospital, if it was planned. He said no. I said then why did you stop me from texting her that it was inappropriate and he said because he thought he had it under control, even though they were already talking to each other. I told him that even if it wasn't planned, it gave her the wrong impression and probably led to further feelings. And therefore, yes, it was inappropriate. Damnit! I'm so mad about that day. How could she do that intentionally and how could he allow her in my home! He always seems to lead the conversation into her and things she told him. He says how she told him at the tricky tray, some guy came up to her and told her he was her secret admirer so people knew she wasn't with her SO I guess. Why the F is he even telling me this shit? I asked him if he was still grieving over the loss of her. I guess I just thought it was more about our relationship than it was about her but it seemed to be a lot about her. He left his wife and 4 children, new baby, for this trash girl. He admitted he thought the grass was greener. I can't believe how stupid he is. I mean, were they like two dumb teenagers falling in love after such a short time and not even knowing anything about each other. You're 39 years old dude, grow the F up. I just wish he would go away. But he came over and in the house and looked so freakin good...damnit!
Am I still in love with him? I wonder how I could even look at him after what he's done? But I do. I cannot wait for IC on Wednesday!!!
[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
He admitted that they thought they were in love. I asked if they said "I love you" and he said yes, it was said
This hurts...lots. Those words are only for a spouse.
Obviously, they weren't "in love" since it is over already but I do sense that he is still having feelings and getting over her
He's having withdrawls...even though he got to where he couldn't stand her, he was addicted to her, and still is.
"I just want someone to take care of me".
What is he, a little boy? He is a broken man. He needs to be taking care of you and your children. At least he is beginning to verbalize his brokenness. He needs an IC to figure out why he is so emotionally immature.
Don't beat yourself up for being attracted to him. He is, after all your H. You aren't looking at other men the way you look at your H. I know it is confusing, to be attracted to him, physically when he hurt you so badly emotionally. He needs to do a lot of work before your emotions will ever match the physical attraction.
I wish we could have IC every day...sometimes a week is just too long between sessions.
You're dealing with the sh*t that has been handed to you so well. YOU WILL DO JUST FINE when this all over...whether you stay with him, or you D him.
Thanks, yeah I told him "you should be wanting to take care of someone else". He said he doesn't yet and that most of the time he just wants to be alone. Yeah, I sense that he is still getting over her. Makes me sick!
Maybe his parents never really took care of him. His mom had him at 16 and partied a lot when his dad left her (cheated on her). He had to care for his younger sister a lot and then moved to his dad's a state away during high school to get away from that responsibility. Let loose with his dad under not much supervision or love. He has issues. He NEEDS. My therapist says that I've tried to make him feel loved the whole time and it has just never been enough. Something about hollow leg syndrome? I agreed with her.
[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
Jewlz honey he is a vast void of neediness. Until he fixes whatever is broken within himself he will continue to suck every ounce of your worth.
Try to stay NC with him. He is confused. Fine he can be confused and divorced. He wants someone to take care of him, tell him to see if the orphanage can take him, because you aren't his momma. He is a grown ass man, and even if his momma didn't take care of him properly he should have that shit figured out.
This may seem harsh, but he knows how badly you have been hurt, and continues to suck off of you, taking your good, your kindness. It's not right, and just makes it a bazillion times harder on you.
Maybe his parents never really took care of him.
NO NO NO honey. Do not make excuses for him. If you have learned one thing here it is this...there is NO justification for cheating on your spouse. EVER.
Most everyone in life has had some type of struggles. You deal with them and still function as an adult especially when you have a wife and four children.
Why are his needs more important than yours or your children's? They are not.
I guess I should be glad he is at least being honest and not holding anything back.
No, you should be pissed it has taken him this long to get his head semi out of his butt. And how do you know he isn't holding anything back? Because he isn't necessarily credible at this point. How many lies has he told?
Hang in there. You are seeing through him. His desire to project his missing her on you, the fear of losing health insurance, etc. That is not remorse...that is selfishness.
Sending hugs. Good luck at IC.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:34 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
Jewlz, this bullshiz about him "wanting to fall in love with you," is exactly that - BULL$%&@!!!! Shouldn't he already be in love with you? Shouldn't he have ALWAYS been in love with you? Why should you have to compete with the ghost of some trashy homewrecker for YOUR HUSBAND'S affections?
He needs a serious dose of reality. I'm affraid he's far too messed up in the head for you to have any kind of mature, adult relationship with him. Somebody who "needs to be taken care of" at 39 years-old is not made of the stuff YOU and YOUR CHILDREN need in a husband and father. As so many of us have already said, your WH needs some serious IC and unfortunately, it does not seem like he has any intention of seeking it. If money is the issue, perhaps he should get a second job in order to make more. Perhaps occupying his time with work would have served him better all along - it would have accounted for the times he spent pursuing a "relationship" that he had no business pursuing.
You need to 180/NC HARD. I know you want answers, but (as an outsider looking in) you've got enough information to know that this man is broken beyond repair right now. Why should you be robbed of another moment of healing and happiness due to his poor judgement and boundaries? It's time to start detaching again. I know you're attracted to him. Perhaps there's a way you can arrange exchanges so that you don't come face-to-face with him? Do you think your mother could stand in your place?
When you believe he's finally getting it, then make your choice between D or R. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to decide now. There's no rush. Just because he doesn't get it right now doesn't mean he won't ever get it. And even if he does eventually get it, it doesn't mean you have to take him back as it might be too late for you.
Jewlz you are so where I was just a few weeks ago!
It wasn't until my WS and I decided calmly to go ahead and
D (partly bc he still had feelings for AP and partly bc he wouldn't commit fully to my conditions of R) that he finally finally finally got it.
And now, he is ripped apart with guilt and remorse, devastated about what he's done to our life and family...in his words "all for nothing". He had a great life before his A! He admits it! We had a good marriage and a stable family for our boys.
But now, I ask myself, do I need to move forward alone?
You do need to 180, I wish that I had known how to a few weeks ago. He needs to grow up and you can't raise him anymore.